The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Wed Oct 11, 2017 9:41 pm

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Wed Oct 18, 2017 11:54 pm

:D )
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hindley Hammer on Thu Oct 19, 2017 8:29 am

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both were rushed to hospital.

One's in a korma
The other's got a dodgy tikka
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Thu Oct 19, 2017 11:23 am

My wife came home early the other day and caught me masturbating over an optical illusion.

As she stormed out I called after her...

“but honey... it’s not what it looks like!”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Sat Oct 21, 2017 12:26 pm

Trafalgar Day Fact - Not many know that Nelson was 5'6" in real life. His statue in Trafalgar Square is 17'4".

That's Horatio of around 3 to 1
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Etonhammer on Sat Oct 21, 2017 12:36 pm

Sauce! wrote:Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side.


:thup:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby jevs on Sat Oct 21, 2017 5:10 pm

I can't believe it.....i left two West Ham season tickets in the car last night.

Some scumbag has smashed the window and left 2 more!!!!!!!!!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby delbert on Mon Oct 23, 2017 2:54 pm

Q. Who can beat Captain America?

A. Captain Vietnam.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby orbital on Thu Oct 26, 2017 9:57 am

“Sir your car was swerving all over the road”

“Sorry officer I’ve had ten pints and feel pissed.”

“That’s no excuse to let your wife drive.”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby orbital on Thu Oct 26, 2017 10:05 am

Opinions are like orgasms...

Mine is more important, and I don’t really care if you have one.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby orbital on Thu Oct 26, 2017 10:05 am

The waiter asked, "Would you like to hear today's special?"

"Yes please," I smiled...

"Today is special," he replied, then walked off.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Thu Oct 26, 2017 10:08 am

The swerving one :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Fri Oct 27, 2017 7:21 pm

Wayne Rooney gets in his car to drive home after training. Its a very warm afternoon, so he sets the aircon to max and sets off.

All of a sudden, a tree appears in front of him! He tugs at the wheel to the left in a desperate attempt to avoid a collision, but immediately there ahead is another tree.

He turns the wheel back to the right, but ahead is yet another tree! Spinning the wheel back to the left only steers him towards another tree, and whichever way he steers there is another and another and another!

With sweat pouring down his face, he becomes aware firstly of the siren and then of the array of blue flashing lights from the pursuing Police cars, and he pulls the car into the kerb and exhausted, he slumps over the wheel.

"Good evening Sir" said the Police Officer, peering in through the drivers window. "we've been following you and your driving would lead me to conclude that you may be under the influence of either or both drugs and alcohol."

"No no Officer" shrieks Wayne over the noise of the aircon which is still whirring away. "All I did was try to avoid all of those damned trees back there - its ridiculous having them placed in the middle of the road like that".

The office leans lower, looks in through the window, shakes his head in disbelief, and declares...

"You daft **** - those "trees" were your air-freshener swinging about"!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Sat Oct 28, 2017 10:58 am

A Pirate goes to the doctors.
“Aaarrrghhh Doctor there be some moles on my back I’d like you to look at”
Doctor: “It’s ok they’re benign”

“Count again Doc, I think there be ten”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby pablo jaye on Sun Oct 29, 2017 4:12 pm

^^^^ :D

V good!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby OFT on Sun Oct 29, 2017 7:31 pm

Sauce! wrote:Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side.


Very good

I had to look up what it was though :oops:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Tue Oct 31, 2017 12:19 pm

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?


Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby orbital on Tue Oct 31, 2017 1:14 pm

I was recently on safari in the Serengeti and witnessed two male lions shagging.

I thought blimey, have they got no pride?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby orbital on Tue Oct 31, 2017 1:15 pm

Therapist: “What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?”

“Sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead.”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby orbital on Tue Oct 31, 2017 1:16 pm

The wife said, "You haven't listened to a f**king word I've said, have you?"

What strange way to start a conversation with me.
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