The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
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Dover KUMB fan
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Dover KUMB fan wrote:I ate 4 cans of Alphabet spagetti for breakfast...
So I am expecting a massive vowel movement later.
When that comes out that might spell trouble
Last edited by ageing hammer on Mon Aug 11, 2014 1:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Rocketron
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight and, being
a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby
is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know, she said. "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight and, being
a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby
is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know, she said. "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
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Rocketron
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and Iknow I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,’ she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
‘Feels great,’ he replied; ‘but I still think my thumb's broken!’
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and Iknow I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,’ she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
‘Feels great,’ he replied; ‘but I still think my thumb's broken!’
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Two American tourists were visiting Ireland and decided to play a round of golf.
As they played one of them said he was really disappointed with his holiday as he thought Ireland was full of Leprechauns like in the movies and he hadn't seen even one.
His next tee shot hooked to the left and landed in a load of bushes.
When he went into the bushes to find his ball he stumbled on two very small Irish men in the bushes and one of them was giving the other a blow job.
The Yank cried out " Hey there are you a Leprechaun "
The bloke grinned and replied " Nah I'm a Goblin "
As they played one of them said he was really disappointed with his holiday as he thought Ireland was full of Leprechauns like in the movies and he hadn't seen even one.
His next tee shot hooked to the left and landed in a load of bushes.
When he went into the bushes to find his ball he stumbled on two very small Irish men in the bushes and one of them was giving the other a blow job.
The Yank cried out " Hey there are you a Leprechaun "
The bloke grinned and replied " Nah I'm a Goblin "
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rare as rockinghorse shat
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Oscar Pistorious has just sacked his legal team and hired Celtic's, as he heard that you can lose both legs and still win....
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
:lol: Brilliant,rare as rockinghorse shat wrote:Oscar Pistorious has just sacked his legal team and hired Celtic's, as he heard that you can lose both legs and still win....
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ageing hammer
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don't burst my bubble
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
BREAKING NEWS: Oscar Pistorius has sacked his legal team and hired Celtic's as he has heard you can lose both legs and still win.
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ageing hammer
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kippaxcockney
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Don't burst his bubble...........ageing hammer wrote:Kin 'ell and it's not even on a different page.
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Bamber Gascoigne
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
ageing hammer wrote:Kin 'ell and it's not even on a different page.
FFS :lol:kippaxcockney wrote:Don't burst his bubble...........
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Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I think my best mate is having an affair with my Missus....
He's been a proper miserable b*****d lately!
He's been a proper miserable b*****d lately!
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Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I saw something pretty shocking & amazing yesterday.
I was walking along the pier eating a hot dog. I got bored of it, & threw the rest over the side into the sea. A blind man suddenly jumped in after it, which shocked me somewhat.
However, when he re-emerged from the waves he had turned into a labrador.....Amazing!!!
I was walking along the pier eating a hot dog. I got bored of it, & threw the rest over the side into the sea. A blind man suddenly jumped in after it, which shocked me somewhat.
However, when he re-emerged from the waves he had turned into a labrador.....Amazing!!!
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ageing hammer
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I rang the drug addiction helpline and the automated voice said
" If you wish to talk to someone about drug addiction please press the hash key "
" If you wish to talk to someone about drug addiction please press the hash key "
Last edited by ageing hammer on Tue Aug 12, 2014 3:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I rang the Samaritans to tell them I wasn't coming in to work today and some b*stard talked me into it.
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Dover KUMB fan
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Burningaham
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running
around having fun, kicking a football.She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she asks.
'Yes,' he replies.
'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says.
'It's best I stay here,' he says.
'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde.
The boy looks at her and says: "Because I'm the goal keeper"
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running
around having fun, kicking a football.She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she asks.
'Yes,' he replies.
'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says.
'It's best I stay here,' he says.
'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde.
The boy looks at her and says: "Because I'm the goal keeper"