The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Eggs'n'nuts on Mon Feb 27, 2017 1:00 pm

^^^ No problem though. They'll bounce back!^^^
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:28 pm

My missus says I'm childish but I don't care.

She smells of poo and wee.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:58 pm

Ma's out Pa's out let's talk rude
Pee po belly bum drawers
Out in the garden in the nude
Pee po belly bum drawers
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Suffolk Iron on Mon Feb 27, 2017 11:24 pm

Ran out of Rizlas in the pub earlier.

Asked the Eastern European bloke standing next to me if he'd got any papers.

He was out the door in seconds.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby cambridge hammer on Tue Feb 28, 2017 1:47 pm

It's very hard to say what my Mrs does for a living. She sells sea shells on the sea shore.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Chicken Run Supreme on Tue Feb 28, 2017 3:44 pm

A man is out on the lash with his mate and gets into such a state he pukes up all over his suit.
" I can't go home like this, the missus will kill me, it's a brand new suit" he says to his mate.
"I've an idea" says his mate as he puts a £20 note in the inside pocket of his suit jacket. "When you get home, tell your wife a stranger threw up over you in the pub and gave you a score for the dry cleaning."
"Good idea" said the man.
So when he gets home and his wife sees the state of his suit, before she gets stuck into him he fronts up about the stranger who puked over him and gave him £20 for dry cleaning.
"So how comes there's £40 in your pocket?" the wife said.
"Oh yeah, that's another £20 from the man who shat in my pants"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby York Ham(mer) on Tue Feb 28, 2017 7:17 pm

Made the pancakes too thin..... shouldn't have to put up with this crepe.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Fri Mar 03, 2017 11:41 pm

Tried to buy that new book about teaching yourself how to levitate today.

It was sold out, bloke said it was just flying off the shelf.
Last edited by ageing hammer on Fri Mar 03, 2017 11:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Fri Mar 03, 2017 11:45 pm

Saw a sign on the back of a suicide bombers van today, it read:

"Be aware people alighting"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby -DL- on Sat Mar 04, 2017 12:12 am

A few years ago I invented beach footwear for people with only one leg.

It was a flop
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Polaroid on Sat Mar 04, 2017 2:59 am

I've just noticed the wife is wearing her sexy underwear.
This can only mean one thing...

She's behind with the washing.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby -DL- on Sun Mar 05, 2017 9:56 pm

My Doctor says that I'm really sick.

Well, that's the last time I'm lending him a porno.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby rare as rockinghorse shat on Mon Mar 06, 2017 12:06 am

Burningaham wrote:I just got a fright from a Chinese travel agent


Amazing

ak-47 wrote:Shopping in town with my girlfriend we saw a group of sexy teenagers in miniskirts. "Cor!!" I chuckled. "I bet you wish you had legs like those!"

She didn't reply, but I could tell she was upset...... I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp into Debenhams.

Image
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Mon Mar 06, 2017 5:00 pm

Why did the bear dissolve in water?

Because it was a polar bear.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Tue Mar 07, 2017 5:27 pm

A skeketon walks into a bar and says...

"Can I have a pint of lager and a mop?"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby jevs on Fri Mar 10, 2017 7:15 am

Paddy...."i've been shagging these two twins"

Mick...."Really, how can you tell them apart?"

Paddy...."It's easy, Julie's got blonde hair and Derek has a moustache"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Wed Mar 15, 2017 12:15 pm

i saw 6 men continually walking around a cemetery carrying a coffin and thought to myself ' theyve lost the plot '
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Wed Mar 15, 2017 12:16 pm

i ate 24 pots of yoghurt last night



i was well mullered
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Wed Mar 15, 2017 8:13 pm

The wife came out of the bathroom this morning and walked into our bedroom without putting any clothes on. She said "Close the curtains, I dont want the neighbours seeing me naked".

I said "Don't worry, if they see you naked they'll close their own f*cking curtains"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Thu Mar 16, 2017 5:00 pm

"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me.
"Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him.
"Really?" he asked.
"No," I replied.
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