The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby badgermax on Thu Jan 10, 2019 2:00 am

It was an Australian phone in (FOX FM), true allegedly.

google "Australian radio show up the ass"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Thu Jan 10, 2019 8:27 am

My budgie broke his leg yesterday so I made him a little splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Thu Jan 10, 2019 9:24 am

:thup: :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby jevs on Thu Jan 10, 2019 11:57 am

Be careful people , theres a message going round that mentions tinned meat, whatever you do dont open it..............its spam !!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Thu Jan 10, 2019 3:02 pm

Did you know?
Elvis Presley's coffin was made of redwood, & took 2 weeks to make.
Michael Jackson's coffin was made of oak, & took a week to make

Gene Pitney's? 24 hours.....From Balsa
:oops:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Puff Daddy on Thu Jan 10, 2019 3:54 pm

This is also true from the days when Chris Tarrant hosted an early morning radio show.

He too had a phone in slot, whereby he asked contestants from a set of obscure clues to try to name the named of a well known personality. On this occasion, the name of the personality contestants had to identify was famous Motor racing commentator, Murray Walker. The clue to his identity, was kept secret to the phone in contestant, but made available, (don't know how, but it was) to the general public. On this occasion, a girl form Essex, called Tracey phoned in and Tarrant read out the clue:

You can suck these ( A Murray mint)

After a long pause, she screamed out:: Ah !! I've got it ~ Dicky Davis
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Thu Jan 10, 2019 5:01 pm

I find it astonishing how many Formula 1 drivers are linked to Scottish towns.

Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Eddie Irvine.......Ayr Town Centre....
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Thu Jan 10, 2019 5:03 pm

Julie Andrews has issued a statement saying she will no longer be endorsing Rimmel high colour lipsticks. She claims they crack too easily & make her breath smell.
She said in her statement...
Super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.

:cry:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby view from the shires on Thu Jan 10, 2019 6:11 pm

Monkeybubbles wrote:Harry Kane just got an MBE. Which is ironic, because that's how he pronounces their current home ground.


I just googled to see if it was true that he had an MBE and the first thing to come up was his quote "It's hard to put into words" :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Thu Jan 10, 2019 10:16 pm

I see Amazon boss Jeff Bezos’ wife is leaving him.

With a neighbour, presumably.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Thu Jan 10, 2019 10:18 pm

Mate of mine fantasized about being run over by a steam train so I arranged it for him.

He was chuffed to bits!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Thu Jan 10, 2019 10:38 pm

Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:I see Amazon boss Jeff Bezos’ wife is leaving him.

With a neighbour, presumably.


Took a while but that is very good :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby DoubleDave on Fri Jan 11, 2019 6:14 pm

On a recent visit to Ireland, Diane Abbott was asked "What do you think of County Down?"
She replied "I really like it, but I preferred it when Carol Vorderman was on it."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby IABATAC on Fri Jan 11, 2019 6:48 pm

Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:I see Amazon boss Jeff Bezos’ wife is leaving him.

With a neighbour, presumably.



And that's why this thread will go on forever. Superb, sir
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby delbert on Fri Jan 11, 2019 7:44 pm

What's white and slides across the floor?

Come dancing.

What's white and slides across the floor with a ball gag?

Strictly come dancing.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby S-H on Fri Jan 11, 2019 11:04 pm

A Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta are all sat in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth.

The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys - however, unfortunately, they've run out of the name tags and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc.

The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby.

The Rasta looks a bit confused, "Excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a Scouser, and I'm takin' no chances!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby West Ham Dave on Mon Jan 14, 2019 11:40 pm

Following on from the quiz show answers:

*Slips of the Tongue*

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........
Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Tue Jan 15, 2019 8:05 pm

I asked Alexa "what do women want?"
The bloody thing hasn't shut up
for three days..
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Tue Jan 15, 2019 8:23 pm

West Ham Dave wrote:12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio


:lol: Some of those are quality!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby S-H on Tue Jan 15, 2019 8:39 pm

:D :thup:
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