The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Anything goes in The Snug, the GD's rebellious little brother. An off-topic den of iniquity for non-football/news related musings.

Moderators: bristolhammerfc, sicknote, -DL-, Rio, Gnome, chalks, the pink palermo

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby York Ham(mer) on Wed Jul 04, 2018 9:01 pm

A little known fact about the England and Arsenal forward Danny Welbeck is that his father use to be a bomb disposal expert called Stan.
Last edited by York Ham(mer) on Thu Jul 05, 2018 7:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
York Ham(mer)
 
Posts: 8248
Joined: Sat Mar 05, 2005 7:15 am
Location: In exile up north

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby S-H on Wed Jul 04, 2018 9:17 pm

York :D :thup:
User avatar
S-H
 
Posts: 9001
Joined: Tue Jul 06, 2010 7:05 am
Location: Part-time Wurzel fluffer.

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Thu Jul 05, 2018 4:24 pm

What did the bestiality obsessed scientist say to his assistant?

"I'll be in my lab."
User avatar
Greatest Cockney Rip Off
 
Posts: 13837
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 1:29 am
Location: The oil drum in the Garden of England

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Samba on Fri Jul 06, 2018 12:09 am

Andrew Neil on 'This Week':
"If England win the World Cup, Jeremy Corbyn wants the country to all have a day off. If Russia win, the week off."
User avatar
Samba
 
Posts: 3175
Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:36 pm
Location: Wondering when Karren Brady's going to fuck something else up.

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Los Martillos on Sat Jul 07, 2018 9:44 pm

oops wrong thread!
:oops:
User avatar
Los Martillos
 
Posts: 6290
Joined: Mon May 23, 2005 8:20 pm
Location: Hook, Line, Sinker, Copy of the Angling Times

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Sun Jul 08, 2018 5:05 pm

My mate has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Colchester zoo.
Westcliffspur
 
Posts: 421
Joined: Thu Aug 29, 2013 9:12 pm

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Cobham Hammer on Tue Jul 10, 2018 12:04 pm

Up before the Judge for Killing a rare bird of prey, Fred is in trouble.
“Killing a barn owl is a serious offence, before I pass sentence have you got any thing to say in your
defence ??."

“Your honour I have the best excuse. I killed the bird for food. I’m out of work, no money and hunger drove me to do it. I ate it."

“Hmmm in the circumstances I’ll let you off with a warning this time, but before you go I must know……What does Barn Owl taste like ??? “

“Oh that’s easy”, says Fred, "a mixture of Peregrine Falcon and Golden Eagle."
Cobham Hammer
 
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue Sep 07, 2010 11:12 pm

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Wed Jul 11, 2018 5:03 pm

Done before but anyway:

A lady is throwing a party where each guest shows up as their favorite emotion. A guest arrives dressed in green. "Envy!" she says, and lets him in.

Another one comes dressed in red. She says, "Anger!" and lets her in.

Two naked guys walk up to the front door. One guy is holding a bowl of pudding with his cock stuck in it, and the other guy has cock in a hollowed-out pear.

"Wait a minute," she says to them. "This is supposed to be an emotion party!"



The first guy says, "Yeah, I am ****ing dis-custard."

The second guy says, "And I am deep in dis-pear."
User avatar
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 18136
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Wed Jul 11, 2018 5:58 pm

A man goes to the doctors and says "Der,der,der,der,doctor, you,you,you,you've gor,gor,gor,got to hel,hel,help me, I've got,gor,gor,got to ge,ge,ge,get sho,sho,sho,shot of this stut,stut,Stu,stutter!"


"Ok, I'll just examine you see if I can spot the problem."said the Doc.

The patient strips and as he drops his pants, his dick almost hits the floor it's so long!

"Aha," says the doc, "There's your problem."

"Wha,what,what do you me,me,me,mean" says the bloke.

"Well, your penis is so exaggerated in its length and girth, that the weight is pulling on your stomach muscles causing you to stammer and stutter. Your only hope is a transplant to something shorter, thus relaxing the strain".

The bloke agrees to the suggested approach and the doctor arranges for the operation which takes place a week or so later.

A month or so after, the patient goes back to the doctors again. "Doc," he says "the voice is great, I can talk, more confidently and have no problem chatting up the ladies - It's great! However, this ridiculously small cock is crap with the birds, and I wondered if there was any chance of getting my old knob back?"

To which the Doctor replies "You,you,you,you can fu,fu,fu,gu ck righ righ, right off!"
User avatar
Bamber Gascoigne
 
Posts: 4084
Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2003 7:12 pm
Location: 51° 31′ 55″ N, 0° 2′ 22″ E

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Thu Jul 12, 2018 2:43 pm

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine still running."
User avatar
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 18136
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Thu Jul 12, 2018 8:42 pm

ageing hammer wrote:A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine still running."


:thup:
User avatar
Greatest Cockney Rip Off
 
Posts: 13837
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 1:29 am
Location: The oil drum in the Garden of England

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Fri Jul 13, 2018 9:08 pm

I'm reading my first book in Braille. It's a Stephen King horror. Something bad is coming. I can feel it.
Westcliffspur
 
Posts: 421
Joined: Thu Aug 29, 2013 9:12 pm

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby WHU_Del on Fri Jul 13, 2018 9:34 pm

An old Navy stoker ends up in Hell.
After a few days, Satan notices that the old boy seems quite comfortable.
'I can't be having this,' he thinks, and orders the furnaces to be turned up.
The stoker is still showing no signs of discomfort, so Satan orders everything turned up to the max.
After a couple of days, he pokes his head round the door, and sees the old stoker with a big, relaxed smile.
'Why are you smiling?'
'Mate, I spent forty years in boiler rooms, shovelling coal. This is perfect for me'.
'Right then', thinks Satan, and orders all the furnaces to be switched off and massive piles of ice to be deposited all over Hell.
After a week, no-one can stand up because they're slipping on the ice, there's icicles hanging off every available surface, all the demons have four layers of clothes on.
'Let's see how this fella likes it now' says Satan and goes back to see him.
Not only is the old stoker smiling, he's roaring with laughter.
'NOW WHAT?!' says Satan. 'WHY ARE SO HAPPY?'
'Didn't you know? I'm a West Ham fan, we must have won the League!'
User avatar
WHU_Del
 
Posts: 6516
Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2006 6:18 pm
Location: In the words of William Morris: 'I come not from Heaven, but from Essex'.

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby stuboy on Fri Jul 13, 2018 9:51 pm

I threw a surprise bukkake party for the wife's birthday, loads of people came, you should have seen her face!
User avatar
stuboy
 
Posts: 2071
Joined: Fri Jan 31, 2003 4:39 pm
Location: Somewhere stuck between joyful and peachy

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Fri Jul 13, 2018 11:24 pm

WHU_Del wrote:An old Navy stoker ends up in Hell.
After a few days, Satan notices that the old boy seems quite comfortable.
'I can't be having this,' he thinks, and orders the furnaces to be turned up.
The stoker is still showing no signs of discomfort, so Satan orders everything turned up to the max.
After a couple of days, he pokes his head round the door, and sees the old stoker with a big, relaxed smile.
'Why are you smiling?'
'Mate, I spent forty years in boiler rooms, shovelling coal. This is perfect for me'.
'Right then', thinks Satan, and orders all the furnaces to be switched off and massive piles of ice to be deposited all over Hell.
After a week, no-one can stand up because they're slipping on the ice, there's icicles hanging off every available surface, all the demons have four layers of clothes on.
'Let's see how this fella likes it now' says Satan and goes back to see him.
Not only is the old stoker smiling, he's roaring with laughter.
'NOW WHAT?!' says Satan. 'WHY ARE SO HAPPY?'
'Didn't you know? I'm a West Ham fan, we must have won the League!'



Bravo Sir :D
User avatar
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 18136
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Wed Jul 18, 2018 7:25 pm

Two little old ladies, Connie & Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench
Outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short
One, Connie, leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any
Fun anymore. For £10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that
Stupid, boring flower show!'

'You're on!' said Evelyn, holding up a £10.00 note.

So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried
Flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then,
Completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front
Door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,
Followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie
Came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

'What happened?' asked Evelyn.

'I won £1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement"
User avatar
Dover KUMB fan
 
Posts: 2795
Joined: Fri Nov 27, 2009 9:33 am

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Tenbury on Wed Jul 18, 2018 8:27 pm

:D
User avatar
Tenbury
 
Posts: 2559
Joined: Wed Apr 13, 2016 3:28 pm
Location: Too near Kidderminster

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Thu Jul 19, 2018 8:48 am

I miss the good old days. Like when you could go into a newsagents with £1, & come out with a bar of chocolate, a can of coke, a bag of crisps & a magazine.

Not a chance these days, CCTV everywhere!
User avatar
Dover KUMB fan
 
Posts: 2795
Joined: Fri Nov 27, 2009 9:33 am

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Thu Jul 19, 2018 9:32 am

Dover KUMB fan wrote:I miss the good old days. Like when you could go into a newsagents with £1, & come out with a bar of chocolate, a can of coke, a bag of crisps & a magazine.

Not a chance these days, CCTV everywhere!


I am old enough to have got all those for two shillings :oops:
Last edited by ageing hammer on Thu Jul 19, 2018 2:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 18136
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Thu Jul 19, 2018 2:47 pm

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper, before leaving, she says to the guy ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.‘About 32,’ he replies ‘No! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘No, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a sweet shop on her way down the street, she goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question, the shop assistant responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question, he replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was, it sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her, she finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
Hammer.CA
 
Posts: 1461
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 11:37 pm

PreviousNext

Return to The Snug

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: DasNutNock, szola, vietnammer and 3 guests