The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby OFT on Thu Aug 31, 2017 5:33 pm

I've not said a word to my missus for nearly 2 years...well it's rude to interrupt.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Thu Aug 31, 2017 8:32 pm

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was." The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Forever Moore on Fri Sep 01, 2017 5:27 pm

Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:Went to the sperm clinic earlier.

The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup?

I said "I'm good but not ready for competitions yet"


Bloody hilarious that is :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby kayahammer on Tue Sep 05, 2017 7:56 am

I haven't slept for ten days...

That would be way too long.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Tue Sep 05, 2017 8:05 am

The transfer window has now closed.

Many Liverpool fans will be disappointed that they didn't get Bale....

They'll be back in court again on Monday to try again.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby kayahammer on Tue Sep 05, 2017 8:22 am

My epileptic son started having a fit in the bath. "Run and get the washing," my wife says. "Save me putting a load on tomorrow."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Tue Sep 05, 2017 8:48 am

My granddad is a Battle of Britain veteran.

In one day he downed 12 Heinkel bombers and five Messerschmitt 109s.

He was the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Whufc06 on Tue Sep 05, 2017 12:54 pm

My missus said that ever since me and my mate have had our new walkie talkies I've been acting like a big kid.

"If you dont stop using that thing and grow up this relationship is over" she said.

"This relationship is what? Over" I replied.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Tue Sep 05, 2017 8:42 pm

^ :lol:

I have a similar problem with the missus and her attitute over my perceived immaturity.

She has even suggested that we go to some counselling sessions.

Like that's going to happen in conker season.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Eggs'n'nuts on Tue Sep 05, 2017 9:34 pm

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my a**e!
Do you think I should change dentists?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Eggs'n'nuts on Tue Sep 05, 2017 9:36 pm

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my electric guitar.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Paddy O'Hammer on Tue Sep 05, 2017 11:15 pm

A man is washing his car with his son when the boy goes, "Dad, can't we use a sponge?"


An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”
“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Sí.”
“Ja.”


For when you're driving by a cemetery:
"Did you know that the people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried here?"
"Why?"
"Because they're still alive."

Knock knock-
Who's there?
Owls
Owls who?
Yes they do!

Guy goes into a bar with a giraffe, the giraffe falls asleep on the floor, next guy comes in and says, "Hey, what's that lyin' on the floor?"
Bartender says, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

"What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?"
Victim: "ARRRRRRRR!"
In a pirate voice: " No, it's actually the C!"

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh...

To the guy who stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.

How many immature people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
69.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby kayahammer on Fri Sep 08, 2017 11:03 pm

If anyone takes the piss out of my new hair piece,

they'll be hell toupee
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby kayahammer on Sat Sep 09, 2017 7:02 am

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house.
Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to.
But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby West Ham Dave on Tue Sep 12, 2017 10:05 pm

One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Thu Sep 14, 2017 3:19 pm

A bloke goes to marriage counselling with his flat-chested wife. The therapist asks "What appears to be the problem?" to which the husband blurts out "Well, Dolly ****ing Parton here reckons I'm too sarcastic...!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby kayahammer on Sat Sep 16, 2017 2:54 am

This is my step ladder.

I never knew my real ladder
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Paddy O'Hammer on Mon Sep 18, 2017 9:44 am

Somebody drove past me on a tractor yelling "The end of the world is nigh!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Burningaham on Mon Sep 18, 2017 8:29 pm

John was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

'When John returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

'That's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?

'John nodded: 'I'll tell you what though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day.

''You mean from the hunger?' asked the doctor.

'No, from all that skipping!'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Mon Sep 18, 2017 11:32 pm

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said "Can u describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"
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