The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Anything goes in The Snug, the GD's rebellious little brother. An off-topic den of iniquity for non-football/news related musings.

Moderators: bristolhammerfc, sicknote, -DL-, Rio, Gnome, chalks, the pink palermo

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Puff Daddy on Sat Oct 06, 2018 11:29 am

Two logs. One log said to the other log, I slept like a man last night
User avatar
Puff Daddy
Gone for a Burton
 
Posts: 21778
Joined: Mon Feb 26, 2007 3:08 pm
Location: Westham Way

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby jevs on Sat Oct 06, 2018 4:07 pm

2 Parrots sitting on a perch. One said to the other "I can smell fish"
User avatar
jevs
 
Posts: 7927
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2004 7:15 pm
Location: Lewes, East Sussex

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Tenbury on Sun Oct 07, 2018 4:45 am

OK,I'll hold my hand up, ^^^^ I really had to think about that. ^^^^^^ !! :D
User avatar
Tenbury
 
Posts: 2594
Joined: Wed Apr 13, 2016 3:28 pm
Location: Too near Kidderminster

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Mon Oct 08, 2018 8:57 pm

My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.

His exact words were, “When I want your ****ing advice, I’ll ask for it.”
User avatar
Greatest Cockney Rip Off
 
Posts: 13882
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 1:29 am
Location: The oil drum in the Garden of England

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Tue Oct 09, 2018 10:54 am

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday "A spa would be nice" she replied "OK" I said, jabbing her in the nose 3 times "You'll have to be quicker than that"
Hammer.CA
 
Posts: 1463
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 11:37 pm

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby West Ham Dave on Tue Oct 09, 2018 10:50 pm

Just been told all clocks have to go back this month
That’s going to be difficult, I can’t remember where any of ours came from.
User avatar
West Ham Dave
 
Posts: 1623
Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2006 6:28 pm
Location: Loughton

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Wed Oct 10, 2018 8:13 am

Sausage and an egg in a frying pan. Sausage goes Hot in here ain't it. Egg goes Blimey, a talking sausage!
User avatar
vietnammer
Bucky the beaver
 
Posts: 25111
Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2002 3:31 am
Location: Those little golden birdies look at them

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby DoubleDave on Thu Oct 11, 2018 12:23 am

I went to my fridge this morning because I could swear I could hear spring onions singing Bee Gees songs. But it turned out to be just the chives talking
User avatar
DoubleDave
 
Posts: 2429
Joined: Wed Mar 16, 2005 3:01 pm
Location: Slough

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Fri Oct 12, 2018 6:36 pm

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping.

After their evening meal they laid down for the night, and wished each other pleasant dreams and went off to sleep.

During the night, Holmes awoke. He nudged Watson and said "Dear faithful friend. When you look up at the night sky what you see?"

Watson looked around and replied, "I see Stars. Millions upon millions of Stars."

"And, my dear Watson" said Holmes "What can one tell from that?"

"Well" said the Doctor "Astronomically, it tells me that there are multitudes of galaxies and planets. Astrologically, I do believe that Saturn is well within in Leo, and horologically I would say that the time is approximately two forty five AM. There - what does it tell you Holmes old boy, what?"

"It tells me Watson..." said Holmes "....that some ****er has stolen our tent."
User avatar
Bamber Gascoigne
 
Posts: 4097
Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2003 7:12 pm
Location: 51° 31′ 55″ N, 0° 2′ 22″ E

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Sat Oct 13, 2018 7:56 pm

Bamber you always deliver :D
User avatar
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 18182
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby only1post on Sat Oct 13, 2018 11:21 pm

One for the kids....

Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.

They're both cauldron.
only1post
 
Posts: 1474
Joined: Tue Feb 18, 2014 12:48 pm

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Sun Oct 14, 2018 7:57 pm

This chap was an amateur bagpiper.

Nothing grand, but he had played a few festivals, fetes and at special occasions etc.

One day, a funeral director friend asked him to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had died out in the cold. The departed had no family or friends, and the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Scottish West Highlands.

The bagpiper was not at all familiar with the area, and on the way got lost. He finally arrived an hour late and there was no funeral director or hearse in sight. The only people there were the diggers and they appeared to have started to fill in the grave before stopping to eat their lunch.

The bagpiper felt bad and apologised to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down and saw that the coffin lid was almost covered by their earlier work.

He didn't know what to say or do, so he plumped up his pipes and started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. The piper played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. He played like he had never played before for this poor homeless man.

As he played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, he wept, they all wept together. Although the pipers head was hung low, his heart was full of pride that maybe at least he had seen the poor chap off with some dignity

When he finished, the piper packed up his instrument, returned to his car and put it into the boot. As he got in the car to leave he waved to the diggers, of whom the nearest returned the wave and called to him

"That was unbelievable. I've never seen anything like that before.....and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
User avatar
Bamber Gascoigne
 
Posts: 4097
Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2003 7:12 pm
Location: 51° 31′ 55″ N, 0° 2′ 22″ E

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Sun Oct 14, 2018 9:37 pm

The wife stumbled into the kitchen. Her hair was everywhere, her face was covered in blood, and she was holding her arm which was twisted and appeared to be broken in at least 2 places!

"FFS!" She screamed and sobbed "Didn't you hear me just fall down the stairs?"

"Was that you?" I said, "I'm sorry, I thought it was Eastenders finishing" ....
User avatar
Bamber Gascoigne
 
Posts: 4097
Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2003 7:12 pm
Location: 51° 31′ 55″ N, 0° 2′ 22″ E

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby lewisham-mer on Tue Oct 16, 2018 8:53 pm

Just spent £300 on a limo and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.
lewisham-mer
 
Posts: 1541
Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2011 10:21 am
Location: Um...Lewisham...

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby BalaamBoy on Wed Oct 17, 2018 11:07 am

^^ Nice!!

Chap gets home from work.
First thing he notices is that the gate is open, there are two unknown kids playing in the sandpit, another one wandering around covered in chocolate with his nappy hanging off, and toys are scattered all over the garden.
He goes inside. The hallway is littered with shoes and clothes, the kitchen is a mess, there washing up in the sink, used plates and cups on the table, two half-empty saucepans on the stove, and a pile of washing on the floor.
He's starting to become a little anxious, so he calls for his wife.
'I'm up here' she replies
So he goes up the bedroom to find her lying on the bed, reading a book, and sipping a cup of tea.
'What's going on?' he asks
'Well', she starts 'you know how you normally come home and ask me what I've done today? Well, today, I didn't do it!!'
BalaamBoy
 
Posts: 1250
Joined: Sat Jan 15, 2011 3:18 pm

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Georgee Paris on Wed Oct 17, 2018 4:33 pm

I don't get it? Why doesn't he recognize the kids? :eh:
User avatar
Georgee Paris
 
Posts: 20892
Joined: Fri Jan 30, 2004 4:07 pm
Location: RUSH HOUR CRUSH

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Paddy O'Hammer on Wed Oct 17, 2018 5:17 pm

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.
User avatar
Paddy O'Hammer
 
Posts: 9530
Joined: Wed May 23, 2007 10:57 am
Location: Dublin, Ireland

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Thu Oct 18, 2018 5:26 am

Georgee Paris wrote:I don't get it? Why doesn't he recognize the kids? :eh:


Think it's kind of a feminist gag i.e. 'what have I done?' clean the house, do the washing, cook the food, bear your children
User avatar
vietnammer
Bucky the beaver
 
Posts: 25111
Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2002 3:31 am
Location: Those little golden birdies look at them

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Deepster on Thu Oct 18, 2018 6:36 pm

A man goes for a job on board a cruise ship. Captain asked him if he had any experience at sea.
"No" he said "but I'm honest" so the captain takes him on.
3 weeks into the journey the man is mopping the decks when a big wave takes him overboard.
The first mate ran into the captain and says "you know that man you took on, the honest one?
Well he's just ****ed off with our mop"
Deepster
 
Posts: 53
Joined: Mon Oct 24, 2016 12:08 pm

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby westhamdave1 on Fri Oct 19, 2018 12:34 am

only1post wrote:One for the kids....

Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.

They're both cauldron.


Myself and a few of my mates have just entered that new Harry Potter competition ..... only cost a quid each !!
westhamdave1
 
Posts: 1810
Joined: Thu Aug 16, 2012 1:38 am

PreviousNext

Return to The Snug

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 7 guests