The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[Burningaham]

Got an email this morning saying “bored housewife, 32, looking for some action”

So I’ve sent her two bags of washing and an iron.

[ageing hammer]

[Cuenca 'ammer]

brilliant....

made me LOL out loud....

[cambridge hammer]

Off to France tomorrow for the world ruler twanging on the edge of the desk competition. It's held annually.
In the Dordogne.

[Skandi Brudson]

Off to France tomorrow for the world ruler twanging on the edge of the desk competition. It's held annually.
In the Dordogne.

Now that is a non-racist crap joke!

Bravo.

[Burningaham]

The wife just asked for some peace and quite while she cooks the dinner, so I ve taken the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

[ageing hammer]

Burningham pardon the pun but your on fire

[Burningaham]

Burningham pardon the pun but your on fire

Thanks mate, but she’s quite upset. She asked for something black and Lacey for her birthday, but apparently puma football boots weren’t the right thing.

[DasNutNock]

Thanks mate, but she’s quite upset. She asked for something black and Lacey for her birthday, but apparently puma football boots weren’t the right thing.

Clearly wanted some 82 Copa Mundials.

[ageing hammer]

Thanks mate, but she’s quite upset. She asked for something black and Lacey for her birthday, but apparently puma football boots weren’t the right thing.

She thinks you're a stud

[-DL-]

Apparantly the dumbest animal in the jungle is the polar bear.

[kayahammer]

The wife handed me an egg and told me to beat it.

I'm on my fourth pint in the local and still can't work out why she gave me the f'in egg.

[Burningaham]

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.
Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
‘Be-Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’

Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’

‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub’

[ageing hammer]

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.
Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
‘Be-Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’

Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’

‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub’

****ing hell that's your best one yet

[ageing hammer]

Our dog ate all our scrabble tiles.

For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

[ageing hammer]

There's a new restaurant in our town called Karma.

There's no menu, you get what you deserve.

[ageing hammer]

Why did the chicken go to the seance.


To get to the other side.

[Bamber Gascoigne]

George had lived alone in the woods all of his life. There was no one to have sex with him, so instead he used any holes he found in the side of a tree.

Until one day, when he spotted a woman walking alone in the woods and George went over and started to tell her his life story.

"My God" she exclaimed when George explained how he satisfied himself. "We can't have that" she said as she undressed "George, have your way with me".

George felt her amazing breasts. He kissed her neck as she grabbed his manhood and told him to fulfill his dreams and fantasies.

At which point George stepped back, slapped her stomach forcefully and then drop kicked her in the crutch.

"What the F. ......" she cried.

"Sorry Love" said George "I forgot myself for a minute and was checking for Squirrels.”

[jevs]

A man gets approached by a beautiful lady in Tesco and says he

“Yes I think you’re the father of one of my children” she replies.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infedility and sheepishly responds “Bloody hell are you the bird I had kinky sex with on my stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and tied me up?”

“No” she replies, “I’m your daughter’s English teacher!”

[badgermax]

A lamb, a drum and a snake all fall off a cliff...

Ba Dum Tss