The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[OFT]

Can't remember seeing this one, or much else to be honest, but I'm sure if it's been on before Monkeybubbs will remember

Elvis Presley drags himself out of the swimming pool for the umpteenth time in the day,
Whatever's the matter with you? asked Priscilla.
I can't help falling in, love, He replied

[Monkeybubbles]

You can post that one as many times as you like, it's genius.

[cambridge hammer]

Can't remember seeing this one, or much else to be honest, but I'm sure if it's been on before Monkeybubbs will remember

Elvis Presley drags himself out of the swimming pool for the umpteenth time in the day,
Whatever's the matter with you? asked Priscilla.
I can't help falling in, love, He replied

Top man! and for those who haven't heard it for a while,, my friends pet mouse ,Elvis died recently. He was caught in a trap.

[Sauce!]

It’s kind of ironic that after Elvis had so many number ones he died while having a number two.

[The Difference]

Driving home the other night with the wife and we ran over a badger.
We got out and it was still breathing, but shivering cold.
I said "put it between your legs to warm it up"
Wife replied "but its wet and it stinks"
I said "well hold its ****ing nose then"

[York Ham(mer)]

Battling with Sky who are trying to charge me for my satellite dish. Well they told me it would be on the house.

[devonshire flu]

A couple are on a cruise ship that's returning to Southampton. They have been picking up exotic pets on their travels, and they now need to smuggle the pets through customs.

"I've figured out how to smuggle the bird of paradise in, darling", says the bloke. "We give it a sleeping pill in the morning, and you wear it through customs as a feather hat. They'll never notice".

"OK" says the wife, "but what about the python?"

"Same idea" says the bloke, "Sleeping pill, you tie the snake round your waist, it looks just like a snakeskin belt. They'll never notice."

"That works for me" says the wife, "but what about the skunk?"

"OK, this is tricky" says the bloke, "The only thing I can think of is: we give it a sleeping pill and you stuff it down your knickers. You'll be walking a bit bandy-legged through customs, and with a bit of luck, they'll never notice."

"But what about the smell?" asks the wife.

"Look, darling. If it dies, it dies."

[-DL-]

A bloke walks into a bank in London and asks for the loan officer. He tells him he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and that he needs to borrow £5000.

The loan officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Singh hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which is worth a quarter of a million pounds.

“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the bloke, “and I have all the necessary papers.”

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as security for the loan.

After the bloke leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as security against a £5,000 loan.

With the loan all done and dusted, one of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's top security underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the bloke returns, and repays the £5000 and the interest, which comes to £24.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

The man replies, "Where else in London can I park my £250k car with impenetrable security for only £24.41 for an entire fortnight?"

[ageing hammer]

[Dover KUMB fan]

RIP Ingvar Kamprad founder of IKEA.

So that will be a Flat pack coffin with bits missing and instructions written in Swedish

[Bamber Gascoigne]

Just bought some of that new "Lesbian" range of flat pack furniture.

No screws - its all tongue and groove..........

[Bamber Gascoigne]

Many years ago as I entered a restaurant I heard screaming and shouting and saw a man in distress.

"HeIp him" cried a young lady "he is choking on a piece of German sausage".

I rushed over and performed the heimlich manoeuvre upon him causing him to shoot the offending piece of food out across the room. The guy slunk forward and then took in a deep breath and we knew all was well.

Everyone applauded and told me that I had saved the mans life.

The chap pulled himself to his feet and turned to thank me. Oh my God, I couldn't believe it - it was none other than the famous musician, singer, songwriter, record producer, and actor Meatloaf!

He looked at me, threw back his long head of hair and bellowed.........

"You took the wurst right out of my mouth"

[Chicken Run Supreme]

Think I've just been scammed by text.
Message said congratulations you've just one £250 or two tickets all expenses paid, to see an Elvis Presley Tribute Show.
Text 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

[Dover KUMB fan]

CRS, that is awful....but I'm nicking it

[Mega Ron]

Think I've just been scammed by text.
Message said congratulations you've just one £250 or two tickets all expenses paid, to see an Elvis Presley Tribute Show.
Text 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

That is good

[vietnammer]

What did the big football books sing to the little football book?

"You're supposed to be a tome"




(I made that up. Is it any good?)

[Tenbury]

Can the entire population of the World speak fluent English now?

[OFT]

Here's one I nicked earlier:

I said to the doctor," there's something wrong with my ears"
He asked, What are the symptoms?
I replied, "they're a yellow cartoon family on the tv."

[Ferret]

Backed a horse yesterday called "Cold Tap"

think its still running...

[Monkeybubbles]

What did the big football books sing to the little football book?

"You're supposed to be a tome"




(I made that up. Is it any good?)

Ha ha ha ha hahahahahahahah.


No.