The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Thu Mar 16, 2017 5:04 pm

After years of stuffing her face, my wife finally took it too far and fell into a deep diabetic coma.
After two weeks of no improvement, her doctor took me to one side..

"I'm sorry, but all our tests are indicating no sign of her ever recovering." He told me, somberly. "It may be time to take away her life support."

Suddenly, my wife's eyes sprung open and she sat bolt upright in bed..

"Did someone mention takeaway?"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Thu Mar 16, 2017 5:27 pm

psychoscoredthelot wrote:"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me.
"Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him.
"Really?" he asked.
"No," I replied.


:lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Thu Mar 16, 2017 8:41 pm

I ordered a copy of "Bald and Barely Legal" online the other day.

When it arrived I opened it and was slightly disappointed to find it was filled with pictures of old car tyres.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Fri Mar 17, 2017 12:40 pm

i went to a 70s disco last night


at first i was afraid - i was petrified
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby WoodfordJnr on Fri Mar 17, 2017 12:41 pm

psychoscoredthelot wrote:i ate 24 pots of yoghurt last night



i was well mullered



That has proper tickled me ... using that
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Sat Mar 18, 2017 8:31 pm

Did you hear about the Irish Humpty-Dumpty?

A ****ing wall fell on him

===========================================

The police came to my door today holding a picture of my wife. 'Is this your wife sir?' the copper asked. 'Yes' I answered. I'm afraid it looks like shes been run over by a bus' he said. 'I know' I said, but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Rocketron on Sun Mar 19, 2017 9:20 pm

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, “Do you have water?
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban shouted hysterically, “Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!
“Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5.”
“Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!”
“Okay,” said the little old Jewish man, it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need ... Go In Peace!
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, “They won’t let me in without a tie!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Mon Mar 20, 2017 10:00 am

^^ :lol: ^^
Nicking that
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Mon Mar 20, 2017 12:11 pm

"Tell me what you want," I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string.

"I want my guitar back," she said.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Mon Mar 20, 2017 1:25 pm

psychoscoredthelot wrote:"Tell me what you want," I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string.

"I want my guitar back," she said.


:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Tue Mar 21, 2017 8:25 pm

I went the the doctors earlier about my premature ejaculation.
"How is your wife about this?" Asked the doctor.
I replied "Well she took it on the chin to start with, but now it gets on her tits"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Czech Hammer on Tue Mar 21, 2017 10:36 pm

Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:
The police came to my door today holding a picture of my wife. 'Is this your wife sir?' the copper asked. 'Yes' I answered. I'm afraid it looks like shes been run over by a bus' he said. 'I know' I said, but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids'


Thats the winner for me :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby nedgray on Wed Mar 22, 2017 9:51 am

Being as it's International Grumpy ****er Day, how easy is it to impersonate Victor Meldrew?

a) don't
b) leave it
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Wed Mar 22, 2017 6:01 pm

Martin McGuinness arrives at the Pearly Gates.
St Peter: What are you doing here? Theres no room in here for you...
MM: I don't want to come in. I'm giving you lot a 5 minute warning to get out
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Thu Mar 23, 2017 3:20 pm

i messed up today - i went to work with a load of mousetraps in my pocket and came home with 4 scousers
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Thu Mar 23, 2017 3:22 pm

I pulled a fat bird in a club last night and went back to her place. As she started to take her clothes off she said, "I hope you'll still respect me in the morning?"

"You don't need to worry about that," I replied soothingly, "there's no ****ing way I'll still be here in the morning."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Thu Mar 23, 2017 3:47 pm

i just watched a documentary on cocaine and it was brilliant, i bought another gram and cant wait to watch more tv tonight
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Thu Mar 23, 2017 3:50 pm

Was out with the new girlfriend when a mouse jumped out of nowhere, to impress her I bricked the little bugger

I'm now single.




And banned from Disneyland.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Fri Mar 24, 2017 3:56 pm

I was weaving dangerously in the middle of the road when it occurred to me that I should find a better place to make a wicker basket.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby pablo jaye on Fri Mar 24, 2017 10:20 pm

Devastated .... A very sad day today. After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
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