The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[Sauce!]

I was walking a girl home through the park after spending a fortune on her all night.

"When we get to your place, am I coming in for a coffee?" I asked her.

"No, you're not." she said. "If your plan was to wine and dine me in exchange for sex, you can think again."

"If you didn't like that plan," I said, looking around, "you're gonna hate my plan B."

[Hugh Jargon]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".

[Bamber Gascoigne]

I phoned the wife from A&E earlier to tell her I'd had an accident while using the electric saw..

"I'm OK" I said "but unfortunately I've cut my one of my fingers off!"

"Oh my God!" exclaimed my Wife down the phone "Have you lost the whole finger?"

"No" I replied "Its the one next to it!"

[Westcliffspur]

My wife used to wear far too much foundation

Ironic really considering she's now under the patio.

[ageing hammer]

My wife used to wear far too much foundation

Ironic really considering she's now under the patio.

At least she got laid... finally

[Dover KUMB fan]

Apparently taking LSD is a great way to lose weight.
Obviously, you wont be eating when there is a dragon guarding the fridge.

[-DL-]

My mate told me he always cries after sex, and I thought to myself 'ha ha you big soft ****!!!'

Then I remembered....... He's in prison....

[westham,eggyandchips]

Did you hear about the dyslexic Ku Klux Klansman?

He went around killing gingers.

Could be related to the dyslexic pimp........he bought a warehouse.

[cambridge hammer]

I was in the paper shop this morning when I noticed some young kids sneakily stealing chocolate by shoving it in their jackets whilst the the newsagent's head was turned. The elder kid really had a lot of twix up his sleeve.

[Dover KUMB fan]

Someone just smacked around the head with a power drill.
I was just stood there minding my own business, then suddenly "Bosch"

[ageing hammer]

Eggy

[Bamber Gascoigne]

Went to the Doctors earlier as the tennis elbow I've suffered with since I was a teenager has flared up again.

The Doctor took a look before she asked "How old were you when it first started?"

To which I replied "15 love"........

[Greatest Cockney Rip Off]

Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain?




It's too wet to woo.

[Georgee Paris]

like that - stolen!!

[freelander]

This is not mine (origin unknown)

Son: Hey Dad, I've gotta new job!

Dad: That's good lad - what are you going to be doing?

Son: I'm going to work for Cunard

Dad: 'That's the spirit - I'm sure you will - never doubted you for a second , thanks for your reassurance, but could we have less of this swearing and bragging - you don't start till next week' :lol:

[cambridge hammer]

My mate did a runner from an Ethiopian restaurant once. He reckons they chased him for the best part of 15 miles.

[freelander]

I know this is a non racist joke thread

I don't think this particular observation is racist, but is funny.

But mods delete if required.

Didn't Confucius, the great philosopher, once say

'Woman who cooks carrots and peas (pees) in same pot - unhygienic' ?

Or did I make that up? :lol:

[WoodfordJnr]

I know this is a non racist joke thread

I don't think this particular observation is racist, but is funny.

But mods delete if required.

Didn't Confucius, the great philosopher, once say

'Woman who cooks carrots and peas (pees) in same pot - unhygienic' ?

Or did I make that up? :lol:

Also said:

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

[WoodfordJnr]

Confucius say: Men who put cream in tart, not always a baker.

[Tristan Shout]

My wife just walked into the living room wearing this new dress she just bought.
She said "well, what do you think?"
I said "yeah it's nice but your knickers are coming down"
She looked down and said "no their not"
I said "well the dress is going back then"