The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Anything goes in The Snug, the GD's rebellious little brother. An off-topic den of iniquity for non-football/news related musings.

Moderators: bristolhammerfc, sicknote, -DL-, Rio, Gnome, chalks, the pink palermo

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Burningaham on Sat Apr 14, 2018 1:43 pm

Got an email this morning saying “bored housewife, 32, looking for some action”

So I’ve sent her two bags of washing and an iron.
User avatar
Burningaham
 
Posts: 2447
Joined: Fri May 06, 2005 1:13 pm
Location: Mr Malcontent.

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Sat Apr 14, 2018 7:49 pm

:D
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 17622
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Cuenca 'ammer on Sat Apr 14, 2018 8:38 pm

brilliant....

made me LOL out loud....

:lol:
User avatar
Cuenca 'ammer
ex 'ouston 'ammer
 
Posts: 24304
Joined: Thu Dec 05, 2002 5:19 pm
Location: Journey to the dead of night. High on a hill in Eldorado

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby cambridge hammer on Sat Apr 14, 2018 10:05 pm

Off to France tomorrow for the world ruler twanging on the edge of the desk competition. It's held annually.
In the Dordogne. :raver:
cambridge hammer
 
Posts: 460
Joined: Fri Aug 19, 2005 4:59 pm
Location: cambridge

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Skandi Brudson on Sun Apr 15, 2018 12:03 am

cambridge hammer wrote:Off to France tomorrow for the world ruler twanging on the edge of the desk competition. It's held annually.
In the Dordogne. :raver:


Now that is a non-racist crap joke!

Bravo.
User avatar
Skandi Brudson
 
Posts: 442
Joined: Mon Feb 15, 2010 4:41 pm
Location: Lurksville

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Burningaham on Sun Apr 15, 2018 12:58 pm

The wife just asked for some peace and quite while she cooks the dinner, so I ve taken the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
User avatar
Burningaham
 
Posts: 2447
Joined: Fri May 06, 2005 1:13 pm
Location: Mr Malcontent.

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Sun Apr 15, 2018 1:35 pm

Burningham pardon the pun but your on fire :D
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 17622
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Burningaham on Sun Apr 15, 2018 5:13 pm

ageing hammer wrote:Burningham pardon the pun but your on fire :D


Thanks mate, but she’s quite upset. She asked for something black and Lacey for her birthday, but apparently puma football boots weren’t the right thing.
User avatar
Burningaham
 
Posts: 2447
Joined: Fri May 06, 2005 1:13 pm
Location: Mr Malcontent.

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby DasNutNock on Sun Apr 15, 2018 5:42 pm

Burningaham wrote:Thanks mate, but she’s quite upset. She asked for something black and Lacey for her birthday, but apparently puma football boots weren’t the right thing.


Clearly wanted some 82 Copa Mundials.
User avatar
DasNutNock
 
Posts: 7956
Joined: Sat Sep 17, 2016 4:41 pm
Location: R Tape loading error, 0:1

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Sun Apr 15, 2018 6:17 pm

ageing hammer wrote:
Burningaham wrote:
Thanks mate, but she’s quite upset. She asked for something black and Lacey for her birthday, but apparently puma football boots weren’t the right thing.


She thinks you're a stud :wink:
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 17622
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby -DL- on Sun Apr 15, 2018 6:37 pm

Apparantly the dumbest animal in the jungle is the polar bear.
User avatar
-DL-
Match thread guru
 
Posts: 18246
Joined: Fri Dec 05, 2008 8:43 am
Location: Biting my tongue so hard it's starting to bleed.

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby kayahammer on Tue Apr 17, 2018 2:45 am

The wife handed me an egg and told me to beat it.

I'm on my fourth pint in the local and still can't work out why she gave me the f'in egg.
User avatar
kayahammer
 
Posts: 5789
Joined: Wed Feb 16, 2011 6:59 am
Location: East of Eden

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Burningaham on Wed Apr 18, 2018 11:49 am

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.
Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
‘Be-Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’

Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’

‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub’
User avatar
Burningaham
 
Posts: 2447
Joined: Fri May 06, 2005 1:13 pm
Location: Mr Malcontent.

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Wed Apr 18, 2018 12:55 pm

Burningaham wrote:Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.
Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
‘Be-Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’

Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’

‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub’


****ing hell that's your best one yet :D
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 17622
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Wed Apr 18, 2018 3:34 pm

Our dog ate all our scrabble tiles.

For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 17622
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Wed Apr 18, 2018 3:36 pm

There's a new restaurant in our town called Karma.

There's no menu, you get what you deserve.
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 17622
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Wed Apr 18, 2018 3:44 pm

Why did the chicken go to the seance.


To get to the other side.
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 17622
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Wed Apr 18, 2018 6:03 pm

George had lived alone in the woods all of his life. There was no one to have sex with him, so instead he used any holes he found in the side of a tree.

Until one day, when he spotted a woman walking alone in the woods and George went over and started to tell her his life story.

"My God" she exclaimed when George explained how he satisfied himself. "We can't have that" she said as she undressed "George, have your way with me".

George felt her amazing breasts. He kissed her neck as she grabbed his manhood and told him to fulfill his dreams and fantasies.

At which point George stepped back, slapped her stomach forcefully and then drop kicked her in the crutch.

"What the F. ......" she cried.

"Sorry Love" said George "I forgot myself for a minute and was checking for Squirrels.”
User avatar
Bamber Gascoigne
 
Posts: 3937
Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2003 7:12 pm
Location: 51° 31′ 55″ N, 0° 2′ 22″ E

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby jevs on Sat Apr 21, 2018 7:26 am

A man gets approached by a beautiful lady in Tesco and says he

“Yes I think you’re the father of one of my children” she replies.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infedility and sheepishly responds “Bloody hell are you the bird I had kinky sex with on my stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and tied me up?”

“No” she replies, “I’m your daughter’s English teacher!”
User avatar
jevs
 
Posts: 7861
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2004 7:15 pm
Location: Lewes, East Sussex

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby badgermax on Sat Apr 21, 2018 8:03 am

A lamb, a drum and a snake all fall off a cliff...

Ba Dum Tss
badgermax
 
Posts: 781
Joined: Sun Jan 09, 2011 10:20 pm

PreviousNext

Return to The Snug

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Hindley Hammer and 6 guests