The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
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- aboycalleddave
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A lady dies and goes to heaven.
She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter.
There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him.
Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.
A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before.
"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.
"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly,
"It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."
The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.
"I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the lady.
"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!"
"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that."
She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter.
There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him.
Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.
A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before.
"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.
"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly,
"It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."
The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.
"I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the lady.
"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!"
"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that."
- aboycalleddave
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Lying in bed with the Mrs and looking at her face,I said to her "Looking at you reminds me of the lottery". "Ah babe" she said, "Is that because I look a million dollars"?
"No I just wish you would fuckin' roll over".....
"No I just wish you would fuckin' roll over".....
- ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
aboycalleddave wrote:Lying in bed with the Mrs and looking at her face,I said to her "Looking at you reminds me of the lottery". "Ah babe" she said, "Is that because I look a million dollars"?
"No I just wish you would fuckin' roll over".....
Bloody classic
- psychoscoredthelot
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A woman got wooden breast implants yesterday
It would be funny if this joke had a punch line
Wooden tit
It would be funny if this joke had a punch line
Wooden tit
- psychoscoredthelot
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I'm a member of the Fresh air appreciation society, anybody is welcome to join.
We have an open door policy.
l
We have an open door policy.
l
- Bamber Gascoigne
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I went to the local Pets At Home shop to buy some breeding birds.
The cashier said, "Have you got a store card?"
"No" I replied "but I have been shown how to get budgies excited"
The cashier said, "Have you got a store card?"
"No" I replied "but I have been shown how to get budgies excited"
- ageing hammer
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- Bamber Gascoigne
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Just bought a dog off my local Blacksmith.
We had a nice walk back and as soon as got in the house he made a bolt for the door!
We had a nice walk back and as soon as got in the house he made a bolt for the door!
- OFT
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Oh No! According to our paper Dr Dre's dead..............just a min, no Deirdre's dead...should have gone to specsavers.
- OFT
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Big Sam, Mourhino, Pellegrini and Pochettino are sat in a bar, Big Sam says,' I'll get another round in.'
- psychoscoredthelot
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
what did Sting get in Amsterdam ??
he got a ' massage in a brothel '
he got a ' massage in a brothel '
- DoubleDave
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I'm going to set up my own religion, one where its important to respect other peoples beliefs, learn to take criticism on the chin like an adult, wash regularly, treat women and children as equals and never kill anyone under any circumstances.
Its a non-prophet organisation.
Sean Connery thought he'd found a famous old racehorse down a cul-de-sac earlier. But later found out he was mistaken.
He said, "It was close but no Shergar."
My wife said to me in bed last night "if you turn the light off, I'll take it up the arse"
With the benefit of hindsight, I probably should have let the bulb cool down first!
Tom Daley has announced that he's trying to perfect a dive that he's never done before.
The muff dive.
Why did the semen cross the road?
I put on the wrong socks this morning.
Its a non-prophet organisation.
Sean Connery thought he'd found a famous old racehorse down a cul-de-sac earlier. But later found out he was mistaken.
He said, "It was close but no Shergar."
My wife said to me in bed last night "if you turn the light off, I'll take it up the arse"
With the benefit of hindsight, I probably should have let the bulb cool down first!
Tom Daley has announced that he's trying to perfect a dive that he's never done before.
The muff dive.
Why did the semen cross the road?
I put on the wrong socks this morning.
- ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
What has Batman and a Scouser got in common.
Both of them can't go into town without Robin.
Both of them can't go into town without Robin.
- psychoscoredthelot
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
For Christmas, I gave some hair gel to everybody who I work with.
It was a decision that sent shockwaves throughout the company.
It was a decision that sent shockwaves throughout the company.
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.
- ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
in Upstairs Downstairs ( soap )
Mr Hudson was banging Mrs Bridges on the kitchen table.
Mrs Bridges remarked " Oooh Mr Hudson when you are coming you don't half make a lot of noise "
Mr Hudson groaned " I don't normally but me balls are caught in the flipping drawer "
Mr Hudson was banging Mrs Bridges on the kitchen table.
Mrs Bridges remarked " Oooh Mr Hudson when you are coming you don't half make a lot of noise "
Mr Hudson groaned " I don't normally but me balls are caught in the flipping drawer "
- psychoscoredthelot
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- ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I am 55 but my hearing and my lower spine are 85psychoscoredthelot wrote:upstairs downstairs gags AH - thought you were 55 not 85 !!
- Rocketron
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
psychoscoredthelot wrote:upstairs downstairs gags AH - thought you were 55 not 85 !!
I.m 56, pardon ?ageing hammer wrote: I am 55 but my hearing and my lower spine are 85