The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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-DL-
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by -DL- »

There was a young man called Kane
whose ankle was worse than a sprain
despite all of his good touches
he ended up on crutches
and his team won nothing again
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ereford ammer »

-DL- wrote:There was a young man called Kane
whose ankle was worse than a sprain
despite all of his good touches
he ended up on crutches
and his team won nothing again
:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

Chatting to girl at a party, I asked her what do your friends call you?
“Vivaldi” she replied
“Ahh I see, bit of a violin player then?”
She said “Naaah, my names Viv & I work in Aldi”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

The people on my estate have terrible teeth.

Someone smiled at me yesterday and the Aldi scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Chicken Run Supreme »

In the cemetery I saw 4 men carrying a coffin and 2 hours later I saw the same 4 men carrying the same coffin around. I thought to myself, they've lost the ****ing plot they have.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by -DL- »

A man who lost his ears in a freak accident has had a ground breaking operation of having two replacement ears grafted on that are made from pig skin.

A hospital spokesperson said that the operation was a success and that the man can hear, though he's experiencing a bit of crackling.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the pilots turns to the other and
says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die' !!
Last edited by ageing hammer on Sun Jan 20, 2019 6:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

Aging, DL and CRS .... v good :thup:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by -DL- »

A couple of random facts:

1) Piranhas can devour a small child down to the bone in 30 seconds.

2) I lost my job at the aquarium today.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Paddy O'Hammer »

While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

August 2017
jevs wrote:While riding my motorcycle, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my motorbike, I guess."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Samba »

And you thought that Rainman's memory was good...
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Paddy O'Hammer »

Monkeybubbles wrote:August 2017
I normally go back 4 or 5 pages before I post....that's some memory :scarfer:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

This morning I dug something out of my wardrobe that I haven't worn for at least 5 years. Tried it, and it fits perfectly!

So proud of myself.

OK so it's a scarf, but still. I'm calling it a win.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

How do you keep a bunch of internet nerds in suspense?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Haarlemammer »

Andy Murray wants to end his career at Wimbledon this year.
Looks like Andy Carroll pipped him at the post
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

:thup: :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Westcliffspur »

Katie Price reveals on This Morning:'she's adopting a Nigerian orphan'.

Apparently, the child has a large amount of unclaimed money and gold which he cannot access directly.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Westcliffspur »

One of my mates found a lump and then had one of his testicles removed.

That's how serious he is about his mashed potato.
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