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Articles by Gerry McDonnell

Blogs, random musings and general thoughts submitted by our readers since 1997.

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Weekend tips: a lazy ‘worst of’ compilation
Thursday, 8th May 2008
by Gerry McDonnell
''Saying goodbye to the football season is very much like giving birth to a ginger child: after nine months of optimism, hope and anguish, you’re left with a genuine feeling of disappointment...''

I’ve just about had an oeuf
Friday, 25th April 2008
by Gerry McDonnell
''At one time or another, we all make a mistake of gargantuan proportions. When the wife asked for a potential destination for a short trip, I foolishly answered ‘France’. I completely forgot that the place was almost exclusively full of the French...''

There Ste goes again
Thursday, 17th April 2008
by Gerry McDonnell
''As a society, we’re obsessed with appearance. I blame teen magazines for perpetuating the myth that skinniness equals beauty. If I had to choose between a thin girl and a lady with a fuller figure, I’d choose the one with the better personality. Obviously, if they’re equally pleasant, then fatty’s out of luck...''

Red Bull – it gives you wins
Thursday, 10th April 2008
by Gerry McDonnell
''I do enjoy a moral dilemma. An intellectual friend asked if I would kill a chicken to save a chicken’s life. I honestly replied that I’d happily slaughter a chicken if I missed breakfast...''

Lock, stock and two smoking Carols
Friday, 4th April 2008
by Gerry McDonnell
''The adult film industry has many knockers, but I remain a fully-fledged supporter. My only possible critique would be that the storylines occasionally lack realism. I can’t begin to tell you how disappointed I was with my job as a photocopier repair man...''

My big fat weak wedding
Thursday, 27th March 2008
by Gerry McDonnell
''Marriage is like a chicken vindaloo, it’s something you have to try at least once, even though you know you’ll later regret it. ..''

A mini weapon of mass destruction
Friday, 21st March 2008
by Gerry McDonnell
''Even though I was brought up as a Catholic, I have never followed a spiritual path. I blame an over-zealous Priest for my descent into heresy; he was constantly on my back when I was young...''

There’s life in the old dog … unfortunately
Thursday, 13th March 2008
by Gerry McDonnell
''Like Wayne Rooney, I’m a lover of the old. I’m never happier than when some wrinkled old seaside-bungalow hogger is regaling me with tales of a bygone age...''

Hairy Plotter and the Half-Blood Prince
Thursday, 6th March 2008
by Gerry McDonnell
''Like Martin Luther King and Gandhi, I’m a fan of passive resistance; but there are some things in life that we have to fight for. For me, it’s a baby’s smile, the love of a mute woman or more affordable prices at the petrol pump...''

As one door shuts … a nutter one opens
Thursday, 28th February 2008
by Gerry McDonnell
''For some inexplicable reason, the subject of mental illness remains taboo. I am convinced that if we debate the topic in a mature and sensitive fashion, we could raise awareness of the constant unnecessary stigmatisation of these unfortunate lunatics...''

A dodgy ruby and a stuffed nan
Thursday, 21st February 2008
by Gerry McDonnell
''In a week where Mohammed Al Fayed has pointed an accusing finger at Tony Blair, the Nazis, Dracula and a crocodile, it seems odd that Richard Scudamore has emerged as football’s leading figure of fun...''

Strawberry Fields for Heather
Friday, 15th February 2008
by Gerry McDonnell
''I absolutely despise Valentines Day. Conformity demands that I waste good money on a pointless gift and a meaningless card, even though the wife has spent the last 364 days of the year criticising me for being lazy. I’d happily dump her; but it’s a lot of effort to find someone new...''

Wayne drops keep falling on my head
Thursday, 7th February 2008
by Gerry McDonnell
''I am no stranger to a lazy stereotype. I’m half-Irish and I’m married to a Scot, so some people believe we stay at home all day smoking crack and peeling potatoes; which is only half true...''

The hurly bird catches the worm
Friday, 1st February 2008
by Gerry McDonnell
''Call me old-fashioned, but i believe that fidelity remains the cornerstone of a successful relationship. I would never cheat on my wife, unless the opportunity arose...''

Driving Miss Dozy
Thursday, 24th January 2008
by Gerry McDonnell
''Statistics are normally my trusted ally, but even close friends can occasionally fall out. Research claims to prove that men are over 50% more likely to be involved in a road accident than women, but that’s probably because they’ve all been run over by dippy bints...''

Rings that go bump in the night
Friday, 18th January 2008
by Gerry McDonnell
''My heart goes out to the clinically depressed and the morbidly obese, but I have a genuine illness; I suffer from sleep deprivation. I believe my condition is a result of an incident that occurred many years ago, when I was naïve enough to believe that physical attractiveness was not an essential requirement in the process of potential mate selection...''

Rise of the foot long soldier
Friday, 11th January 2008
by Gerry McDonnell
''When it comes to a worthy cause, I live to give. I was so moved by Pele’s appeal to help men with erectile dysfunction that I agreed to pay £10 a month towards the campaign, but unfortunately I wasn’t able to keep it up...''

Let’s all do the Bart Man
Thursday, 3rd January 2008
by Gerry McDonnell
''Ignorance is not necessarily bliss. I’ve recently discovered that binge drinking can lead to long-term health problems, such as crabs and Chlamydia. ..''

Bow down to happy Gilmore
Friday, 14th December 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''I’m all for good-natured banter at a football match, but supporters are beginning to overstep the line. Harry Redknapp commands respect from all the major players in the game, such as Frank Lampard and Jamie Redknapp, yet the colourful manager endured a torrent of vitriolic abuse when Portsmouth travelled to Aston Villa...''

Third ruck from the son
Saturday, 8th December 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''A great book does not necessarily make a great movie. Catch 22 is probably the seminal piece of literature of the twentieth century (if we choose to overlook Derek McGovern on Sports Betting); yet the film was a major disappointment...''

Short and fat, with a Terry on the top
Friday, 30th November 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''Sigmund Freud was nothing but a hairy quack. My cantankerous nature is not the result of a repressed Oedipus complex; I only feel hostility towards my father because he’s really annoying...''

It’s Wayne in cats and dogs
Friday, 23rd November 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''I’ve never really saw the point in children. I can appreciate their usefulness when they’re big enough to nip down to the off-license, but I’m not sure if that justifies the £10 a year it costs to clothe them...''

The Wright to remain silent
Thursday, 8th November 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''Advertisements rarely reflect real life. Take the long-running advert where an irritating couple attempt to arrange a £25,000 loan...''

This is the ode to Hel
Thursday, 1st November 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''I’ve never been particularly lucky in love. As a result of a severe lack of confidence, I can only approach women after a skinful of lager when the beer goggles are on. Even Kermit would have turned his nose up at some of the pigs I’ve tried my luck with...''

Lies, damn lies and Jamie Redknapp
Thursday, 25th October 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''My heart goes out to supporters of Liverpool FC. The club have been rocked by Champions League failure, the validity of their Merseyside derby victory has been questioned, and they have to travel to Liverpool at least once a fortnight...''

Cole, Frank incensed and meh
Thursday, 18th October 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''I’ve never been a great fan of Steve McClaren, but it’s wholly unfair to place the blame for the death of English football at the feet of one hapless individual. Personally, I hold Frank Lampard solely responsible...''

One flu over… the cuckoo’s next
Saturday, 13th October 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''Even by my own modest standards, it’s been a bad week. I’ve been left virtually incapacitated by what I can only assume is a new super-strain of bird flu, possibly created by an increasingly desperate rogue element of the bookmaking industry...''

A naan and a leg
Thursday, 4th October 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''The older I get, the grumpier I become. Old people, children and John Motson have all played a significant role in my metamorphosis, but the wife’s driving is almost certainly the overriding factor...''

The Chicken or the Meg
Thursday, 27th September 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''Life is full of little contradictions. When a professional gambler shops around for value, he’s lauded for his shrewdness. Yet when I apply a similar level of financial prudence outside of the betting arena, I’m considered meaner than a premenstrual Scot with a toothache...''

Sven, I’m 6 to 4
Thursday, 20th September 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''Political correctness is an admirable concept. I warmly applaud any school of thought that helps keep Jim Davidson off the telly...''

Two Wongs don’t make awight
Saturday, 15th September 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''When it comes to relationships, there is one undeniable truth. It doesn’t matter how attractive a girl may be, how delightful her personality or how sparkling her conversation; sooner or later, the bint’s going to start to grate...''

The catcher in the guy
Thursday, 6th September 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''The wife has got to make a meal out of everything. When giving birth, most women are in and out in a few hours with minimal whining, but the wife had to have ‘complications’. I can’t remember the exact excuse she gave for her extended three-day stay, I think it was something like a rupture, a breach, or the bed had collapsed...''

Girls allowed? It’s encouraged
Thursday, 30th August 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''I’ve recently learned the hard way that you should never discuss politics and religion. My lodger and I became embroiled in a furious row over the conflict in Iraq. Dave was very vocal in his condemnation of Bush; but he flew off the handle when I criticised Brown. It almost came to blows...''

Ding dong, merry Lee on high
Thursday, 23rd August 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''Technology is not always a blessing. The growth of industrial automation has led to a good friend of mine losing his job. I accept that the confectionary industry has every right to make the despatch of its products more cost-effective, but that doesn’t help the out-of-work fudge-packer...''

Why fight the hand that kneads you?
Thursday, 16th August 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''The mobile phone has been heralded as a great invention, but I automatically frown upon any tool that encourages spousal interaction. ..''

Live free or pie hard
Friday, 10th August 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''When the wife was pregnant with little Goliath, she asked if I’d still find her attractive when she put on weight. “More weight,” I instinctively corrected.”..''

It’s not if, it’s Sven
Saturday, 4th August 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''On reflection, my decision to take a couple of weeks off to ‘rest’ was flawed from the outset. The wife went completely ‘Stefan Postma’ on me; she was constantly on my back...''

A ruck and a charred plaice
Friday, 13th July 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''We all do things in life that we later regret. More often than not; it involves pairing off with a tubster after a heavy night on the ale; or ‘Lenny Henry syndrome’ as it’s known on the street...''

A small Murphy’s ... maybe
Friday, 29th June 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''I have nothing but admiration for the reunited Spice Girls. Their music may have been atrocious, and you’d struggle to find a greater collection of dogs outside of Battersea, but their trailblazing work in the field of ginger acceptance remains unsurpassed...''

We have to stop the blubber ring
Thursday, 14th June 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''Call me a non-conforming malcontent, but I wholeheartedly disagree with the concept of marriage. When at Alton Towers, I absolutely love it on the log flume, but after a few rides, I should be free to have a go on the black hole...''

You do thumb thing to me
Thursday, 24th May 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''In order to improve, we have to evolve. Way back in 1782, a Judge decreed that a husband may continue to beat his wife, as long as the stick with which he administers the castigation is not thicker than his thumb. Some called this political correctness gone mad, but I prefer to think of Judge Buller as a progressive idealist...''

My French is just shocking
Wednesday, 16th May 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''The FA Cup Final is a great British tradition, like a one shot tennis rally or stitching up the Irish. ..''

64 seconds in Paris
Thursday, 10th May 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''I’m not one of those parents who wrap their children up in cotton wool; I refuse to even pay for pyjamas. I do try my best to keep little Goliath away from television that he may find disturbing though, which normally involves avoiding programmes with Noel Edmonds...''

McCaffrey's gone flat
Thursday, 3rd May 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''You have to admire the Chinese. Their ability to knock up a wall and eat with sticks is impressive enough, but it's their work in the field of insightful proverb creation where they truly excel. ..''

A little Wayne never hurt anyone
Thursday, 26th April 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''As much as I enjoy my position as the country¢s leading football betting scribe, I occasionally yearn for the more glamorous world of investigative journalism...''

McDonnell: heir on the dog
Thursday, 19th April 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''I try to avoid the political arena as a rule, but as a concerned parent, I’m furious with this government’s education policy...''

An expired pizza to enter Jordan
Thursday, 12th April 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''There is nothing more annoying than a parent who talks endlessly about how ‘clever’ or ‘sporty’ their child is, before whipping out a picture of some spotty two foot hooligan tucking in to the contents of his nostril...''

Beer today, scone tomorrow
Thursday, 5th April 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''Alcohol is undoubtedly cool, but it can often be abused. Earlier this week, the wife was rushed to hospital after a Buckfast frenzy. ..''

McDonnell: Lam chop
Friday, 30th March 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''My life is currently like an attempt on goal from Frank Lampard; it lacks any real direction. The wife tries to fill her void with a part time job in a psychiatric hospital; it¢s great that they can relate to someone on their own level...''

He’s in the Nic
Thursday, 22nd March 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''The wife is a born complainer. Even this week’s little snowfall failed to improve her mood; I overheard her on the phone to her mother complaining that ‘it’s only a couple of inches’. It kept the kids quiet though...''

Lettuce get it on
Thursday, 15th March 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''I’m a great believer in animal rights; I believe they have the right to fit nicely on a bun. ..''

The fruit is on the other foot
Thursday, 1st March 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''I like to think of myself as a chilled individual. Admittedly, I’m not as laid back as the wife, but that’s a result of her lifestyle. ..''

Swing when you’re tinning
Thursday, 22nd February 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''Mark Twain once said that golf is a good walk spoiled; it is if a driver has been wrapped around your kneecaps...''

In thickness and in elf
Thursday, 8th February 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''Whenever possible, I try to accentuate the positive. Even when I caught the wife cheating on me, I remained upbeat; it was one less unpleasant job for me. ..''

Pie will survive
Thursday, 25th January 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''I’m a lover, not a fighter. My campness is not a result of liberal idealism; I’ve simply lost so many brawls that i’ve had pacifism thrust upon me. Nowadays, the only way i’d get involved in a ruck is if the wife was being mugged. If we stood together, I reckon we could take her...''

A pizza the American dream
Friday, 19th January 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''I’m not anti-American, but I do worry about the cost of supporting Bush...''

Playing with one's health
Thursday, 11th January 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''I'm a little bit down at the minute. I'm a few pounds overweight and I'm struggling to find any real direction. I need to talk to a professional; I need to 'Talk to Frank'. ..''

Heifery thing must go
Friday, 5th January 2007
by Gerry McDonnell
''Deep down, I’m just an old romantic. I always hold the wife’s hand when we go out together; it restricts her swing...''

A Spanish beer mug
Friday, 29th December 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''I’ve really enjoyed the festive break. Unlike the majority of my contemporaries, I resisted the temptation to get drunk every night; on Christmas Day, I collapsed at lunchtime...''

All I want for Christmas is Ewe
Thursday, 21st December 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''I hate Christmas. Last year the wife bought me a 'Rudolf' umbrella just so she could use the line, 'It looks line rain dear'. My decision to kick her out of the house was perfectly justified...''

Ex-panda bull
Thursday, 14th December 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''I feel a genuine affinity with Alan Pardew; as I too have been unjustly dismissed from the workplace. My only ‘crime’ was being young and in love. Admittedly, it was wrong of us to consummate our relationship during working hours; but I remain convinced that the zookeeper overreacted. ..''

Gone in 64 seconds
Friday, 8th December 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''I’m feeling a little bit inadequate. Apparently, a normal male averages 20 minutes when expressing his love physically; I’m assuming that includes the taxi journey and the queue for the cashpoint. ..''

Back to the Führer
Friday, 1st December 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''My old man has forgotten more about betting than I’ll ever know; he has Alzheimer’s. It’s bad news for the old fellow, but it’s a result for me at Christmas...''

I’m a celebrity, get me oat
Thursday, 23rd November 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''I’m certainly not an intellectual; the last book I read in its entirety was ‘Little Women’, I found it short and dull. I do try to keep abreast of developments in the world of science though, and an article on ‘chaos theory’ recently caught my attention. ..''

I pity the Newell
Friday, 17th November 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''It’s easy to say the wrong thing. When the wife told me she’d received a fine for not wearing a seatbelt, I probably shouldn’t have responded with; “Why’s that then? Wouldn’t it fit?”..''

Arsene! Coffee!
Thursday, 9th November 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''Luck is an alien concept. At a recent fancy dress party to celebrate my father in law’s exit from the closet, the wife turned all ‘Paul Gascoigne’ on me. One minute, I was politely chatting to Britney Spears, the next thing I knew, the wife was repeatedly pommeling me with an oversized clown’s shoe. There’s nothing amusing about domestic violence...''

Razor nigh brow
Thursday, 2nd November 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''Paul Scholes is generally admired as a footballer, but rarely receives the recognition he deserves as a role model. When Paul was a ginger schoolboy, he didn’t wallow in self pity praying for baldness, he played football with the normal children until he reached a level where Manchester United were prepared to sign him. ..''

Flappy girth day to Roo
Thursday, 26th October 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''I’m not obsessed with celebrity, but I feel I have a genuine connection with Paul McCartney. Admittedly, I have no musical talent, and i’d happily kill my own mother for a bacon sandwich; but i know what it’s like to get grief from a legless woman. ..''

Balloon out of all proportion
Thursday, 19th October 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''Normally I have little to no time for politicians; but when plans were afoot to open a massage parlour in my neighbourhood, I felt obliged to write to my local MP, demanding that action be taken to keep prices at an affordable level. ..''

The ‘No Bell’ peace prize
Thursday, 12th October 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''I’m not one to blow my own horn; in fact, I only ever whip my horn out on special occasions, such as a birthday, a Christmas party or a comical episode of Soccer AM. However, it’s with a genuine sense of pride that i speak of my recent charity work; I’ve been heavily involved in raising awareness of lesbian issues via the medium of DVD...''

Where are you now…when I kneed you
Friday, 6th October 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''Without constructive criticism, improvement is virtually impossible. Armed with this noble philosophy and an in depth knowledge of the beautiful game, I have decided to share a couple of potentially helpful observations with the great minds of the English FA. ..''

The bedding zinger
Friday, 29th September 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''I’m not the sentimental type. The only time I’ve ever cried as an adult was when the wife threatened to leave me; I was absolutely devastated when she changed her mind at the last minute. ..''

A bung, bung, bungalow in Baghdad
Friday, 22nd September 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''I’m not the type of man who makes disparaging comments about a person’s individual beliefs, but anyone who visits a psychic should be institutionalised. ..''

It ain’t over ‘til the fat laddie swings
Thursday, 14th September 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''To be successful in life, you have to be a positive thinker. Every night I say to myself, “You are Gerry McDonnell, and you can achieve anything.” It’s equally important to remain level-headed though, so I always add: “Yes, but you’re still a tool.” ..''

Sore berries and cream
Thursday, 7th September 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''Having been involved in the sports betting game since I was knee high to Paul Dickov, I’ve pretty much seen it all; I’m practically unshockable. ..''

The bitterest pillow
Wednesday, 30th August 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''I am not a happy man. As a rule, the wife and I are normally easy going, or to be more truthful, she’s easy and I’m going. ..''

A Ferd in the hand is worth two on the box
Friday, 25th August 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''There is only one thing in life that’s more enjoyable than an evening with the wife and kids, and that’s an evening without the wife and kids. Whenever I’m lucky enough to be rid of the evil one and her two clones, I like to relax in front of the box with a couple of lagers watching quality television programming...''

A Drog with two ricks
Friday, 18th August 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''Occasionally, a person can become so synonymous with a certain action that the English language will evolve as a result. For example, if the sight of anything Portuguese sends you into a psychotic rage, you’re ‘doing a Rooney’, if your alcoholic wife beats you up due to unresolved rage issues, she’s ‘knocked out a Gerry’, and if you pay six times over the correct market value for a mediocre footballer, you’ve ‘pulled a Fergie’. ..''

A tie, with a Lam starter
Thursday, 10th August 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''Sometimes in life you have to be willing to compromise. This morning for example, it was too chilly for a t-shirt, yet perplexingly, a little too warm for a jacket. ..''

The Thin Blue Swine
Thursday, 27th July 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''I’m no stranger to police attention. I was once driving along with the wife when the boys in blue pulled me over. The copper asked me if I’d been drinking...''

There’s a bad moo on the rise
Thursday, 6th July 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''To be a successful bettor, you have to understand probability. If you toss a coin in the air there’s a 50% chance that it will come down on heads, throw a dice in the air and there’s a 16.6% chance that it will land on a 6, throw a cat in the air and there’s a 100% chance that it will be a right good laugh. ..''

Pie, have you forsaken me?
Wednesday, 28th June 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''Pricing up a football match is a lot like baking a pie. Get all the ingredients right and you have a sweet smelling pastry that will attract interest from afar; get the ingredients wrong, and you’re left with a concoction so inedible, even Brazilian waddler Ronaldo would refuse to eat it all...''

An aggravated Ribery
Thursday, 15th June 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''Everything changes. In my youth, I would only consider a good looking female as a potential mate. Nowadays, only the lack of a pulse would rule a ‘lucky’ lady out of contention; and in all honesty, that’s not a total deal-breaker. ..''

Bat’s the way I like it, Aha Aha
Thursday, 8th June 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''I have to feel a certain amount of sympathy for the wife. I know she doesn’t enjoy me constantly discussing football, she’s Scottish. ..''

Don’t fry for me, Argentina
Thursday, 1st June 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''There is only one activity in life that can be considered preferable to watching a World Cup match with an ice cold lager, and that’s when you look in to the eyes of your loved one, and whisper those three little words, “I was on,” as you gently caress a winning betting slip while watching a World Cup match with an ice cold lager. The following guide will transform that utopian dream into a reality. ..''

Don’t you, forget about Lee
Thursday, 25th May 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''I am not an unsympathetic person. When the wife enquired if she’d recently added a little weight, I compassionately replied, “No, you’ve always been quite fat.” ..''

Amir formality for the King
Thursday, 18th May 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''For out and out drama, you’ve got to love the Championship play-off final. Who could forget Charlton’s pulsating victory over Sunderland in the classic final of ‘98? Well sadly, my old man. In fact, if you see a small befuddled pensioner roaming the streets, you’ll be better off avoiding football trivia altogether, senility is no picnic...''

Marlon, Hammer Reds and Pool Wails
Thursday, 11th May 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''In the majority of cases, there is no truth in a supposed national stereotype. The Germans are not all methodical robots; the French are not all obnoxious and the Americans are certainly not all overweight, self important, unintelligent, tambourine banging losers who you’d rather cross the street from rather than risk the possibility of any form of social interaction. ..''

A nappy ending
Friday, 5th May 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''I’ve never really understood the fascination with babies; they’re small, they’re ugly and they make absolutely no effort to participate in a coherent conversation. ..''

Only tools and horses
Thursday, 27th April 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''Looking back on it, marriage was probably a mistake. It’s not the compulsory reduction in alcohol consumption that I object to, or the fact that I have to endure television programmes with the word ‘vampire’ in the title, it’s the awful inane football related comments that plague my very existence. ..''

She’s got one hand in my pocket
Thursday, 20th April 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''Even a blind squirrel occasionally finds an acorn. I permed my five strongest fancies in doubles and upwards last week, in what proved to be the tastiest Canadian since Alanis Morissette. ..''

The pair of the Drog
Thursday, 13th April 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''The press boys have had a field day reporting on Wayne Rooney’s gambling losses this week, it’s easy for them to pontificate about betting responsibly, but I refuse to condemn the big lad, I too have wasted money on an old dog or two...''

Cesc, Drogs and Rock and Roll
Saturday, 8th April 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''Working on a Sunday is comparable to sleeping with the wife, it occurs rarely and it’s never enjoyable. ..''

It’s a war for four, send in the Gunners
Friday, 17th March 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''A psychic once predicted that I’d marry a small, blonde, beautiful woman, which proved to be wrong, wrong, wrong and the jury’s out. As a result of that experience, I’m a confirmed eyebrow raiser whenever the subject of the paranormal is raised, but even i can appreciate the sense of déjà vu emanating from the greatest competition in World football, the Premiership. ..''

Smudge not, lest ye be Smudged
Wednesday, 1st March 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''Throughout history, if a cause is powerful enough, people will unite to make the World a better place. ..''

The jewell of denial
Thursday, 23rd February 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''Here’s a question for al you deep thinkers. Can a fairytale really have a happy ending?..''

Give the Neville his due
Thursday, 16th February 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''Much like “Mike Riley waves away United’s penalty appeal,” or “Robbie Savage saved him from being booked there,” the phrase “Good old Gary Neville” is rarer than a Peter Crouch screamer. But thanks to Gary’s recent jig in front of the Scouse supporters, the match between Liverpool and Man U will now be tastier than a chicken madras after seven pints of lager. ..''

Rob ‘n Peter to slay Paul
Friday, 10th February 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''I’ll be honest with you all, I am not, nor have ever been, a practicing doctor. However, I know a case of robsavitis when I see it, a medical condition that makes you collapse for no apparent reason. Arjen Robben is the latest high profile sufferer, hopefully he’ll recover in time to face a freefalling Boro...''

The Gram of God
Thursday, 2nd February 2006
by Gerry McDonnell
''Beating the bookies is an enjoyable pastime, but is there more to life? Recently, I’ve felt an urge to discover a deeper meaning to my existence, leading me to conduct a little research in the field of religion and spirituality, in search of enlightenment, in search of God...''

The Gazza Strip
Saturday, 31st December 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''Contrary to popular belief, it’s not all parties and yachts when you’re a Premiership footballer. At this time of year, most players will face up to four matches in seven days, a schedule so tough, Wayne Rooney will be up and down the motorway, living off cold turkey sandwiches. He refuses to moan though, he enjoys an old bird. Man U are unbeaten in nine matches in the league, they’re a must bet at 4/11 at home to Bolton...''

Walking in a win to Sunderland
Saturday, 24th December 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''You’ve got to be tough with kids, my littlest one threw a strop last week when I didn’t lavish enough praise on him after he sent me a Christmas card. As a result of the little man’s naughtiness, his letter to Santa asking for a puppy, a train set and Rob McCaffrey to stop screaming, “What’s he like!” will now go unanswered...''

The Wenger Boys vs. Michael Hackson
Friday, 16th December 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''Jose Mourinho is like Marmite, his adverts are very annoying. Arsene Wenger is certainly not a lover of the special one, he threatened to sue Jose for an outrageous ‘voyeur’ slur earlier in the year, Mourinho retaliated by threatening to whip out his dossier. With clear animosity between the managers, Arsenal v Chelsea is a potential cracker. ..''

A tutu thriller
Thursday, 1st December 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''I’m no stranger to pain; I once watched all of Soccer AM. The feeling of hopelessness I experienced that day is similar to the distress that Manchester United supporters now feel, as they face a future without Roy Keane...''

Science is Goalden
Thursday, 24th November 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''The definition of happiness is spending time with the one you love; for me, that’s the television. Having accidentally flicked on to a science channel, I was intrigued by the following question, “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” ..''

The Talk of the Toon
Thursday, 17th November 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''A few years ago, you couldn’t turn the television on without hearing Bob Hoskins say, “It’s good to talk”, Jose Mourinho may not be a chubby Cockney, but he shares Bob’s love of the spoken word...''

Becks, Rugs and Rock and Roll
Thursday, 10th November 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''We’ve all heard the expression, ‘It could be a war out there’, when Argentina play England at football; it’s not a cliché, it’s a valid prediction...''

The bubble boy
Thursday, 3rd November 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''Even a betting genius can occasionally have a bad week. After receiving an ultimatum from the wife, “It’s either betting or me.” I immediately had a lumpy bet on Chelsea to beat Betis. To make matters even worse, the threat turned out to be very much like the wife; idle. ..''

Killing me softly…..with Boumsong
Friday, 28th October 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''The pen is mightier than the sword, but definitely not in the hands of a Frenchman. As a result of Arsenal’s hilarious spot-kick, Thierry Henry is now responsible for the remainder of the Gunners’ penalties. The showboat capsized spectacularly, but it’s the bookies that will be turned over; back the French genius to be top Premiership goal scorer at 4/1...''

The Moody Blues
Thursday, 13th October 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''As a child, I quickly came to terms with the concept of a caterpillar evolving into a butterfly. As an adult, I accepted the wife’s monthly tendency to turn into a raging psychopath, before reverting back to the more placid psychopath she would normally be. As a betting genius, I find Everton’s transformation from Champions League participants into Sunday League cloggers more difficult to comprehend...''

Ramsay's Treat
Thursday, 6th October 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''I'm not one for jumping on band-wagons, or any wooden form of transport, but Sven has made mistakes in the last couple of games that need to be rectified. ..''

Can't buy me love, by the Beat All's
Thursday, 29th September 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''In life, I have two goals (that's one more than Djibril Cisse); to see world peace in my lifetime, and to make a consistent profit on football betting. Unfortunately, only one of my goals is achievable...''

The Good Book
Thursday, 22nd September 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''The Premiership is universally touted as the greatest league in the World, yet the football played this season is comparable to sex between old people; exciting for the participants, but the neutral has no real interest...''

The beer hunter
Friday, 16th September 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''At the start of the season, one firm offered odds on which was more likely to occur, Charlton will play Chelsea in a top of the table encounter or Robbie Savage will win 'Player's player of the year'...''

Conferring, referring and undoubted porridge stirring
Friday, 9th September 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''Some men dream of wealth, others cherish power. I however, have a thirst for knowledge. (And lager.) In order to complete my quest for a greater understanding of life's complexities, the following questions need to be asked...''

Easy money, follow the Psycho path
Friday, 26th August 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''Betting on football is a lot like living with a woman, there are always an incredible amount of rules you have to follow to make the experience pleasurable...''

Twigs, Giggs and silk wearing pigs
Friday, 19th August 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''There's an old Chinese proverb that wisely states, 'Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day; give him twelve cans of lager, and he'll think that Chelsea are a decent bet at home to Arsenal.'..''

The Toon, a Loon and a Man on the Moon
Tuesday, 9th August 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''KUMB welcomes back regular columnist and tip-top tipster Gerry McDonnell for the new season. ..''

Remember the LMO
Friday, 20th May 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''Hippies have Woodstock, nerds have Star Wars and bookmakers have the FA Cup final. Millions will be won and lost on the footballing highlight of the year, a face to face showdown between two great teams who aren't on each others Christmas card list...''

Snooze papers and terror text
Wednesday, 27th April 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''Once upon a time, when I was just a little betting genius, I first discovered the phrase, 'Do not believe everything you read.' That advice is as relevant today as it was back then...''

The thriller in Camilla
Thursday, 7th April 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''William Shakespeare famously wrote, "A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! ..''

Rooney, the student and Muff
Thursday, 24th March 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''As much as I love the World Cup, I can't for the life of me work out why a pointless qualifier against Northern Ireland should take precedent over the domestic programme. Being a visionary, I have a solution to the problem. ..''

The Beatles, Plutarch and Gerry McDonnell
Saturday, 19th March 2005
by Gerry McDonnell
''KUMB welcomes aboard online tipster Gerry McDonnell who'll be bringing us his thoughts on the big games each week...''

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