The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Monkeybubbles on Mon Jul 10, 2017 10:44 pm

My friend has a small man complex and he makes everyone there dress like Oompa Loompas.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Tue Jul 11, 2017 8:43 am

On being asked how Wayne Rooney's departure from Old Trafford would affect the other players Jose Mourinho replied,

"It will be very positive for them. They can now bring their mothers and grandmothers to the games. "
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby claretandblue82 on Wed Jul 12, 2017 5:20 pm

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can find a solution in silence.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby claretandblue82 on Wed Jul 12, 2017 5:25 pm

My girlfriends dog just died so I got her an identical one.

Now she's got two dead dogs.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby claretandblue82 on Wed Jul 12, 2017 6:40 pm

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog because he shuts up after you let him in.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby cambridge hammer on Wed Jul 12, 2017 7:16 pm

Judy Murray has reacted angrily at suggestions she shows favouritism towards one of her sons .
"What rubbish"she replied " I treat both Andy and old whatshisface exactly the same.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Wed Jul 12, 2017 7:43 pm

A sign above the door where I work says, "Once you go black you never come back".

You've got to have a sense of humour in the crematorium
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Mon Jul 17, 2017 10:41 am

Ive been thinking of selling my John Lennon memorabillia on Ebay. Imagine all the Paypal...
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Mon Jul 17, 2017 10:51 am

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Thu Jul 20, 2017 10:43 am

A bloke went to his doctor with an issue with his penis.

After examining him the doc diagnosed that he had the clap.

He said to the doctor " but that's impossible doctor I have not been with a women in years "

The doctor said " don't make any difference it's still the clap, do you masturbate? "

The bloke replied " well yes I do "

The doc asked " Fast or slow "

Bloke says " Slow "

The doctor says " there you have it, slow hand clap "
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Thu Jul 20, 2017 12:32 pm

The missus was clearing out some old clothes the other day.
She came running into the lounge and shouted "Look! I found an old pair of crotchless knickers in the drawer!.... And they fit me!!"

I didnt have the heart to tell her it was one of my old vests.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby OFT on Thu Jul 20, 2017 8:40 pm

Some time ago Elvis Costello swapped a tyre for a box of chocolates.
That was a Goodyear for the Roses
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby pablo jaye on Thu Jul 20, 2017 9:10 pm

^^ :D

Did he then take it to the garage .... To Pump It Up??
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Thu Jul 20, 2017 10:32 pm

Accidents Will Happen
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Thu Jul 20, 2017 10:44 pm

Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:Accidents Will Happen


Said the hedgehog to the scrubbing brush :)
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hugh Jargon II on Fri Jul 21, 2017 6:45 pm

I know two Mexican fireman who are twins.

Hose A and Hose B

Que?
Last edited by Hugh Jargon II on Fri Jul 21, 2017 8:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby samanthadog on Fri Jul 21, 2017 7:34 pm

Two builders on site.
One suddenly turns around and stamps on something.
What are you doing?
It was a snail
Why did you do that?
It's been following me around all day.

(Sorry builders!!!!)
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby cambridge hammer on Sat Jul 22, 2017 5:45 pm

Took my blow up doll back to the sex shop because it kept going down on me.
The man behind the counter said he didn't realise it did that and charged me an extra 20 quid 8-)
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby OFT on Sat Jul 22, 2017 7:37 pm

There's some bastads selling on e-bay, a friend of mine paid 80 quid for a penis enlarger, it arrived in a plain wrapper with the only instruction 'do no use in direct sunlight'. when he opened it it was a magnifying glass
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby badgermax on Sat Jul 22, 2017 10:50 pm

So the new Doctor Who is a woman. I bet she'll keep bringing up the past.
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