The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Sauce!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

Just nipped into a fancy dress shop to get a Dracula costume for halloween and the girl handed me a Liverpool top.

“I think you misheard me”, I said. “I want to look like a count"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Rocketron »

Before my operation, the anaesthetist asked how I would like to be knocked out.
Either by gas or hit on the head with a paddle.
It was an Ether/ Oar question.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

Paramedics has been sent to the London eye to deal with an unconscious man.
They said that he is coming round slowly
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

I walked passed the YMCA today, and there was a teenage boy sat outside stroking some feathers.

I said, "Young man, there's no need to feel down!"
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Post by Sauce! »

It's just been announced that McVities aren't making shortbread any longer.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by WHU_Del »

Just saw Sinead O'Connor out birdwatching.

Asked her if she'd seen much.

'It's been seven owls and fifteen jays...'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

A friend of mine has been in a bad way financially, he couldn't pay his water bill so it's been cut off.
I've sent him a Get Well Soon card.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce!", she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor with my f**ny " she said.

"Crikey!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl, I'll go across the road and get Frank"

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B" Frank said. "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?"

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank. "Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her t*ts.''

"Play with her t*ts"? Frank said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

“Jesus loves you”

Great to hear in a church.

Not so great in a Mexican jail cell.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by sussexhammer74 »

Me: There’s been a fire in Tesco.
Friend from Liverpool: Has there?
Me: No, Tesco.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Westcliffspur »

sussexhammer74 wrote:Me: There’s been a fire in Tesco.
Friend from Liverpool: Has there?
Me: No, Tesco.
Love this one. 10/10
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by badgermax »

I don't get it and I've been waiting all day for someone to ask first, but no one did and now it's got a 10/10 so I cant wait any longer.... can someone please explain?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

badgermax wrote:I don't get it and I've been waiting all day for someone to ask first, but no one did and now it's got a 10/10 so I cant wait any longer.... can someone please explain?
The way a scouser pronounces "has there?" sounds a bit like "Asda?".

Frankly, I'm not expecting anyone to repeat this one later.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?

I guess we’ll find out when the time comes.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

What do you get if you chuck a grand piano down a coal-shaft?

A flat minor.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Paddy O'Hammer »

Let's finish the day that's in it with one of the best bad dad jokes ever.......

Son: What rhymes with orange
Me: No it doesn't
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

The wife's sister knocked me out earlier, I was so f**king angry.
What sort of sick b*tch puts chloroform on her dirty knickers!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by DoubleDave »

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by DoubleDave »

Most people know that Charles Dickens' novels were published widely in serial format via various national publications.
It seems, however, that "A Tale of Two Cities" was released only through two regional newspapers.
Apparently - it was the Bicester Times and it was the Worcester Times.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

It's been a bit of a strange day.
First I found a hat full of money and then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar!
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