The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Mon May 08, 2017 11:09 pm

Son: Dad, why did you and Mum name my little sister Teresa?

Dad: Because we decided that our childrens names should reflect the things we love, and your Mum absolutely loves Easter - and Teresa, is an anagram of Easter!

Son: Oh - that makes sense. Thanks Dad.

Dad: No problem Alan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Tue May 09, 2017 8:43 am

:lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Tue May 09, 2017 8:48 am

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said,
"I want to die when Spurs win the league then."

"You crafty b'stard" said the fairy.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Sat May 13, 2017 11:11 am

"You spend far too much time on that ****ing computer."

Possibly a bit harsh, but as one of Stephen Hawking's closest friends, I felt someone had to tell him.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby cambridge hammer on Sat May 13, 2017 12:36 pm

Compere Who had a hit with tiger feet?
Contestant Mud?
Compere That's right,that's right,that's right,that's Right!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Sat May 13, 2017 10:25 pm

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby OFT on Sun May 14, 2017 9:38 am

A lorry load of vics vapour rub has overturned on the M25. Police say its now been cleared up and there's no congestion.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Sun May 14, 2017 1:56 pm

Joke told to me by a Moslem so it's ok (I hope).

A very lazy bloke plans to go on Haj with a bottle of vodka. Why? "So I can watch the Ka'aba go round me"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Sun May 14, 2017 7:07 pm

vietnammer wrote:Joke told to me by a Moslem so it's ok (I hope).

A very lazy bloke plans to go on Haj with a bottle of vodka. Why? "So I can watch the Ka'aba go round me"


Boom! Boom!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Wed May 17, 2017 2:36 pm

Two Jamaican blokes going to a party,the invitation read “come dressed as an emotion”.

Both of the men were stumped as to what to go as.

That night of the party, the host hears a knock at the door and opens it to find both the men completely naked. One bloke had his cock in a bowl of custard, while the second man has a large pear shoved on the end of his knob.

A little taken aback the host asks what emotion they have come as.

The first bloke says :

“I am ****ing dis custard”

And the second man says:

“And I am deep in dis pear”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Wed May 17, 2017 5:22 pm

Who said "There is no profit in defeat" ?

A) Winston Churchill

B) A West Indian chiropodist
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby shammy on Mon May 22, 2017 10:59 am

My local cafe is serving Oasis soup.

You get a a roll with it.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Mon May 22, 2017 2:35 pm

How did Bob Marley like his donuts?

With jam in.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Tue May 23, 2017 10:44 am

Oh well, I never got the job at the local theatre as a stage designer.
I left without making a scene.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Tue May 23, 2017 12:34 pm

A mate of mine fell down a big crack in the floor while performing in a play.

He was just going through a bad stage.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Monkeybubbles on Tue May 23, 2017 1:10 pm

I've got deja vu and amnesia. I can't remember what happens next.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Tue May 23, 2017 1:36 pm

Monkeybubbles wrote:I've got deja vu and amnesia. I can't remember what happens next.


:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Tue May 23, 2017 2:03 pm

How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One...or two?
One...or two?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Wed May 24, 2017 6:42 pm

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her
private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor
whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough,
there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick &
bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close
the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few
minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The
nurses run back into the room.

'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby pablo jaye on Wed May 24, 2017 7:14 pm

:lol: ^^^
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