The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Anything goes in The Snug, the GD's rebellious little brother. An off-topic den of iniquity for non-football/news related musings.

Moderators: bristolhammerfc, sicknote, -DL-, Rio, Gnome, chalks, the pink palermo

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Wed Aug 02, 2017 3:41 pm

The other day I took my granddad to one of those spa places where a tank full of little fish eat all your dead skin.

Cost me nearly £50, but it was still cheaper than a funeral.
User avatar
Sauce!
 
Posts: 5178
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 9:47 pm
Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby pablo jaye on Thu Aug 03, 2017 6:51 am

Why did the baker have brown hands?

He kneaded a poo!

... gets coat and scuttles off!!
User avatar
pablo jaye
 
Posts: 5620
Joined: Fri Mar 11, 2005 7:08 pm
Location: Underwhelmingly underwhelmed!

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby -DL- on Thu Aug 03, 2017 3:54 pm

Tragic news from the Nestle factory today as a worker was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolates.

He tried in vain to get help but every time he shouted, "The milky bars are on me!!", his fellow workmates just cheered.
User avatar
-DL-
Match thread guru
 
Posts: 17818
Joined: Fri Dec 05, 2008 8:43 am
Location: Biting my tongue so hard it's starting to bleed.

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Thu Aug 03, 2017 4:28 pm

-DL- wrote:Tragic news from the Nestle factory today as a worker was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolates.

He tried in vain to get help but every time he shouted, "The milky bars are on me!!", his fellow workmates just cheered.



:D
User avatar
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 16640
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Kumb along for the craic

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Fri Aug 04, 2017 10:02 pm

Browsing through ebay and saw someone had listed a bottle of Chinese Tippex.

The seller reckons its a corrector's item.
User avatar
Bamber Gascoigne
 
Posts: 3700
Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2003 7:12 pm
Location: 51° 31′ 55″ N, 0° 2′ 22″ E

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby badgermax on Wed Aug 09, 2017 1:04 pm

At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl
behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour
and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her
to make arrangements.

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said,
"Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".

I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!”

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the
shoulder and said, "What she really said was: 666136429.
badgermax
 
Posts: 777
Joined: Sun Jan 09, 2011 10:20 pm

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby -DL- on Thu Aug 10, 2017 8:25 am

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".
User avatar
-DL-
Match thread guru
 
Posts: 17818
Joined: Fri Dec 05, 2008 8:43 am
Location: Biting my tongue so hard it's starting to bleed.

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Thu Aug 10, 2017 9:01 am

It's my Scouse nephew's birthday today.
So as a surprise, I put a £20 note in his Nan's purse
User avatar
Dover KUMB fan
 
Posts: 2600
Joined: Fri Nov 27, 2009 9:33 am

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Wed Aug 16, 2017 7:45 am

Jesus performed his first miracle at the wedding feast of Cana. They were running out of wine and Jesus asked them to bring him 10 containers of water.

Jesus did his stuff and tuned the water into wine thus saving the day.

His dad Joseph went a bit overboard on this best tasting wine ever and ended up three sheets to the wind.

Next morning Joseph awoke with the worst hangover in history, he could barely move in the bed.

He shouts to Mary downstairs:

" Mary.. Mary...bring me up a big cup of water and for fecks sake keep that young fella away from it "
User avatar
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 16640
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Kumb along for the craic

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Burningaham on Fri Aug 18, 2017 12:46 pm

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the live dishes of the day.

The Waiter leads him over to a large tank, and the man examines the fish.
"I'll have the little green squid - the one in the corner with the hairy lip, please" says the man.

"O.K." replies the Waiter and calls out "Gervais!!" A little French chef appears with a large knife, the Waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices the sad look on its face.

Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the Waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.
"Sir", says the Waiter, "this is Hans, our dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher catches the squid, and wielding a huge rolling pin is just about to bludgeon the little green fella with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the Waiter, "it just goes to show. Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid."
User avatar
Burningaham
 
Posts: 2393
Joined: Fri May 06, 2005 1:13 pm
Location: watchin you, watchin us, watchin them.

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby DoubleDave on Fri Aug 18, 2017 3:35 pm

Bravo :D
User avatar
DoubleDave
 
Posts: 2355
Joined: Wed Mar 16, 2005 3:01 pm
Location: Slough

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Rocketron on Fri Aug 18, 2017 7:34 pm

Burningaham wrote:A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the live dishes of the day.

The Waiter leads him over to a large tank, and the man examines the fish.
"I'll have the little green squid - the one in the corner with the hairy lip, please" says the man.

"O.K." replies the Waiter and calls out "Gervais!!" A little French chef appears with a large knife, the Waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices the sad look on its face.

Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the Waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.
"Sir", says the Waiter, "this is Hans, our dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher catches the squid, and wielding a huge rolling pin is just about to bludgeon the little green fella with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the Waiter, "it just goes to show. Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid."

I remember that from Noel Edmonds on Radio 1 circa 1974. 8-)
User avatar
Rocketron
 
Posts: 11106
Joined: Fri Aug 06, 2004 7:45 pm
Location: Slaven To The Rhythym

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Sat Aug 19, 2017 12:50 am

Burningaham wrote:A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the live dishes of the day.

The Waiter leads him over to a large tank, and the man examines the fish.
"I'll have the little green squid - the one in the corner with the hairy lip, please" says the man.

"O.K." replies the Waiter and calls out "Gervais!!" A little French chef appears with a large knife, the Waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices the sad look on its face.

Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the Waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.
"Sir", says the Waiter, "this is Hans, our dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher catches the squid, and wielding a huge rolling pin is just about to bludgeon the little green fella with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the Waiter, "it just goes to show. Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid."


That was a bit hairy fairy :D
User avatar
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 16640
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Kumb along for the craic

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Haarlemammer on Mon Aug 21, 2017 3:08 pm

I just purchased a 5 litre bottle of Tippex..
Huge mistake.
User avatar
Haarlemammer
 
Posts: 188
Joined: Wed May 27, 2015 3:44 pm
Location: Globetrotting

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Eggs'n'nuts on Mon Aug 21, 2017 3:38 pm

Bloke knocks on the door of a B&B. Landlady answers and he says to her, "I want to stay here".
"Well stay there then", she replied, and shut the door on him!
User avatar
Eggs'n'nuts
 
Posts: 553
Joined: Mon Oct 14, 2013 5:10 pm

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Mon Aug 21, 2017 5:33 pm

Magician on a cruise ship is constantly having his tricks spoilt by the ships parrot, every time he does a trick the parrot shouts it's in his pocket, 4 of clubs, it's got a false bottom! The magician hates it. That night the ship sinks and him and the parrot cling to a piece of drift wood, for 4 days the parrot says **** all and just stares at him- On the ifith day the parrot says o.k I give up where's the f*cking ship gone.
Hammer.CA
 
Posts: 814
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 11:37 pm

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby -DL- on Mon Aug 21, 2017 7:39 pm

A bloke goes in to a pet shop and spots a Claret and Blue Cockney Parrot. He offers the pet shop owner £50 and the owner takes it.

"Be warned" said the chap behind the counter. "This bird thinks he's a real tough nut - and he won't stop telling you so"

The bloke buys him anyway, but eventually the bloke gets sick of it saying, "I'm West Ham and I'm hard as ****!"

"I'll show this parrot who's hard" thought the owner, and he puts a Kestrel in its cage.

Next morning, he finds the Kestrel dead at the bottom of the cage, torn to shreds.

The parrot says to him, "I'm West Ham and I'm hard as ****!"

So, the following day the bloke puts a Golden Eagle in the cage.

The next morning, the same thing happens. He finds the Eagle dead and torn to shreds, only this time, the Parrot has no feathers.

The owner says to the parrot, "****ing hell, the shop-keeper was right - you are a tough nut - but at least the eagle gave you a run for your money this time"

"Nah" said the Parrott, "I took my coat off for this one"
User avatar
-DL-
Match thread guru
 
Posts: 17818
Joined: Fri Dec 05, 2008 8:43 am
Location: Biting my tongue so hard it's starting to bleed.

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Tue Aug 22, 2017 9:21 am

Vegans think people who sell meat are disgusting, but those who sell vegetables are grocer.


Whenever someone says I don't believe in coincidences, I say "Oh My God! Me neither!"
User avatar
vietnammer
Bucky the beaver
 
Posts: 23755
Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2002 3:31 am
Location: In the flat-roof pub next to the bookies

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Toulouse_Iron on Tue Aug 22, 2017 10:09 am

vietnammer wrote:Vegans think people who sell meat are disgusting, but those who sell vegetables are grocer.


Whenever someone says I don't believe in coincidences, I say "Oh My God! Me neither!"

very good sir
User avatar
Toulouse_Iron
The boy's got form
 
Posts: 6388
Joined: Fri Jan 24, 2003 2:07 pm
Location: A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth can get its pants on

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Tue Aug 22, 2017 11:31 am

I'm looking to re-home a dog. It's a little terrier, likes to be outside and barks a lot.
Anybody who wants him let me know and I'll jump over the neighbours fence and get him for you.
Hammer.CA
 
Posts: 814
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 11:37 pm

PreviousNext

Return to The Snug

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 7 guests