The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[Westcliffspur]

Last night outside my local Costcutters I was asked by a group of teenagers if I would get them 20 Richmonds. I know I shouldn't of but reluctantly I agreed and got them. I handed them over and you should have heard the aggressive abuse they then gave me. So I told them "Next time get your own ****ing sausages."

[Westcliffspur]

Really don't understand my wife. Last night she said she had no problem with me having a tattoo and yet tonight she`s complaining about all the noise the bagpipers are making in the garden.

[Sauce!]

"Don't get upset," said the doctor. "Premature ejaculation can be distressing, but it's easily treated nowadays."

"I'm not upset," I replied, "but I still need that tissue."

[Greatest Cockney Rip Off]

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quivering' a little."

[Sauce!]

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbours dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had
enough of this".
He goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says,
"The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"
Paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard . Fookin'
see how THEY like it !"

[vietnammer]

/\ doesn't have to be Irish does it? Thought all that was disappearing now.

Quality though :lol:

[WHU_Del]

Took the missus out for some tea and biscuits.
She wasn't keen about having to give blood first though...

[Greatest Cockney Rip Off]

Both Cream and The Jam were going to reunite for a series of gigs in the Devon and Cornwall area, but the venues couldn't agree about who should go on first. 

[Westcliffspur]

When I arrived home last night my wife was sat opposite me with her legs wide open.

I said to her, "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"

"Oh, yes!" she replied with a little smile.

I said, "Thank f*** for that. I thought the sofa had burst!"

[ageing hammer]

[Sauce!]

"I'm sorry, " said the doctor when my wife had her scan, "your child will be slow in development and may well grow up to have criminal tendencies. "

"Is there anything we can do? " We both asked.

"Yes, " replied the doctor, "move away from Liverpool. "

[Cuenca 'ammer]

In a convent in Ireland, the 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly. She

was dying. The Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her
and trying to make her last journey comfortable. They wanted to give her
warm milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to
the kitchen.

Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift
the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the
warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they lifted her head gently and held the
glass to her lips. The very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and
before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to
have one last talk with their spiritual leader. "Mother," the nuns asked
earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them
and said,













"DON'T SELL THAT COW . . ."

[Monkeybubbles]

One-armed waiters: they can take it but they can't dish it out.

[S-H]

One-armed waiters: they can take it but they can't dish it out.

Very good.

[uptonparkhurst]

Both Cream and The Jam were going to reunite for a series of gigs in the Devon and Cornwall area, but the venues couldn't agree about who should go on first. 

I heard about that.
Luckily, The Rolling Scones were able to do the gigs.

[DM]

Supported by Hermans Crumpets

[Bamber Gascoigne]

Supported by Hermans Crumpets

Martha & The Muffins surely?

I suppose CakeThat would probably turn up and do a version of 'In the Gateau'...

[Hammer.CA]

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the Farmer drove up and said, "Sorry Paddy but I have some bad news, the donkey has died."
Paddy replied, "Well then just give me my money back"
The farmer said, " I can't do that. I've already spent it."
Paddy said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"
Paddy said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle a dead donkey!"
Paddy said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Paddy said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898!"
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Paddy said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back."

Paddy now works for the Government .

[Puff Daddy]

Another nuns and convent joke.

A group of newly to be ordained nuns join a convent and just as they were about to bed down for the night, the mother superior tells then. Right, the rules here are lights out at 8:00 o'clock, candles out at 9:00 o'clock

[vietnammer]

Vicar and Nun on a stormy drive. Lightning, and Satan appears. Vicar says "Get out and show him your cross":
Nun gets out and yells FECK OFF!