The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
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- Sauce!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
F - FACE: has it fallen on one side?
A - ARMS: can they raise them?
S - SPEECH: is it slurred?
T - TIME: to get her knickers off, the Rohypnol’s kicked in
A - ARMS: can they raise them?
S - SPEECH: is it slurred?
T - TIME: to get her knickers off, the Rohypnol’s kicked in
Last edited by Sauce! on Sun Jan 21, 2018 7:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
- Francoisvander or else
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
What's the difference between Abu Dhabi and Dubai TV.
Dubai don't show the Flintstones but "Abu Dhabi Do"
Dubai don't show the Flintstones but "Abu Dhabi Do"
- York Ham(mer)
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Theo Walcott to complete Everton move... no, he's blazed it wide.
- jevs
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A Man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful Woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The Woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The Woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the f**k do you want?'
'Ah ha!' he says
"Ryanair"
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The Woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The Woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the f**k do you want?'
'Ah ha!' he says
"Ryanair"
- ageing hammer
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- psychoscoredthelot
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Bloody Foreigner
coming over here demanding to know where love is !!!
coming over here demanding to know where love is !!!
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
One fine sunny morning, a priest took his normal walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.
"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.
"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."
"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"
"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."
"That's an incredible story." said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."
"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."
"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed .............. and that Your Honour is the case for my Defense
"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.
"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."
"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"
"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."
"That's an incredible story." said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."
"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."
"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed .............. and that Your Honour is the case for my Defense
- Tenbury
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- psychoscoredthelot
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
a young bloke goes onto stars in their eyes and is on crutches
Matthew Kelly says to him 'Simon, I understand there is a tragic story behind you being on crutches here tonight'.
Yes Matthew says Simon - i was in a car crash with my uncle and unfortunately he passed away at the hospital shortly afterwards, both of my legs were crushed beyond repair - however one of the doctors performed some groundbreaking surgery on me, whereby the amputated from the waist down and transplanted the lower half of my uncle onto my torso.
Matthew replies - thats amazing Simon
Simon tells Matthew that hes already had 6 months of physio and with a further 6 months should be able to throw away the crutches and walk on my uncles two feet.
Matthew says - thats such a happy ending to a tragic story and who are you going to be for us tonight ?
Simon says ' tonight matthew i am going to be .......
(wait for it)
Simon and half uncle
Matthew Kelly says to him 'Simon, I understand there is a tragic story behind you being on crutches here tonight'.
Yes Matthew says Simon - i was in a car crash with my uncle and unfortunately he passed away at the hospital shortly afterwards, both of my legs were crushed beyond repair - however one of the doctors performed some groundbreaking surgery on me, whereby the amputated from the waist down and transplanted the lower half of my uncle onto my torso.
Matthew replies - thats amazing Simon
Simon tells Matthew that hes already had 6 months of physio and with a further 6 months should be able to throw away the crutches and walk on my uncles two feet.
Matthew says - thats such a happy ending to a tragic story and who are you going to be for us tonight ?
Simon says ' tonight matthew i am going to be .......
(wait for it)
Simon and half uncle
- Monkeybubbles
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I was watching a really weird porno the other day that was just a fat man crying while staring into the screen and having a half-hearted J Arthur. Then I realised I hadn't turned the laptop on.
- vietnammer
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- vietnammer
- Bucky the beaver
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
If the number 666 is considered evil, does that mean 25.8069758 is the root of all evil??
-
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Went to a Robbie Williams concert night. I was sat next to an insurance salesman.
And through it all, he offered me protection
And through it all, he offered me protection
- Monkeybubbles
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
JerseyHammer wrote:Went to a Robbie Williams concert night. I was sat next to an insurance salesman.
And through it all, he offered me protection
**** me, I've become the joke police.Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:I sat next to an insurance salesmen at the Robbie Williams gig last night.
And through it all, he offered me protection...
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Ummm, yeah, I was, err, just making sure those that didn't read it the first time didn't miss out
- hammerdivone
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Would that be the Laughing Policeman?Monkeybubbles wrote:**** me, I've become the joke police.
- OFT
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Can't remember seeing this one, or much else to be honest, but I'm sure if it's been on before Monkeybubbs will remember
Elvis Presley drags himself out of the swimming pool for the umpteenth time in the day,
Whatever's the matter with you? asked Priscilla.
I can't help falling in, love, He replied
Elvis Presley drags himself out of the swimming pool for the umpteenth time in the day,
Whatever's the matter with you? asked Priscilla.
I can't help falling in, love, He replied