The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[Greatest Cockney Rip Off]

On being asked how Wayne Rooney's departure from Old Trafford would affect the other players Jose Mourinho replied,

"It will be very positive for them. They can now bring their mothers and grandmothers to the games. "

[claretandblue82]

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can find a solution in silence.

[claretandblue82]

My girlfriends dog just died so I got her an identical one.

Now she's got two dead dogs.

[claretandblue82]

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog because he shuts up after you let him in.

[cambridge hammer]

Judy Murray has reacted angrily at suggestions she shows favouritism towards one of her sons .
"What rubbish"she replied " I treat both Andy and old whatshisface exactly the same.

[Sauce!]

A sign above the door where I work says, "Once you go black you never come back".

You've got to have a sense of humour in the crematorium

[Westcliffspur]

Ive been thinking of selling my John Lennon memorabillia on Ebay. Imagine all the Paypal...

[ageing hammer]

[ageing hammer]

A bloke went to his doctor with an issue with his penis.

After examining him the doc diagnosed that he had the clap.

He said to the doctor " but that's impossible doctor I have not been with a women in years "

The doctor said " don't make any difference it's still the clap, do you masturbate? "

The bloke replied " well yes I do "

The doc asked " Fast or slow "

Bloke says " Slow "

The doctor says " there you have it, slow hand clap "

[Dover KUMB fan]

The missus was clearing out some old clothes the other day.
She came running into the lounge and shouted "Look! I found an old pair of crotchless knickers in the drawer!.... And they fit me!!"

I didnt have the heart to tell her it was one of my old vests.

[OFT]

Some time ago Elvis Costello swapped a tyre for a box of chocolates.
That was a Goodyear for the Roses

[pablo jaye]

^^

Did he then take it to the garage .... To Pump It Up??

[Greatest Cockney Rip Off]

Accidents Will Happen

[ageing hammer]

Accidents Will Happen

Said the hedgehog to the scrubbing brush

[Hugh Jargon]

I know two Mexican fireman who are twins.

Hose A and Hose B

Que?

[samanthadog]

Two builders on site.
One suddenly turns around and stamps on something.
What are you doing?
It was a snail
Why did you do that?
It's been following me around all day.

(Sorry builders!!!!)

[cambridge hammer]

Took my blow up doll back to the sex shop because it kept going down on me.
The man behind the counter said he didn't realise it did that and charged me an extra 20 quid

[OFT]

There's some bastads selling on e-bay, a friend of mine paid 80 quid for a penis enlarger, it arrived in a plain wrapper with the only instruction 'do no use in direct sunlight'. when he opened it it was a magnifying glass

[badgermax]

So the new Doctor Who is a woman. I bet she'll keep bringing up the past.

[ageing hammer]

So the new Doctor Who is a woman. I bet she'll keep bringing up the past.

She will also be responsible for the rise of the cybermen