Latest Opinion

For as long as I can remember Christmas has brought a fair smattering of football and more importantly West Ham related presents. From money boxes and books through to scarves and shirts it's long been regarded amongst the relations that if it's to do with West Ham then Rio B will love it. And more often than not, it's true.

But this year there was a twist to the theme, amongst Santa's offerings were tickets for the club's amazing Stadium Tour/Museum visit. Now I wasn't going to pay for the buggers myself but thought 'why not'.

So on Monday 30th December I along with step-Rio braved the torrential rain to indulge in the West Ham experience. The first major disappointment came on arrival. Got there 20 minutes early as the weather was awful and it wasn't worth walking anywhere decent for a swift pint. We were herded into the bar situated in the Rio stand's reception. But dam this club to hell, bar closed. Still the Cartoon Network was on to keep me entertained.

First point really was that to call it a stadium tour was pushing it. All we went round was the Rio stand. Now I know there isn't much to see in the Centenary or Chicken Run but at least the Bobby Moore has a few things of note worth looking at; we didn't even get a peek at the Control room which is a vital and impressive part of the ground.

Anyway, we started off with a dated and poorly put together promo video of the club. Dated because Harry was still the boss when it was made and poorly edited because half the dialogue is drowned out by the supposed background music. It apparently is shown to clients, visitors and the like when they come to the club. It's no wonder our sponsorship deals are so poor. Thankfully the bloke from the commercial department who was showing us around (whose name, much to my embarrassment I've forgotten) said that the club are in the process of putting together a new one. May I suggest guys, no Roeder, no Boo Radleys and no 'This Charming Man' as the Cup Winners Cup footage is shown.

Following a visit from Herbie and Bubbles, to the delight of the youngsters and a sense of relief from me realising that these weren't 2 of our 3 new saviours, it was off to see the the largest of the lounges, used for functions, matchday hospitality etc. Following this came what for me was the highlight of the whole day ........The Chairman's Suite.

Yep into the big cheese's den. Where the visiting bigwigs are entertained, key boardroom decisions made and items that should really be on show to the public in the museum are kept on display. Done out in tasteful, yet understated colours (I watched Changing Rooms once me!!!) it really is as expected; very nice. Big oval table in the middle, nice sofas at either end, portraits of every single West Ham chairman adorning one section of the wall. Also in there (as there is all over the stand) are paintings of various ships built by Thames Ironworks. One of which HMS Warrior was built but never fired a shot in anger, like many of our current day strikers. The crowning glory though is the 2 cabinets filled with memorabilia. These include replicas of the Jules Rimet trophy, FA Cup, Cup Winners Cup and hold your breath people.......... the Intertoto Cup. Along with these there are various other very nice bits and pieces. Now call me cynical, but I thought these would be more at home in the museum, not in the luxurious surroundings of Mr. Brown's playroom. Anyway these quarters are the top floor of the glass frontage of the Rio stand, so next time there's a demo we know where to shout at.

On we went, through various corporate lounges, into the executive boxes/hotel rooms. The directors box, onto the side of the pitch and the changing rooms. Our changing room is huge and kitted out with all the facilities you could wish for, though the Jacuzzi hadn't been completed yet (hard life being a footballer eh??? £15,000 a week, play the game, quick Jacuzzi and away you go).

Along the way we were encouraged to take photos and ask as many questions as possible. Much to our guides credit he answered everything thrown at him in an open and genuine manner. He said that the club hoped to commence building work on the East Stand this summer, but it was dependant on us staying in the top flight. The model of the completed stadium is still on show outside the boxes/hotel rooms, and to me there didn't look as if there was any difference to the original designs, so all the talk of the council being unhappy with the plans all seems like a convenient excuse. He admitted that the hotel rooms haven't been as full as they'd hoped, Christmas and the preceding weeks had been full with many rooms being taken up by firms who had held their Christmas parties there (so you can all use your own imaginations as to what's been going on inside them) but prior to that it had been a bit slow. So it looks like the radio advertising and the target of attracting business types hasn't worked.

The explanations he gave over how the corporate hospitality side of things works and the revenue it creates were also forthright. With the majority of clients paying from a minimum of £2,000 for a suite membership and way more for boxes it really is a huge money spinner. The capacity of people catered for in this way has tripled due to the reconstruction, 2,500 places are now available, I'll let you do the math but it all adds up. What the suits cough up goes a long way to paying the wages of the likes of Di Canio and Cole (and sadly Lomas and Breen). Another issue I was unaware of is that all the advertising around the ground is sold by the Premier League and not the club, we only receive a percentage of this and of course the more television exposure you get the bigger the payments.

I know the bloke works for the club and was going to give it as big a rose tinted, place of contentment and joy picture as he could but he was genuine, a true fan and he also seemed to be more than fully aware of how the regular fan feels about the way things are going

After receiving a certificate and an invitation to spend our hard earned cash in the club shop, it was time for the museum. And what let down it was. There's some nice pieces in there, but it's so tiny, no trophies on display and some true horrors there as well. The talking mannequins of David Essex and our beloved Roeder probably gave the kids that went nightmares for weeks. The highlight obviously is the collection of Moore, Hurst and Peters medals, caps etc. Very impressive too, but you couldn't help but feel let down by the fact that it just doesn't seem likely we'll ever have the players to collect those kind of accolades again.

After the expensive collection of medals we were confronted by the Roedent mannequin. Perched behind a computer monitor he started to spout some crap. Not sure if the words 'we're working ever so hard in training' or 'when I coached England during the 1998 World Cup in France' were uttered, as I was led away after attempting to swing a punch at the tosser. Then onto the final masterpiece. An interactive team selection game. Confronted with a squad of players (so up to date it includes Charles, Newton and Foxe) you have to pick a side, placing players in their correct positions. Now I thought this a bit strange as every West Ham manager since time began has chosen a side with at least one player playing in role completely alien to them. I decided to approach the situation in 2 different ways. Firstly my way. The side from those available that provided the best balance and playing those selected in their strongest position. The result a maximum 11 out of 11. Next I went for the Roedent way. Picking those who were favourites, injured or otherwise, with at least 2 key players out of position. Result 7 out of 11. You may have coached England during the 1998 World Cup in France but you're just not cut out to be a real manager, now f**k off. Actually it didn't say that...... but it should have.

It was an interesting experience, not offering much value for money though. The kids loved Herbie and Bubbles, I loved seeing where Brown dwells and the medals. But overall much like our season, it could have been so much better ...


* Like to share your thoughts on this article? Please visit the KUMB Forum to leave a comment.

* Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the highlighted author/s and do not necessarily represent or reflect the official policy or position of KUMB.com.