The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Moderators: Gnome, last.caress, Wilko1304, Rio, bristolhammerfc, the pink palermo, chalks
- -DL-
- Bag Man
- Posts: 30097
- Joined: Fri Dec 05, 2008 7:43 am
- Has liked: 837 likes
- Total likes: 4952 likes
- Contact:
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
There was a young man called Kane
whose ankle was worse than a sprain
despite all of his good touches
he ended up on crutches
and his team won nothing again
whose ankle was worse than a sprain
despite all of his good touches
he ended up on crutches
and his team won nothing again
- ereford ammer
- Posts: 2653
- Joined: Thu Feb 22, 2007 7:21 pm
- Location: At the next level with all the malcontents
- Has liked: 25 likes
- Total likes: 2 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
-DL- wrote:There was a young man called Kane
whose ankle was worse than a sprain
despite all of his good touches
he ended up on crutches
and his team won nothing again
- Dover KUMB fan
- Posts: 3242
- Joined: Fri Nov 27, 2009 8:33 am
- Total likes: 42 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Chatting to girl at a party, I asked her what do your friends call you?
“Vivaldi” she replied
“Ahh I see, bit of a violin player then?”
She said “Naaah, my names Viv & I work in Aldi”
“Vivaldi” she replied
“Ahh I see, bit of a violin player then?”
She said “Naaah, my names Viv & I work in Aldi”
- Greatest Cockney Rip Off
- Posts: 19295
- Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 12:29 am
- Location: The oil drum in the Garden of England
- Has liked: 338 likes
- Total likes: 728 likes
- Contact:
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
The people on my estate have terrible teeth.
Someone smiled at me yesterday and the Aldi scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.
Someone smiled at me yesterday and the Aldi scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.
Online
- Chicken Run Supreme
- Posts: 14863
- Joined: Fri Jul 09, 2010 8:58 am
- Location: Exiled in Angus
- Has liked: 854 likes
- Total likes: 823 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
In the cemetery I saw 4 men carrying a coffin and 2 hours later I saw the same 4 men carrying the same coffin around. I thought to myself, they've lost the ****ing plot they have.
- -DL-
- Bag Man
- Posts: 30097
- Joined: Fri Dec 05, 2008 7:43 am
- Has liked: 837 likes
- Total likes: 4952 likes
- Contact:
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A man who lost his ears in a freak accident has had a ground breaking operation of having two replacement ears grafted on that are made from pig skin.
A hospital spokesperson said that the operation was a success and that the man can hear, though he's experiencing a bit of crackling.
A hospital spokesperson said that the operation was a success and that the man can hear, though he's experiencing a bit of crackling.
- ageing hammer
- Posts: 25445
- Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
- Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
- Has liked: 484 likes
- Total likes: 1475 likes
- ageing hammer
- Posts: 25445
- Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
- Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
- Has liked: 484 likes
- Total likes: 1475 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the pilots turns to the other and
says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die' !!
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the pilots turns to the other and
says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die' !!
Last edited by ageing hammer on Sun Jan 20, 2019 6:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
- pablo jaye
- Posts: 11223
- Joined: Fri Mar 11, 2005 6:08 pm
- Location: Somewhere massive!
- Has liked: 2563 likes
- Total likes: 924 likes
- -DL-
- Bag Man
- Posts: 30097
- Joined: Fri Dec 05, 2008 7:43 am
- Has liked: 837 likes
- Total likes: 4952 likes
- Contact:
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A couple of random facts:
1) Piranhas can devour a small child down to the bone in 30 seconds.
2) I lost my job at the aquarium today.
1) Piranhas can devour a small child down to the bone in 30 seconds.
2) I lost my job at the aquarium today.
- Paddy O'Hammer
- Posts: 11132
- Joined: Wed May 23, 2007 10:57 am
- Location: Dublin, Ireland
- Has liked: 508 likes
- Total likes: 162 likes
- Contact:
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess."
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess."
- Monkeybubbles
- Posts: 13800
- Joined: Sun Feb 02, 2014 11:00 am
- Location: Rumble, Brighton, Tonight.
- Has liked: 485 likes
- Total likes: 1953 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
August 2017
jevs wrote:While riding my motorcycle, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my motorbike, I guess."
- Samba
- Posts: 21811
- Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:36 pm
- Location: David Sullivan's least favourite fluffer.
- Has liked: 2484 likes
- Total likes: 895 likes
- Paddy O'Hammer
- Posts: 11132
- Joined: Wed May 23, 2007 10:57 am
- Location: Dublin, Ireland
- Has liked: 508 likes
- Total likes: 162 likes
- Contact:
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I normally go back 4 or 5 pages before I post....that's some memoryMonkeybubbles wrote:August 2017
- Greatest Cockney Rip Off
- Posts: 19295
- Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 12:29 am
- Location: The oil drum in the Garden of England
- Has liked: 338 likes
- Total likes: 728 likes
- Contact:
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
This morning I dug something out of my wardrobe that I haven't worn for at least 5 years. Tried it, and it fits perfectly!
So proud of myself.
OK so it's a scarf, but still. I'm calling it a win.
So proud of myself.
OK so it's a scarf, but still. I'm calling it a win.
- Haarlemammer
- Posts: 973
- Joined: Wed May 27, 2015 3:44 pm
- Location: Singapore
- Has liked: 368 likes
- Total likes: 62 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Andy Murray wants to end his career at Wimbledon this year.
Looks like Andy Carroll pipped him at the post
Looks like Andy Carroll pipped him at the post
- ageing hammer
- Posts: 25445
- Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
- Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
- Has liked: 484 likes
- Total likes: 1475 likes
-
- Posts: 846
- Joined: Thu Aug 29, 2013 9:12 pm
- Has liked: 10 likes
- Total likes: 71 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Katie Price reveals on This Morning:'she's adopting a Nigerian orphan'.
Apparently, the child has a large amount of unclaimed money and gold which he cannot access directly.
Apparently, the child has a large amount of unclaimed money and gold which he cannot access directly.
-
- Posts: 846
- Joined: Thu Aug 29, 2013 9:12 pm
- Has liked: 10 likes
- Total likes: 71 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
One of my mates found a lump and then had one of his testicles removed.
That's how serious he is about his mashed potato.
That's how serious he is about his mashed potato.