The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[Westcliffspur]

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in the water. Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

[Dover KUMB fan]

WCS :lol:

[Sauce!]

I've just bought some counterfeit Mr Kipling products.

They are exceedingly good fakes.

[Westcliffspur]

The ladies of a terribly posh WI assembled for a group photograph. The photographer came in with an old plate camera on a tripod and pulled the cover over his head.

Mrs Farquharson said to Mrs Ashley-Cooper "What's he doing now?"
Mrs Ashley-Cooper said, "Well, he's going to focus, isn't he?"
Mrs Farquharson said "What? All of us?"

[Hammer.CA]

Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?
The ultrasound guy.

Who takes his place when he's not there?
The hip replacement guy.

[Sauce!]

"Your Only Fools & Horses obsession is ruining my life" shouted my wife, "I want you out of this house right now!"

"Fair enough" I replied. "I'll fetch the suitcase from the van."

[Dover KUMB fan]

I was interviewed by the police last night.
I answered every question with 'No Comment'.
They rang this morning, I didn't get the job

[Bamber Gascoigne]

Jokes are only funny in a communist state if everyone gets them.

[Hammer.CA]

'One man's meat is another man's poison' as my dear old dad used to say.

A lovely bloke but a wildly inconsistent butcher.

[Sauce!]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:
"Too late, I've already started the paperwork."

[swisstony]

If you challenge Death to a pillow fight, you best be ready for the reaper cushions.

[Tenbury]

If you challenge Death to a pillow fight, you best be ready for the reaper cushions.

Dreadfull and brilliant.

[V-M]

If you challenge Death to a pillow fight, you best be ready for the reaper cushions.

Brilliant!

[Haarlemammer]

Just had two police officers at my front door
They asked me the following questions.
"Are you familiar with the letters HB"?
I said, "No I'm not"
"How about LS"?
"No"
"What about JD"?
I said, hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something'?
"No Sir, these are just initial enquiries...

[pablo jaye]

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...

The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.

[Hammer.CA]

Local police are investigating a serious assault on a man last night who was beaten about the head with a power drill.
When interviewed the victim said “I was just walking along the street minding my own business and the next thing I knew, Bosch”

[Sauce!]

Just had some bad news about my Uncle Terry... he is convinced that he's a chocolate orange.

We are thinking of having him sectioned.

[-DL-]

Went to my local Vietnamese restaurant last night. There was a sign on the door saying no dogs. I guess they must have been waiting for a delivery.

[djbubbles]

Teacher to class. Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?
Little Paddy sticks up his hand and spurts out Trudy Glen

Teacher says, no its not. The correct answer is Maid Marian.

Little Paddy. But teacher, sing the song. Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glen

[Sauce!]

Due to the recent cold weather schools are advising parents to wear two pairs of pyjamas when picking up their children.