The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby York Ham(mer) on Sun May 27, 2018 4:04 am

The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, an old Irish man answered his door to find two grim-faced constables on the doorstep.
"We're sorry sir but we have some information about your dear wife", said one of the officers.
"Tell me, did you find her?", the worried man asked.
The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the man said, "Give me the bad news first."
The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir but early this morning we found the body of your poor wife in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God", exclaimed the man. Swallowing hard he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled your late wife up, she had twelve of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like those since the 1960s and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, the old man demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied, "We're going to lift her up again tomorrow."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby pablo jaye on Sun May 27, 2018 10:53 pm

I've just created a new game show about making hats. It’s called ‘Who wants to be a milliner?’
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby York Ham(mer) on Thu May 31, 2018 12:18 am

An Essex man was knocked down by a car. He lay dazed on the road in a pool of blood, surrounded by a crowd of onlookers.
A paramedic arrived and asked "where's he bleeding from?"
The man opened one eye and said "I'm from bleedin' Romford"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Samba on Thu May 31, 2018 1:22 am

Sharon & Tracey are involved in a car crash. The paramedic called to the scene is checking Sharon over.
"How many fingers am I holding up?", says the paramedic.
"Bloody 'ell Trace", Sharon wails, "I'm numb from the bleedin' waist down"...
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Tenbury on Thu May 31, 2018 7:53 am

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bucks Hammer on Fri Jun 01, 2018 8:34 am

The Chuckle Brothers have just been signed up by British Gas...

......To meter you.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Tenbury on Sat Jun 02, 2018 9:13 am

Which of King Arthur's knights built the Round Table?

Sir Cumference.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby OFT on Sat Jun 02, 2018 7:18 pm

Raheem Sterling goes to see a very northern tattooist and asks for a trifle.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Eggs'n'nuts on Sat Jun 02, 2018 10:27 pm

'Appy 'Ammer wrote:True story.

My Mrs asked me if we wanted anything from her friends car boot sale as she was selling everything to travel Europe.

"Her knicker drawer" wasn't the right answer


I think your Mrs friend was the same woman I got the sack over in an unfortunate incident in the massage parlour. Apparently I misunderstood the term "finish up on her face".
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Monkeybubbles on Sun Jun 03, 2018 10:58 pm

Image
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Mon Jun 04, 2018 12:05 am

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby pablo jaye on Tue Jun 05, 2018 8:54 pm

:D nice one MB. Reminds me of the old joke - how do you say 'a bottle of beer' without moving your lips. A: Guinness!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby somerset-hammer on Tue Jun 05, 2018 8:57 pm

Outstanding MB

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby don't burst my bubble on Wed Jun 06, 2018 9:06 pm

Monkeybubbles wrote:Image


Gilliant!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby uptonparkhurst on Wed Jun 06, 2018 9:50 pm

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Yes, - Guckin' Collity!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Mon Jun 11, 2018 6:14 pm

Two wind turbines are on a date:

“So, what type of music do you like?”

“I’m a big metal fan.”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Tue Jun 12, 2018 10:29 pm

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know?

He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Tue Jun 12, 2018 10:33 pm

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said "I love you".

She said "Is that you or the beer talking"?

I replied "It's me,,,,,,, talking to the beer"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Tue Jun 12, 2018 10:46 pm

An inventor walks into a company that buys inventions and tells the bloke in there that he has invented something really good and wants to sell it to him. The bored bloke behind the desk asks what has he invented and the man throws him an apple. "This is just an apple" he said. The inventor said "taste it". So he took a bite and said "it just tastes like an ordinary apple" The inventor said "now turn it around and taste it again" He turned it around and took another bite and it tasted like an orange. "Turn it around again" said the inventor. He turned it around again and this time it tasted like a pear. The next turn it tasted like a banana, the next a peach. With a devil's grin the bloke in the office told him that if he can get it to taste like a women's pussy he would buy it from him.

The inventor took back the apple and told him he will be back in one week. He returned a week later and tossed him the apple and said " try that" He tasted the apple and nearly threw up all over his desk.

He splurted out " Jesus Christ that tastes like ****"

With a cheeky grin the inventor replied " TURN IT AROUND"
Last edited by ageing hammer on Mon Jun 18, 2018 2:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Mon Jun 18, 2018 2:12 pm

My sexy neighbour over the road has left her curtains open slightly, so I'm watching her pleasure herself with my telescope. I can't see very well, though. If only I hadn’t let her borrow my telescope.
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