The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Fri Jan 05, 2018 3:15 pm

PSML :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Fri Jan 05, 2018 3:19 pm

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs. Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each other's shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window. It was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this as echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc.

Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.

Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line.

Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.

Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" And from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Fri Jan 05, 2018 6:02 pm

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, you remember when you said you heard someone coming?”

“Yes. So what?”

“That was me.“ :oops:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:13 pm

Just back from the Doctors.
"I've stated eating my feather pillows in my sleep and I'm really starting to get depressed" I told him.
"Down in the dumps?" He asked
"I don't know" I replied "I haven't been to the toilet since!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Thu Jan 11, 2018 8:05 pm

I was blessed with a nine inch penis.

The priest responsible is now in jail.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Monkeybubbles on Thu Jan 11, 2018 10:07 pm

What does Morrissey like on his toast?

I don't know, but Johnny Marr might.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby pablo jaye on Thu Jan 11, 2018 10:52 pm

^^^^ :D

Good one MB!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Sat Jan 13, 2018 1:27 pm

My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I gave her some superglue instead.

She’s still not talking to me!

===============================================================================

I recently watched my wedding video backwards.

I love it when I take the ring off her finger, leave the church and go drinking with my friends.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Sat Jan 13, 2018 1:42 pm

An unknown assailant broke into the Celebrity Big Brother house yesterday and killed all the housemates.

The victims have not yet been identified.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Monkeybubbles on Tue Jan 16, 2018 4:03 pm

A little old lady in the bank today asked if I knew how she could check her balance. So I kicked her stick away.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Tue Jan 16, 2018 11:05 pm

I’m not surprised Carillion have folded.
They done Kayleigh in the 80’s but not a lot since.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby only1post on Wed Jan 17, 2018 12:49 pm

Don't mean to be a cold Fish on this joke, but Carillion was not founded until the 90's.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Wed Jan 17, 2018 2:52 pm

only1post wrote:Don't mean to be a cold Fish on this joke, but Carillion was not founded until the 90's.



You’re clutching at straws there mate.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Wed Jan 17, 2018 4:49 pm

My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried?

Apparently "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she was expecting.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Wed Jan 17, 2018 5:15 pm

I had a super w@nk the other day.

It was just like a regular w@nk but I was wearing a cape.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Samba on Wed Jan 17, 2018 10:35 pm

How do you spot a blind man in a nudist camp?








It's not hard.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Wed Jan 17, 2018 10:40 pm

My wife and were getting ready to go out and she asked, "Does my bum look big in this?" I replied "Yes, but to be fair, it is a small bathroom".
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Fri Jan 19, 2018 12:06 pm

My gambling addiction cost me my marriage...

or as I like to think of it, won me a divorce.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Sun Jan 21, 2018 12:16 pm

If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over them and say "7 up is Lemonade".
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Sun Jan 21, 2018 1:18 pm

"Everyone has a book in them" ...

Yes, it was a weird day at A&E
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