The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Anything goes in The Snug, General Discussion's rebellious little brother. An off-topic den of iniquity where any subject not covered elsewhere may be discussed. Well, anything except golf, Star Wars and Arsenal.

Moderators: Gnome, last.caress, Wilko1304, Rio, bristolhammerfc, the pink palermo, chalks

Post Reply
User avatar
vietnammer
Bucky the beaver
Posts: 31656
Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2002 2:31 am
Location: Those little golden birdies look at them
Has liked: 618 likes
Total likes: 578 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

Anthropologist interviewing Native Americans:

What's your name?

Ten Bears.

Why?

Because ten bears passed through our village just before I was born.


And what's your wife's name?

Four Horses

So there were four horses in the village when she was born?

No. Nag Nag Nag Nag


(thanks Cuenca)
Online
User avatar
Chicken Run Supreme
Posts: 14864
Joined: Fri Jul 09, 2010 8:58 am
Location: Exiled in Angus
Has liked: 855 likes
Total likes: 823 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Chicken Run Supreme »

Businessman walks up to the Hotel reception where he is staying and asks if the porn on his TV can be disabled.
"f*** off, you sick b*stard, we only do standard porn!" She replied.
User avatar
Georgee Paris
Posts: 27162
Joined: Fri Jan 30, 2004 3:07 pm
Location: The Amazing Adventures of Wicked Willy & Fearless Steve
Has liked: 496 likes
Total likes: 1038 likes
Contact:

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Georgee Paris »

Next time your wife gets angry put a cape on her and say “now you are, super angry!”
Maybe she’ll laugh, or maybe you’ll die.
User avatar
Moxy
Posts: 2251
Joined: Mon Apr 29, 2013 2:45 pm
Location: Romford

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Moxy »

What did the squid say to the bagpipes? “I’ll f*** ya if I can get those pyjamas off!”
User avatar
ageing hammer
Posts: 25445
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
Has liked: 484 likes
Total likes: 1475 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

vietnammer wrote:Anthropologist interviewing Native Americans:

What's your name?

Ten Bears.

Why?

Because ten bears passed through our village just before I was born.


And what's your wife's name?

Four Horses

So there were four horses in the village when she was born?

No. Nag Nag Nag Nag


(thanks Cuenca)

Chief says here comes my cousin "Two dogs shagging" :D
User avatar
Bamber Gascoigne
Posts: 4661
Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2003 6:12 pm
Location: 51° 31′ 55″ N, 0° 2′ 22″ E
Has liked: 107 likes
Total likes: 40 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Bamber Gascoigne »

Son: "Dad - who's this Lenny Henry bloke everyone's talking about on the telly?"

Dad: "Ah. Lenny Henry. Well, I suppose he's a sort of comedian"

Son: "Comedian? Whats the funniest thing he's been in then?"

Dad "Dawn French"
Online
User avatar
OFT
Posts: 21533
Joined: Mon Apr 04, 2005 11:59 pm
Location: Sleepin’ in a bayou on a old rotten cot
Has liked: 2992 likes
Total likes: 1757 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by OFT »

A crisis has been averted for the visit to Ireland of the Pontiff, When it was discovered that the Pope mobile wouldn't start an official offered to lend his papal carrier.
User avatar
jevs
Posts: 9278
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2004 6:15 pm
Location: Uckfield, East Sussex
Has liked: 472 likes
Total likes: 293 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by jevs »

While riding my motorcycle, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my motorbike, I guess."
User avatar
ageing hammer
Posts: 25445
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
Has liked: 484 likes
Total likes: 1475 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

OFT wrote:A crisis has been averted for the visit to Ireland of the Pontiff, When it was discovered that the Pope mobile wouldn't start an official offered to lend his papal carrier.
I can beat that, the Pope was late attending Croke Park and they announced he was stuck in traffic :D
User avatar
psychoscoredthelot
Posts: 10245
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Location: Upminster
Has liked: 79 likes
Total likes: 201 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

Bamber Gascoigne wrote:Son: "Dad - who's this Lenny Henry bloke everyone's talking about on the telly?"

Dad: "Ah. Lenny Henry. Well, I suppose he's a sort of comedian"

Son: "Comedian? Whats the funniest thing he's been in then?"

Dad "Dawn French"
sorry for this not being a joke of sorts but during comic relief i was stood outside county hall when the sugababes come out so i hung around to have a decent look at them and a few more celebrities came out to get into cars whilst a bank of photographers snapping away, along comes lenny henry and he absolutely blanks a few kids who ask him for his autograph, so i shout out Oi Lenny, he pauses and turns to me and then i carry on ' remember when you were funny ? everyone cracks up except lenny..... thus proving my point
User avatar
The Collector
Posts: 5799
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2004 11:59 am
Location: The Misty Isle
Has liked: 4 likes
Total likes: 12 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by The Collector »

Bamber Gascoigne wrote:Son: "Dad - who's this Lenny Henry bloke everyone's talking about on the telly?"

Dad: "Ah. Lenny Henry. Well, I suppose he's a sort of comedian"

Son: "Comedian? Whats the funniest thing he's been in then?"

Dad "Dawn French"
psychoscoredthelot wrote:sorry for this not being a joke of sorts but during comic relief i was stood outside county hall when the sugababes come out so i hung around to have a decent look at them and a few more celebrities came out to get into cars whilst a bank of photographers snapping away, along comes lenny henry and he absolutely blanks a few kids who ask him for his autograph, so i shout out Oi Lenny, he pauses and turns to me and then i carry on ' remember when you were funny ? everyone cracks up except lenny..... thus proving my point
Just because he couldn’t remember?
Online
Hammer.CA
Posts: 3139
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:37 pm
Has liked: 2780 likes
Total likes: 607 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

Why doesn't Wonga consolidate all their outstanding debts into one easily affordable loan?
User avatar
Dover KUMB fan
Posts: 3242
Joined: Fri Nov 27, 2009 8:33 am
Total likes: 42 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

Hammer.CA wrote:Why doesn't Wonga consolidate all their outstanding debts into one easily affordable loan?
The government have stepped in & offered to bail them out. With an interest rate of 6000% APR
User avatar
Mega Ron
Posts: 12447
Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 2:35 pm
Location: -.-- --- ..- / -.-. ..- -. - ...
Has liked: 170 likes
Total likes: 175 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Mega Ron »

A friend of mine suffers from narcolepsy and it can be really difficult for her.

We're standing there having a nice chat and 20 seconds later I'm having sex.
Online
Hammer.CA
Posts: 3139
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:37 pm
Has liked: 2780 likes
Total likes: 607 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

A bloke goes into the Barbers, the Barber is in a mood and a right miserable git
He sits down and the Barber says "Going on holiday then"?
The guy replies "Yes ,me and the wife are going to Rome", the Barber says "I wouldn't bother mate, we went last month and it was sh*t, who are you flying with Al Italia"?
The guy replies "Yes"
The Barber says "We flew with them ,they were sh*t, I bet you're going to the Vatican to see the Pope as well"?
The guy replies "Yes, me and the wife are devout Catholics"
The Barber says "I knew it ,so predictable, me and the wife went there, it was sh*t"
A couple of months go by and one morning the bloke walks into the Barbers,the Barber recognises him and says "You're the guy who went to Rome, sh*t isn't it"?
The guy replies "Actually it was wonderful, the weather, people and the food were all fabulous"
"What about Al Italia, they're **** aren't they"? said the Barber*
"Actually we got upgraded and the flight was great" replies the guy
"How was the Vatican then? I bet it was sh*t" asks the Barber
The guy replies "Actually it was brilliant, the Swiss Guard came out and selected me and the wife and ten other people for a private audience with His Holiness, we were taken into his private study, where we held prayers and then the Pope laid his hand on our heads and blessed us"
The Barber asks "Did he say anything to you"?
The guy said "Yes, he said "Who the hell cut your hair? it's f*cking sh*t!!..
User avatar
vietnammer
Bucky the beaver
Posts: 31656
Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2002 2:31 am
Location: Those little golden birdies look at them
Has liked: 618 likes
Total likes: 578 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

Why does a man ask for a woman's hand in marriage?

Cos he's tired of using his own
User avatar
Sauce!
Posts: 5997
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
Total likes: 5 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

Someone has ripped a load of pages from the front and back of my dictionary.

It just goes from bad to worse.
User avatar
Haarlemammer
Posts: 973
Joined: Wed May 27, 2015 3:44 pm
Location: Singapore
Has liked: 369 likes
Total likes: 62 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Haarlemammer »

I feel a bad spell of wether coming on....
User avatar
Puff Daddy
Gone for a Burton
Posts: 42248
Joined: Mon Feb 26, 2007 2:08 pm
Location: Westham Way
Has liked: 248 likes
Total likes: 1160 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Puff Daddy »

This from when Irish jokes were the thing

In the days of The French Revolution and The Bastille

There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman facing execution at the guillotine. The executioner asks each in turn if they have a last wish and would they prefer face up, or face down. First, he asks the Englishman and he says, well yes, actually I do. I would like to ask the band to play Jerusalem and can I please have a pint of bitter. The executioner says, well that seems quite reasonable, I don't have a problem with that, band please play Jerusalem for this guy and bring him a pint of bitter. After the band had finished and the Englishman had knocked back his pint, the executioner asks him, now would you prefer face up or face down? The Englishman said, oh face down please. The blade came racing down and then got jammed just millimetres from his head. The executioner said, this is a miracle, you are free to go.It is then the Scotsman's turn, the executioner said, you have one last wish, what would you like, the Scotsman said, can I please hear, Mull of Kintyre and can I please have a glass of scotch? The executioner says, that seems quite reasonable,I don't have a problem with that, band play Mull of Kintyre for this bloke and bring him a whisky. When the band finished and he had knocked back his scotch, the executioner said, now, my man, would you prefer face up, or face down ? The Scotsman, said, oh face down please. The blade came roaring down and stopped, just millimetres from his neck. The executioner said, well we seem to be having a few technical problems with this this morning, but this is a miracle, you are free to go. It is then the turn of the Irishman. The executioner asks, now old man, you have one last wish what would you like ? The Irishman says. Oi tink Oi would like to hear the band play Oh Danny Boy and I would like a pint of Guiness. The executioner says, that seems quite reasonable, I don't have a problem with that. After the band had finished and he had downed his pint of Guiness, the executioner turned to him and asked, now would you like face down, or face up? The Irishman said, Oi tink oi would like face up. Very well said the executioner and then just as the blade was about to come down, the Irishman said. "You know, I tink I can see what's wrong with that
User avatar
Samba
Posts: 21811
Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:36 pm
Location: David Sullivan's least favourite fluffer.
Has liked: 2484 likes
Total likes: 895 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Samba »

At the zoo today, I saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
Post Reply