The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Thu Mar 30, 2017 2:13 pm

ageing hammer wrote:A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in a field when the bear asks the rabbit

" You know when you are taking a crap does the shiit every stick to your fur "

The rabbit replies " why no it never does "


So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with him.
Sauce! wrote:
If shit doesn't stick to the rabbit's fur then wiping your arse with a rabbit won't get your arse clean.






On the contrary, a rabbits crap is hard pellets while a Bears motions are soft :wink:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Thu Mar 30, 2017 4:34 pm

I've been telling that joke for 40 years and I always ensure that the rabbit confirms that **** does stick to its fur, thus providing the bear with a good wipe.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Thu Mar 30, 2017 11:10 pm

Nicola Sturgeon is touring rural Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car when a cow walks out of a field and into the path of the limo. Despite the Chauffeurs best efforts to avoid the animal, he hits it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Nicola looks horrified and says to the chauffeur, 'You, get out now and check it out. You were driving and you - not I - are to blame'.

The chauffeur gets out to check and reports that the animal is dead. Nicola then says, 'Well, as I said, You were driving and therefore you - and not I - are to blame. Now go and tell the farmer. I can't afford to be blamed for anything. Now get going and hurry back'.

So, the chauffeur sets off in search of the farmhouse.

Around four hours later he returns absolutely shitfaced, hair a mess, shirt hanging out and the biggest grin on his face you've ever seen.

'My God, what happened to you? Where in Gods name have you been? demands Nicola.

The chauffeur replies, 'Well, I found the farmhouse and after being invited in the farmer opened a couple of bottles of his finest malt, the wife gave me a slap up meal, and then they let me shag both their daughters.'

'What on earth did you say to them about the accident to get all of that? Weren't they upset you had reduced their herd?' asks Nicola.

'Well, it was quite strange' said the chauffeur. 'I knocked on the door, and when the Farmer answered I said "I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've got to tell you there has been an accident, and it was all my fault and the cow is dead". He shook my hand and invited me in!'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby jevs on Fri Mar 31, 2017 5:32 pm

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said ...
'Mixin-me-toasties'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Fri Mar 31, 2017 8:17 pm

A bloke is parachuting on his first solo jump.

He jumps out of the plane and counts the seconds then pulls the cord, the chute doesn't open.

He tries again but no good.

He tries the emergency cord but again nothing is working.

He is now in fear of his life when suddenly a bloke in a pair of tatty overalls starts rising up towards him.

As he comes closer he shouts at the bloke " Do you know anything about parachutes"

The bloke shouts back " No mate, and I know **** all about gas boilers either "
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Sat Apr 01, 2017 11:19 am

A woman will fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship.

A man will fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby don't burst my bubble on Sat Apr 01, 2017 11:45 am

Sauce! wrote:A woman will fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship.

A man will fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.


:lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby OFT on Sun Apr 02, 2017 6:07 pm

A bloke was standing at the bar in the pub one night, minding his own business, when this fat, ugly woman came up behind him and grabbed his arse and said, "You're cute. You got a phone number?"
He said, "Yeah, you got a pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I've got a pen."
Well he said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Sun Apr 02, 2017 6:53 pm

OFT wrote:A bloke was standing at the bar in the pub one night, minding his own business, when this fat, ugly woman came up behind him and grabbed his arse and said, "You're cute. You got a phone number?"
He said, "Yeah, you got a pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I've got a pen."
Well he said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."


:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Sun Apr 02, 2017 6:55 pm

A bloke asks a stunning blonde at a bar :

"What would it take for me to get a nice big kiss from you"

Blonde replies "Chloroform"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby dodgy dave on Mon Apr 03, 2017 8:10 am

I was having a **** in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.

He said."Can I see your ticket please?"

"Not right now." I shouted , " I'm having a ****"

He said " I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"

"No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Mon Apr 03, 2017 10:52 am

dodgy dave wrote:I was having a **** in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.

He said."Can I see your ticket please?"

"Not right now." I shouted , " I'm having a ****"

He said " I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"

"No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."


:)
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Mon Apr 03, 2017 11:40 am

whats an epileptics favourite food ?



chicken seizure salad
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Mon Apr 03, 2017 11:46 am

so ronaldo has had an airport named after him in Madeira

well ive had 2 named after me in london

I did need to change my name by deed poll though to Heath Row firstly then Stan Sted
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby screech on Mon Apr 03, 2017 12:05 pm

psychoscoredthelot wrote:so ronaldo has had an airport named after him in Madeira

well ive had 2 named after me in london

I did need to change my name by deed poll though to Heath Row firstly then Stan Sted

that is awful, truly shocking psycho probably the worst i have seen from you
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Mon Apr 03, 2017 6:32 pm

Feeling tired while using your smartphone?

There's a nap for that.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby WoodfordJnr on Tue Apr 04, 2017 3:08 pm

screech wrote:that is awful, truly shocking psycho probably the worst i have seen from you


This genuinely made me laugh :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Tue Apr 04, 2017 9:16 pm

We were on a plane and the guy next to us started to be sick, so I got a paper bag ready.

"Thanks, " he said, as I put it over my wife's head.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Wed Apr 05, 2017 2:35 pm

sorry screech - i will up my game
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Wed Apr 05, 2017 9:44 pm

Breaking news..

After the latest defeat Slaven Bilic has just been caught speeding away from the Emirates at 102mph.

When asked why he was driving so fast, the Crazy Croat replied "I'll do anything for 3 points".

:oops:
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