The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby uptonparkhurst on Tue Aug 22, 2017 11:38 am

Q: How many rock-band sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,2. 1,2.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Tue Aug 22, 2017 12:13 pm

A bloke went to his doctor complaining of something stuck up his backside.

The doctor got him to strip and put him on the couch face down to investigate.

The doctor noticed something sticking out of the man's ****hole so he got a tweezers and carefully pulled out a 50 pound note. He carried on and pulled out another and another and within half an hour had extracted
1999 pounds and 65 pence.

The bloke got dressed and said to the doctor " Thanks Doctor I knew I didn't feel too grand "
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby pablo jaye on Tue Aug 22, 2017 6:00 pm

Shamelessly pulled from a BBC report on the best jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe ....

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin
8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby badabing on Tue Aug 22, 2017 6:56 pm

Out of all those the land mine and chameleon ones were the only ones to even make me smile, maybe I'm a miserable git. Don't think I'll be buying tickets!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Tristan Shout on Wed Aug 23, 2017 7:42 am

I just bought a top of the range Rolls Royce, but the budget didn't cover a driver.

So i spent all that money and i've got nothing to chauffeur it
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Wed Aug 23, 2017 10:34 am

Tristan Shout wrote:I just bought a top of the range Rolls Royce, but the budget didn't cover a driver.

So i spent all that money and i've got nothing to chauffeur it

:lol: Just hit the funny bone that one!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Wed Aug 23, 2017 12:02 pm

Tristan Shout wrote:I just bought a top of the range Rolls Royce, but the budget didn't cover a driver.

So i spent all that money and i've got nothing to chauffeur it



Oh I say :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Wed Aug 23, 2017 12:08 pm

Our local priest was telling me how he raised almost a hundred quid for Children in Need last week.

He let some local kids shave his hair off.

"It feels a bit strange" he told me "but it really makes my cock look a lot bigger don't you think?"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby don't burst my bubble on Wed Aug 23, 2017 9:13 pm

Sauce! wrote:Our local priest was telling me how he raised almost a hundred quid for Children in Need last week.

He let some local kids shave his hair off.

"It feels a bit strange" he told me "but it really makes my cock look a lot bigger don't you think?"


Best one for a long time, not sure who i can share it with though :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Thu Aug 24, 2017 8:20 am

Bad news is the hamster's dead. Good news is that it's soft, clean and smells like a spring meadow
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Thu Aug 24, 2017 10:46 am

Went to the sperm clinic earlier.

The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup?

I said "I'm good but not ready for competitions yet"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby somerset-hammer on Thu Aug 24, 2017 10:52 am

Image
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby woodgreenspur on Thu Aug 24, 2017 3:08 pm

Did you know that

In Trinidad and Tobago it will cost you £2.50 for a steak pie, in Jamaica it will cost you £3.00.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean...




And apparently they get Dearer Nightly.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Paddy O'Hammer on Thu Aug 24, 2017 11:13 pm

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall... On the condition he gets to install windows.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby OFT on Fri Aug 25, 2017 6:48 pm

Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married The reception was fantastic.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby hammerdivone on Fri Aug 25, 2017 10:39 pm

Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:Went to the sperm clinic earlier.

The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup?

I said "I'm good but not ready for competitions yet"


****ing hell I've got tears rolling down my cheeks Image

Image
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sloffy on Sat Aug 26, 2017 10:39 pm

A man sees a sign outside a house " Talking Dog for sale ".

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a lovely black Labrador retriever sitting there. " Do you really talk ?" he asks the dog. " Yes " the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog speak, the man asks " So, tell me your story"

The Labrador looks up and says " Well, I discovered I could talk when I was really young. I wanted to help the government so I joined the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no-one imagined a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for 8 years, but the jetting around really tired me out. so I decided to settle down and get a job closer to home. I signed up for a job at Heathrow doing some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters, listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings, and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and nowadays, I'm just retired "

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten Quid" says the owner. The man is astounded " £10?.........But this dog is absolutely amazing. Why on earth would you be selling him so cheaply? "

" Because he's a lying ****............... he's never been out of the garden"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Mon Aug 28, 2017 12:26 pm

Jesus at the last supper.
He picks up the bread, blesses it and breaks it.
"This is my body, eat this in remembrance of me"
He then picks up the jug of wine. "This is my blood of the new covenant. Drink this in remembrance of me.
He then picks up a jug of milk.
Peter stops him and says:
"You can feck right off!!!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby West Ham Dave on Tue Aug 29, 2017 1:43 pm

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass wind
The music was really, really loud, so I timed each release with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I felt much better.
As I finished my coffee, I noticed that everybody was staring in my direction !!!!

That's when it hit me, I was listening to my iPod.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Wed Aug 30, 2017 1:39 pm

I went to see the RED ARROWS yesterday.
There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.
It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in the end, my missus finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show.
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