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On Sunday lunchtime we forfeit the right to laze about in bed with the missus (or Mr) and a big newspaper and instead jump on the District line as we head West to Stamford Bridge. A 12pm, alcohol free start awaits as we take on Spartak Chelsea.

Our opponents currently lead the Premiership by 7 points over their closest rivals, Man Yoo, though they have been as far as 18 points away from the chasing pack. Six weeks ago the Matalan man predicted that they would be picking up the silverware after Sunday’s game but recent performances have been as droopy as their centre midfielder’s man boobs prompting hopeful nationwide speculation that the Yanks might just overtake them. It just goes to show how reviled this current West London mob are the majority of the country are rooting for Man Yoo over them.

A closer look at the results reveals that most of their problems have been on the road. Their last five aways have resulted in a draw at St Andrews, defeat at the Cottage, an extremely ill tempered victory at the Hawthorns, defeat at the Riverside and a point at the cauldron that is Villa Park. However, at home they remain strong, they are undefeated at Stamford Bridge in the league and only Charlton have managed to stop them taking the full three point quota. They have only let in 19 league goals all season and a mere 8 of these have come on their patch so it will still take a superhuman effort to get something out of this game.


The gaffer is Jose Mourinho, a man who appears to be feeling a little pressure at the moment. He has become increasingly volatile, the disgraceful show of gamesmanship at half time against West Brom and his refusal to shake Bryan Robson’s hand or to take the usual post match bottle of wine indicate sour grapes (in his actions, not in the vino). He has neglected his post match press duties on a number of occasions and there are murmurs that he will leave at the end of next season. He first has to survive this season and with the one manager that he has refused to play many Jedi mind games with breathing down his neck, he could find that the next two months are, in Fergie’s words, “squeaky bum time”.

In goal is the best Czech keeper since Ludo hung up his gloves, Petr Cech. He has been his national team’s first choice keeper since the age of 19 and provides consistent and cool headed performances. He made an excellent start to his career in the Premiership last season, breaking records for the longest period without conceding a goal and being nominated as a candidate for PFA Player of the Season. He is also like an anti-David James, spending time before games ensuring that he is focused on the task ahead and that he remains concentrated and nerve free as opposed to imprinting a attention span limiting x and an o on his thumbs.

The back four will be chosen from captain, John Terry alongside either young German international Robert Huth or more likely Portuguese international, Richardo Carvalho. Wide options include fellow Carvalho’s fellow countryman, Paulo Ferrria on the right hand side with £8m Spaniard, Assien Del Horno scrapping it out with the Frenchman, William Gallas for a role on the left. The imminent signing of Ashley Cole suggests that neither quite matches up to the Jose’s expectations. Our own, Glen Johnson is unavailable with a sports hernia.

You could argue that Claude Makelele could be considered the fifth defender in the outfit as Chelsea often play a 4-1-4-1 with Claude covering the back line. The Chelsea midfield is surprisingly diminutive; Makelele, Cole, Essien and Wright Philips all fall short of the 5’10 mark meaning that all they need is Dopey, Sneezy and Doc to make up a side to please Snow White.

If Jose is not packing out the midfield with a 4-1-4-1, he reverts to a 4-5-1, to give him a, er, nicely packed out midfield. We all know that the vastly overrated Frank Lampard is likely to feature in the middle and that he possesses a decent shot which has put away 14 goals to date this season. However, he is looking extremely tired at the moment, the goals have slowed down, the last league one coming at the end of February and his lack of pace and his tendency to go missing for large periods of the game have been finally noted by the home supporters. There is also a feeling in the stands that it is time for Frank to take a short break to recharge the batteries and that he could hand over the free kick responsibility now and again. I bet that Lampard can’t wait for the goalscoring attacking midfielder, Michael Ballack to join Chelsea in the summer.

Alongside Thunder Thighs is likely to be a choice of Michael Essien, who was Reo-Cokered 10 minutes into the last West Ham vs Chelsea clash, Cameroon international, Geremi, or a newly converted midfielder, Eider Gudjohnsen, who his boss described as the “blond Maradona” after his flick laden appearance in the game against us. Portuguese midfielder Nuno Ribeiro Maniche joined on loan in the January window but has only made two starts to date. He is a favourite of the Chelsea coach, having played under him at Benfica and Porto before his current stint at the Bridge.

There is much competition for places on the wing and I’m sure that you’ll all be delighted to know that our own former captain, Joe Cole seems to have secured a regular enough place on the left hand side to warrant posting the pile cream, that he no longer needs from periods of sitting on the Chelsea bench, to his good friend Jermaine in North London. He has popped up with a decent tally of 9 goals this season and appears to be the current answer to the England problem left side of midfield.

Cole has usurped the Dutchman on the left hand side, which means as the lead winger, he is Batman to Arjen’s Robben. The £12m man has scored 7 goals this season but has attracted criticism for his diving and was recently dismissed for a two footed challenge. Chelsea can either call on Shaun Wright Phillips, who has greatly enhanced his World Cup chance by leaving Ciddy or Damian Duff, both of whom cost in excess of £20m when they signed.

Chelsea’s true ambition lies across the sea as they chase the Champion’s League as their main priority. I’m going to give them a little hint as to why the teams who are in the quarter final are there and they are not. AC Milan have Andriy Shevchenko, Inter Milan have Adriano, L’Arsenal have Thierry Henry, Juventus have Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Barcelona have Ronaldinho and they have Diving Didier Drogba.

The big man is slightly hampered by playing up front on his own which requires tireless effort and to his credit he is prepared to battle to the end as his 10 league goals to date testify. His ability to throw himself to the floor has been much discussed lately, which hoepfully means refs will be less sympathetic to his antics. He has the morals of an alley cat, as many regrets as Frank Sinatra and has attracted boos from even his own fans this season.

The chunky, bubble permed figure of Herman Crespo is often hauled on from the subs bench and he has recorded a total of 9 league goals, including one around thirty seconds after his introduction to the game at the Boleyn. Carlton Cole provides an ocassional substitute appearance but has yet to start a game this season.


There is, of course, a possibility that this could be a dress rehearsal for the Cup Final but if I am honest, I can’t see them getting past the Dougie Howsers so we’ll dismiss that idea.

Unfortunately, I can’t see us being good enough to get any points from this. Mourinho has already identified that they only need to win their home games to secure the title and he will be treating this with the utmost seriousness. They are not as commanding in games as they have been during parts of the last two seasons but it is very difficult to sneak a goal at the Bridge.

They were very comfortable in the last clash between us, the same as our home game against Man United, they commanded vast periods of the game without conceeding much possession and they are extremely patient in their approach play. Even ignoring the gulf in class, their style will not suit us as they tend to sit too deep to be able to counter attack and the pitch does not lend itself to the quick passing game that we like to play. However that is the same for both sides so the uneven playing field is a level playing field, if you see what I mean.

The only ray of hope that I could see is that the nerves are starting to kick in a bit and if we were able to hold them for a significant length of time or even take some form of advantage, a combination of crowd pressure and frustration may rattle the air of invincibility that they have built up.

Overall, I’ll have to plump for defeat, a valiant 2-0 on the pitch, but with the away fans in fine voice demonstrating how atmosphere should be generated.

Enjoy the game.

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