The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Tue Sep 19, 2017 8:05 pm

People think I'm stupid because I have a lisp.

I'm thick of it.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Wed Sep 20, 2017 9:04 am

At a spiritualist meeting, the leader asks how many people have seen a ghost.

About half the hands go up.

How many of you have spoken with a ghost?

A few hands go up.

How many of you have had sex with a ghost?

One hand goes up at the back, the audience gasp.

Come to the stage Sir

Amid much murmuring, a man makes his way to the stage.

So, you've had sexual relations with a ghost?

Oh, I'm sorry. I was at the back and couldn't hear you. I thought you said goat.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Wed Sep 20, 2017 9:42 am

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Wed Sep 20, 2017 9:45 am

vietnammer wrote:At a spiritualist meeting, the leader asks how many people have seen a ghost.

About half the hands go up.

How many of you have spoken with a ghost?

A few hands go up.

How many of you have had sex with a ghost?

One hand goes up at the back, the audience gasp.

Come to the stage Sir

Amid much murmuring, a man makes his way to the stage.

So, you've had sexual relations with a ghost?

Oh, I'm sorry. I was at the back and couldn't hear you. I thought you said goat.


This really happened to you didn't it? :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby pablo jaye on Thu Sep 21, 2017 6:15 pm

A woman goes to a psychiatrist. He shows her ink blots on cards. "What does this remind you of?"
"Sex."
"What about this card?"
"Sex."
Every ink blot reminds her of sex. Finally he says, "I think I see your problem. You're obsessed with sex."
"Well, YOU'RE the one showin' me dirty pictures!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Thu Sep 21, 2017 7:27 pm

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Ok ok. Me no tell, you no tell."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Sun Sep 24, 2017 7:44 am

I went to the opticians and he told me I'd have to stop ****ing

Why, will I go blind?

No, you're upsetting everyone in the waiting room
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby cambridge hammer on Sun Sep 24, 2017 8:56 am

My mate recently applied for a job at Citroen. Strangely he had to submit 2 cvs.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Jennings on Sun Sep 24, 2017 9:50 am

I was out drinking with my mates, when I suddenly looked at my phone and noticed 12 missed calls from my wife.

Is she insecure or what? That's an average of 6 calls a day.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Tue Sep 26, 2017 9:04 am

I was up on a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said "Is King Kong Coming?"

I said "Nah, it’s just the paste off my brush"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Tue Sep 26, 2017 12:52 pm

Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:I was up on a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said "Is King Kong Coming?"

I said "Nah, it’s just the paste off my brush"



Nicking that :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Tue Sep 26, 2017 4:44 pm

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby pablo jaye on Tue Sep 26, 2017 6:36 pm

A bit of a long one ....

Spare a thought for poor ole Mitchell O’Leary, Chief Executive of Bryanair.
After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Mitchell comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Mitchell attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
Have a good weekend
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ak-47 on Tue Sep 26, 2017 6:43 pm

My job is to crush drink cans , its soda pressing.........
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Wed Sep 27, 2017 8:59 am

Pablo :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Wed Sep 27, 2017 7:19 pm

I, for one, like Roman numerals.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Sat Sep 30, 2017 1:39 pm

What's the difference between Hugh Hefner and the Titanic?













They know how many went down on the Titanic.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby cambridge hammer on Sat Sep 30, 2017 8:35 pm

Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:I, for one, like Roman numerals.


A Roman goes into the pub,sticks 2 fingers up and says "5 pints please landlord"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby only1post on Sun Oct 01, 2017 6:47 pm

Why do warships from Norway, Sweden & Denmark have bar codes on the side?
So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Sun Oct 01, 2017 7:26 pm

only1post wrote:Why do warships from Norway, Sweden & Denmark have bar codes on the side?
So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.



Love it :D
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