The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Thu May 16, 2019 5:20 pm

An undercover cop called at a farm...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, the farmer replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the f..k I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this f...ing badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever I want, have I made myself clear?”
The farmer nodded politely, apologised, and went about his chores. A short while later, he heard loud screams and looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by an angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
The farmer threw down his tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of his lungs,

“Your badge, show him your f...ing badge!”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Thu May 16, 2019 5:21 pm

I just called my local Chinese restaurant and ordered a 34 and 23.

I asked the guy “do you do takeaway?”

He replied “11”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Thu May 16, 2019 8:22 pm

Hammer.CA wrote:I just called my local Chinese restaurant and ordered a 34 and 23.

I asked the guy “do you do takeaway?”

He replied “11”

Took me a while but :lol:


Transgender weightlifter Mary Gregory has vowed to come back after being stripped of 4 titles.

When asked to comment, the athlete stated "I just need more work done on my snatch".

Image

Mary Gregory
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Fri May 17, 2019 12:18 am

A man is driving through the countryside when he catches sight of something highly unusual, it’s a three legged chicken and it’s running faster than the car! Intrigued, the man puts pedal to the metal and chases the chicken. Eventually, just as it’s about to disappear over the horizon, he traces the chicken to a farm.
The man gets out of his car, scratching his head, there are other animals around but no chickens and certainly not one with three legs.
At length, the farmer notices the man and asks if he can help at all.
“This will sound strange,” says the man, “but I swear I just saw a chicken with three legs run around here.”
“Oh yar,” says the farmer. “Well, Oi breed ‘em that way, see. Cos when it comes to Sunday dinner, Oi likes a leg, and me wife likes a leg, and me son, he also likes a leg.”
“Fascinating,” says the man. “What do they taste like?”
“I dunno,” says the farmer, “Oi’ve never caught one!”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Sat May 18, 2019 11:50 am

Phoned the wife from work.
I asked her. "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you, and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding very puzzled, she replied “No”
I said to her “How about now ...?"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby dodgy dave on Tue May 21, 2019 4:23 pm

Jamie Oliver's restaurants go into adminestrone
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Wed May 22, 2019 8:26 am

I went to the doctor and said "I've got a problem inside of my left ear"
He said "Are you sure?"
I said "I'm definite"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby chelmsfordhammer91 on Wed May 22, 2019 9:19 am

Hammer.CA wrote:I went to the doctor and said "I've got a problem inside of my left ear"
He said "Are you sure?"
I said "I'm definite"


That took me a lot longer than it should to get! :oops:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Haarlemammer on Wed May 22, 2019 8:52 pm

My uncle Terry has gone mad and thinks he’s a chocolate orange.
I’m thinking of having him sectioned.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby OooohChristianDailly on Thu May 23, 2019 4:30 pm

Post removed by moderator. This is the crap joke thread, not the sick joke thread.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Monkeybubbles on Thu May 23, 2019 5:33 pm

Haarlemammer wrote:My uncle Terry has gone mad and thinks he’s a chocolate orange.
I’m thinking of having him sectioned.


Samba! Samba!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby OooohChristianDailly on Fri May 24, 2019 9:08 am

Post removed by moderator. This is the crap joke thread, not the sick joke thread.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Sat May 25, 2019 12:52 am

Two dogs walking down the road.

One turned to the other and said "Do you use protection when you make love?"

The other said "Durex" to which the first said "No, I asked you first".
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Sat May 25, 2019 11:15 am

dodgy dave wrote:Jamie Oliver's restaurants go into adminestrone


He should have called Gordon Ramsey in as he has a whole show dealing with failing restaurants.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby bristolhammerfc on Sat May 25, 2019 8:43 pm

My mate told me to mind the step. I still fell.

He was happy though as I left him a great review on Trip Adviser....
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Cuenca 'ammer on Sat May 25, 2019 9:09 pm

^^^^^^^

:D


nicked that and forwarded it ....

:thup:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby BalaamBoy on Tue May 28, 2019 11:46 am

Hammer.CA wrote:A man is driving through the countryside when he catches sight of something highly unusual, it’s a three legged chicken and it’s running faster than the car! Intrigued, the man puts pedal to the metal and chases the chicken. Eventually, just as it’s about to disappear over the horizon, he traces the chicken to a farm.
The man gets out of his car, scratching his head, there are other animals around but no chickens and certainly not one with three legs.
At length, the farmer notices the man and asks if he can help at all.
“This will sound strange,” says the man, “but I swear I just saw a chicken with three legs run around here.”
“Oh yar,” says the farmer. “Well, Oi breed ‘em that way, see. Cos when it comes to Sunday dinner, Oi likes a leg, and me wife likes a leg, and me son, he also likes a leg.”
“Fascinating,” says the man. “What do they taste like?”
“I dunno,” says the farmer, “Oi’ve never caught one!”


Thank you, one of Ken Dodd's finest, especially with the actions . . . :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Tue May 28, 2019 8:03 pm

Why is Mickey Mouse's helicopter no use in Scotland?

Disneyland.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Tue May 28, 2019 9:22 pm

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Rocketron on Wed May 29, 2019 6:33 pm

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina.
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