The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Anything goes in The Snug, the GD's rebellious little brother. An off-topic den of iniquity for non-football/news related musings.

Moderators: bristolhammerfc, sicknote, -DL-, Rio, Gnome, chalks, the pink palermo

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Tue May 08, 2018 4:11 pm

:D
User avatar
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 18049
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby nedgray on Tue May 08, 2018 9:26 pm

A Man trying to cross a busy road gets run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.

A policeman knocks on the door of the family to inform them of the sad news and says:
"I’m really sorry.........but theres no easy way to say this"...

:D
User avatar
nedgray
 
Posts: 499
Joined: Wed Sep 22, 2004 2:14 pm

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Monkeybubbles on Wed May 09, 2018 9:40 am

Stevie Wonder, live at the Budokan in Tokyo. 12,000 people having a fantastic time as Stevie winds the set to a close....

"Thanks everybody, you've been terrific, we've just got time to do one more number for you......anybody got any requests?"

At this point a Japanese chap at the front of the crowd yells out "Play a jazz chord!! Play a jazz chord!!"

"Yeah, jazz", says Stevie, "hit it boys, a 1 and a 2 and a 3...." and off they go on a vamp based on Superstition, tootling and farting in a jazz stylee for a couple of minutes, ending on a big chord from the brass section. "Thanks everyone, I hope that was ok for you buddy...."

"No, no, no, play a jazz chord!!! Play a jazz chord!!"

Stevie's a bit miffed. "Ok then fellers, let's burn this mother...." and they plunge into some wild improvised collage of noise, 15 minutes of mayhem building into a mad crescendo of cacophony that echoes into the night.

Stevie is exhausted.

"Thanks everybody, we got nothing left, see you next time......"

"No, no, no, play a jazz chord!!! Play a jazz chord!!"

He's got the right hump now. "Ok dude, if you think you can beat that, you come up here and show us!"

"Ok" says the Japanese guy, and jumps up on stage. He steps up to the microphone, clears his throat, and........

"A jazz chord
to say
ah ruv yoooooo......"
User avatar
Monkeybubbles
 
Posts: 4900
Joined: Sun Feb 02, 2014 12:00 pm
Location: Rumble, Brighton, Tonight.

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Tenbury on Wed May 09, 2018 10:22 am

F**ks sake....
User avatar
Tenbury
 
Posts: 2484
Joined: Wed Apr 13, 2016 3:28 pm
Location: Too near Kidderminster

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby sandbanks on Wed May 09, 2018 11:38 am

Similar joke to the Stevie Wonder one, except the singer was Cliff Richard, the song request was for 'Tits an' Fanny' and the pay-off was 'Tits an' fanny, how we don't talk anymore'.
User avatar
sandbanks
 
Posts: 362
Joined: Thu Sep 27, 2012 11:53 am

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Wed May 09, 2018 9:50 pm

Finally justice has been served.
So there has been this thug called Cal going around breaking into people’s houses near me for months, but the police couldn’t catch him. The weirdest thing about it all he was breaking into people’s house’s just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks into them and turning them on. Very strange if you ask me. Anyway, I’ve just read he’s died. It’s never nice hearing of people’s deaths, but look on the bright side...

Washing machines live longer with Cal gone.
User avatar
Dover KUMB fan
 
Posts: 2773
Joined: Fri Nov 27, 2009 9:33 am

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Thu May 10, 2018 3:11 pm

Paddy goes into a bar on his own and order 9 pints.

He drinks the first one, the third, fifth, seventh and ninth pint.

The puzzled barman asks " Paddy, how come you only drank some of the drinks and not the rest of them "

Paddy replies:

" I had a check up and my doctor told me that I drank too much so he said I could only have the odd pint "
User avatar
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 18049
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Cuenca 'ammer on Thu May 10, 2018 3:25 pm

ageing hammer wrote:Paddy goes into a bar on his own and order 9 pints.

He drinks the first one, the third, fifth, seventh and ninth pint.

The puzzled barman asks " Paddy, how come you only drank some of the drinks and not the rest of them "

Paddy replies:

" I had a check up and my doctor told me that I drank too much so he said I could only have the odd pint "


:thup: :thup:
User avatar
Cuenca 'ammer
ex 'ouston 'ammer
 
Posts: 25737
Joined: Thu Dec 05, 2002 5:19 pm
Location: Journey to the dead of night. High on a hill in Eldorado

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby nedgray on Thu May 10, 2018 7:18 pm

I was the getaway driver for a robbery at a paper factory in Bristol last night.
Needed to make a fast escape so we took the A4.

:D
User avatar
nedgray
 
Posts: 499
Joined: Wed Sep 22, 2004 2:14 pm

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Fri May 11, 2018 3:35 pm

A tourist stopped me yesterday and asked me could I direct him to the local boozer.

I told him " You're speaking to him "
User avatar
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 18049
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Cuenca 'ammer on Fri May 11, 2018 3:41 pm

ageing hammer wrote:A tourist stopped me yesterday and asked me could I direct him to the local boozer.

I told him " You're speaking to him "


:thup: :thup:
User avatar
Cuenca 'ammer
ex 'ouston 'ammer
 
Posts: 25737
Joined: Thu Dec 05, 2002 5:19 pm
Location: Journey to the dead of night. High on a hill in Eldorado

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Thu May 17, 2018 11:57 am

Why are Catholic priests called father?

Because "Daddy" would be too suspicious
User avatar
Greatest Cockney Rip Off
 
Posts: 13767
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 1:29 am
Location: The oil drum in the Garden of England

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Thu May 17, 2018 12:00 pm

I used to know an insomniac, dyslexic, agnostic - he would lay awake at night, wondering if there really was a dog.............
User avatar
Greatest Cockney Rip Off
 
Posts: 13767
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 1:29 am
Location: The oil drum in the Garden of England

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Thu May 17, 2018 1:01 pm

Harry & Meghan are breaking with tradition & not having fruitcake at their wedding.
Prince Philip says " Stuff them, I'm going anyway!"
User avatar
Dover KUMB fan
 
Posts: 2773
Joined: Fri Nov 27, 2009 9:33 am

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Thu May 17, 2018 1:53 pm

Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:Why are Catholic priests called father?

Because "Daddy" would be too suspicious


Because the father away they are the safer your kids are
User avatar
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 18049
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby southbrishammer on Thu May 17, 2018 2:25 pm

A blast from the past:

What happens if you wear radioactive underpants?

Chernobyl fallout.
User avatar
southbrishammer
 
Posts: 2972
Joined: Wed Mar 05, 2008 12:46 am
Location: South Bris

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Fri May 18, 2018 2:56 pm

The Royal Wedding is almost upon us.

Meghan Markles's old man won't be there, but then again, neither will Harry's. :D
User avatar
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 18049
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Paddy O'Hammer on Fri May 25, 2018 1:49 am

Alcohol probably won't fix your problems, but it's worth a shot.

-----------------------------------------

My Grandad died because we couldn't remember his blood type. All through his illness he kept insisting, "Be positive."
Good ol' Grandad. Ever the optimist.

----------------------------------------

I thought I had made a Japanese friend but it was just my imagine Asian.

----------------------------------------

There I was, in a duel, armed with only a pen and a piece of paper.
I drew my weapon...

#thepenismightierthanthesword

----------------------------------------

I accidentally handed my friend a glue stick instead of a chapstick.
Now she's not talking to me.

----------------------------------------

I don't give money to beggars for two reasons:
1. They would spend it on alcohol.
2. I want to spend it on alcohol.

----------------------------------------

I offended a couple of guys today because I referred to them as hipsters.
Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins.'

----------------------------------------

I won $3 million in the US lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $2,999,999.75.

----------------------------------------

I told my dad to embrace his mistakes. He cried.
Then he hugged me and my sister.

----------------------------------------

Got fired on my first day as a car salesman today after a customer asked about cargo space and I replied, "Car no do that. Car no fly."

----------------------------------------
User avatar
Paddy O'Hammer
 
Posts: 9491
Joined: Wed May 23, 2007 10:57 am
Location: Dublin, Ireland

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Fri May 25, 2018 11:10 am

Someone asked me if I knew a GDPR expert.
"Oh yes!" I replied "I know someone who is really hot on it"
"Great, can I have their Email address?"

"No"
User avatar
Dover KUMB fan
 
Posts: 2773
Joined: Fri Nov 27, 2009 9:33 am

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby 'Appy 'Ammer on Fri May 25, 2018 7:02 pm

True story.

My Mrs asked me if we wanted anything from her friends car boot sale as she was selling everything to travel Europe.

"Her knicker drawer" wasn't the right answer
User avatar
'Appy 'Ammer
 
Posts: 4443
Joined: Tue Feb 04, 2003 12:42 pm
Location: The Machine Gunners " Where ya going now?"

PreviousNext

Return to The Snug

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Stringey, westham,eggyandchips and 6 guests