The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Thu Apr 20, 2017 10:41 am

1 too many umdiddles mate
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Thu Apr 20, 2017 10:51 am

Last night I was at a course of self-defense.
the instructor:
"I want to take me by surprise and attack me"
So today, when I saw in the supermarket, I hid behind a shelf and hit him in the head with a can of beans.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Thu Apr 20, 2017 10:54 am

I was just going up to my step daughter's room to change a lightbulb, so I didn't knock and accidentally walked in on her completely naked and masturbating.

"Dad!" she shrieked, "close the door !"

"Oh ok," I replied, quickly shutting it.

"I meant get out first !"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Tue Apr 25, 2017 2:47 pm

I had a dream last night that I was getting a blowjob from the blonde one from ABBA



I only woke up because his beard was tickling my balls.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Burningaham on Wed Apr 26, 2017 5:34 pm

Just spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge.


Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Wed Apr 26, 2017 8:27 pm

Burningaham wrote:Just spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge.


Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.



:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hugh Jargon II on Thu Apr 27, 2017 6:42 pm

Catherine Tate...in Tottenham.


https://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=ybkqUWw3i5o
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Eggs'n'nuts on Tue May 02, 2017 6:06 pm

Bought the Mother-in-law a pair of crotchless knickers for her birthday. It was nothing sexual, I just wanted her to get a better grip on her broomstick!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Wed May 03, 2017 3:42 pm

I'm not saying I'm a pervert or anything..

But if I stopped paying the subscription fees on all the specialist porn sites I use, I could probably afford an albino amputee dwarf of my very own.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Fri May 05, 2017 1:29 pm

anyone else think that Head & Shoulders should bring out a body wash called Knees & Toes ?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby on the edge on Fri May 05, 2017 1:35 pm

Why was the washing machine laughing? It was taking the wet out of the knickers
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Sat May 06, 2017 3:29 pm

Why was the office floor wet?

Because the typist.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby -DL- on Sun May 07, 2017 3:12 pm

The Monkees are touring Switzerland and my wife threatened to leave me unless we flew out there to see them.

I thought she was joking.......

Then I saw her face, Now I'm in Geneva
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Suffolk Iron on Sun May 07, 2017 5:34 pm

-DL- wrote:The Monkees are touring Switzerland and my wife threatened to leave me unless we flew out there to see them.

I thought she was joking.......

Then I saw her face, Now I'm in Geneva

I laughed out loud at this in the pub. Well played sir.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby West Ham Dave on Mon May 08, 2017 10:43 am

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well, my Mum has one and she says it eats f**kng batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Mon May 08, 2017 2:27 pm

Sooty has been arrested for sexually assaulting a minor in the seventies.

Police also arrested Matthew Corbett; they suspect he had a hand in it.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby cambridge hammer on Mon May 08, 2017 4:52 pm

Not sure if it is a scam or not but I had a phone call saying I'd won £100 or a night at an Elvis tribute show.
I had to press 1 for the money ,2 for the show..........
:fsake:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Mon May 08, 2017 7:56 pm

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as CIF, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Mon May 08, 2017 10:59 pm

What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis has been drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.................
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Mon May 08, 2017 11:03 pm

Came home and found a note from the Mrs - she's left me!. Apparently she can't stand my obsession with American sitcoms.

Happy Days!
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