The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Monkeybubbles on Thu Dec 28, 2017 11:36 pm

Why was Henry VIII’s wife covered in tooth marks?

Because he’s Tudor.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby jevs on Fri Dec 29, 2017 11:28 am

A man had to have the ends of both feet amputated. Soon after the operation he sadly died. Turns out he was lack toes intolerant.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Fri Dec 29, 2017 12:58 pm

Why was the pole vaulter buried at the top of the hill?

Because he was dead.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Fri Dec 29, 2017 3:42 pm

I got the world's worst Thesaurus for Christmas.

Not only is it rubbish, it's rubbish.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby pablo jaye on Fri Dec 29, 2017 7:55 pm

OFT ... brilliant!!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Monkeybubbles on Fri Dec 29, 2017 8:14 pm

OFT wrote:Jokes about sugar are rare.
Jokes about brown sugar
Demerara


Tarte Encore wrote:There's quite a few jokes doing the rounds about white sugar but ones about brown sugar..... Demerara.


:shock:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby OFT on Fri Dec 29, 2017 9:24 pm

Fri Feb 26, 2016

Tarte Encore...is that You MB, what with you being a performer n'evrfin?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Sat Dec 30, 2017 8:01 pm

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" She said "it was absolutely incredible, and it is our anniversary tomorrow."

"F&ck it" I thought. I'll treat her.

So I walked her past it again.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby OFT on Sun Dec 31, 2017 11:36 am

The grand-kids are round for Christmas.
They keep laughing at my Altzeimers.
They won't be laughing on Christmas Day when I don't leave any chocolate eggs under the bonfire.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Sun Dec 31, 2017 10:02 pm

Sauce! wrote:My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" She said "it was absolutely incredible, and it is our anniversary tomorrow."

"F&ck it" I thought. I'll treat her.

So I walked her past it again.


:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Tarte Encore on Mon Jan 01, 2018 2:50 pm

OFT wrote:Fri Feb 26, 2016

Tarte Encore...is that You MB, what with you being a performer n'evrfin?


Nah....I'm a member in my own right.....so.....like OFT but with original material. :wink:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby OFT on Mon Jan 01, 2018 3:28 pm

Tarte Encore wrote:
Nah....I'm a member in my own right.....so.....like OFT but with original material.


Image

Well, they do say imitation is the greatest form of flattery :wink:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby hudds town hammer on Mon Jan 01, 2018 4:24 pm

today is officially the warmest day of the year so far
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby orbital on Tue Jan 02, 2018 12:09 pm

The wife said my cock reminded her of a supermarket.

I said "because it's well stocked and supplies your every need?"

She replied "No because its Lidl"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby orbital on Tue Jan 02, 2018 12:10 pm

I got a Monopoly set for Christmas without any instructions.

What are the chances?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby orbital on Tue Jan 02, 2018 12:11 pm

My Mrs complained that I'm always trying to be someone I'm not.

I'm wondering how the f*ck she got into the Batcave.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Tue Jan 02, 2018 1:01 pm

Why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell someone that he was a vegan.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

So he wouldn’t have to listen to the vegan.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Wed Jan 03, 2018 9:56 am

I'm in hospital. I ate what I thought was an onion, but it was a daffodil bulb.

Doctors reckon I will be out in the Spring
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Fri Jan 05, 2018 11:01 am

What do the film 'Sixth Sense' & the Titanic have in common?

Icy dead people.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Fri Jan 05, 2018 11:54 am

The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope.
Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say.
He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns.
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" Grumpy asks.
"No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall," smiles the Pope.
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason," replies Grumpy.
"But you're positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?"
"I'm sure, my vertically-challenged son," says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity.
"Okay," moans Grumpy.
So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building.
"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarves.
Grumpy mutters, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy f&ck£d a penguin! Grumpy f&ck£d a penguin!"
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