The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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freelander
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by freelander »

cambridge hammer wrote:My mate did a runner from an Ethiopian restaurant once. He reckons they chased him for the best part of 15 miles.
I think that's Haile likely :thup:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Rocketron »

[quote="freelander"]This is not mine (origin unknown)

Son: Hey Dad, I've gotta new job!

Dad: That's good lad - what are you going to be doing?

Son: I'm going to work for Cunard

Dad: 'That's the spirit - I'm sure you will - never doubted you for a second , thanks for your reassurance, but could we have less of this swearing and bragging - you don't start till next week' /quote]
I had to imagine a scouse accent for this one. :thup:
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freelander
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by freelander »

freelander wrote:I had to imagine a scouse accent for this one
Iz rite kidda la - your best possible scouse accent is best when telling that joke!

It just works, especially when saying 'for Cunard'

Otherwise it can quite easily fall flat on it's ass

:thup:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Bamber Gascoigne »

I went to my GP earlier to see if there was anything he could do about the mole on the end of my cock.

He said he could remove it there and then - but not until he'd phoned both the Police and the RSPCA.......
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freelander
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by freelander »

Daughter comes to see her dad to discuss her coursework at Uni

Daughter - Hey Dad, been learning all about 70's fashion!

Dad - sounds good, find out anything interesting?

Daughter - Yeh, apparently in the 70's you could buy a pair of 'loons'

Dad - That's right luv, you can actually still buy 'em now you know.

Daughter - Wow ! where? - been searching the web for days

Dad - Just ring the White House, they may claim they don't know what you are talking about, but then ask to be put through to either D Trump or M Pence, and don't put up with any nonsense,

I know for a fact that there are definitely a pair in there.

Daughter – OK, but what do I do if they tell me that Trump or Pence are not there, what then?

Dad – simple, ring the Russian Embassy, I’m sure they will confirm they bought a pair of loons about 18 months ago and know exactly where to find them, and take it from there – let me know how you get on!

PS: If you do phone the WH and someone answers by the name of Sean or Sarah, believe me you will be better off talking to the embassy directly, I've seen your mobile phone bills. :D
Hammer.CA
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

I've just been to my doctor, he really is fantastic. I told him I kept thinking I was a side of bacon, he took one look at me and told me I was cured.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

My girlfriend is very short and she gets fed up of me making fun of her height.

So tonight I'm going to make it up to her.

I've got a good bottle of wine and a DVD box set of her favorite TV show.

When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favorite takeaway which we'll sit and eat while we drink the wine and watch the DVDs.

Then afterwards I'm going to go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
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Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

This might be of interest to some of you.
The price of pies.
In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can buy two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

Those my friends are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean..
:oops:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by jevs »

Dover...that is bloody brilliant :scarfer:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

:thup: Nicked
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by OFT »

I spent the afternoon watching chickens running around their coops...it was poultry in motion
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

There's no pleasing some people.
The wife asked me if her Appendix scar made her look unattractive. Apparently
"Don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't what she wanted to hear.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

The wife was trying to be sexy last night.

She was lying on the bed sliding a lollipop in and out of her fanny and then licking it

"Steady love", I said, "You'll need that in the morning to see the kids across the road!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by West Ham Dave »

TEA is an evil substance far more dangerous than BEER
I discovered this when I had 14 pints down the pub last night and got home about 3am, the wife had stayed at home drinking TEA all evening.
You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got home, I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed while she shouted horrible abuse at me all night and even carried it on today.
So please Ladies, if you can’t handle your TEA, don’t drink it.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

I got into an argument with a dwarf today after I accidentally walked into him.

He was shouting at me, saying, 'You f&cking tosser, watch where you're going' etc.

I was going to say something back, but decided to be the bigger man.
Last edited by Sauce! on Thu Jul 06, 2017 4:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by sussexhammer74 »

I lost out on one question in the pub quiz last night. Where do women have the curliest hair. Apparently Fiji was the correct answer.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

My doctor gave me some suppositories for my constipation.

He told me to put them in my back passage.

I put them in my back passage, my front passage, the lounge, the kitchen, even in the attic but nothing happened.

To be honest for all the good they did me I may have well have shoved them up my arrsehole.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Bamber Gascoigne »

Two whales (a male and a female) were swimming just off of the Japanese coast when they noticed a whaling ship.

To his horror and anger, the male saw that it as the very same ship that had harpooned and killed his father, mother and siblings many years earlier.

He told the female about what had happened and screamed "This is the moment I have waited all my life for. Lets swim under their ship and with all our might expel air with such force from our blowholes that the ship keels over and sinks."

This they did and indeed the ship did capsize and quickly sank below the surface.

The male was overjoyed and crashed his tail across the surface, but then saw that the sailors had survived and were swimming to the shore and safety.

"Look" he cried "they must not escape. Follow me, we will scoop them up and fill our insides with them".

The female slammed on the anchors and cried "Now hold on a minute - I went along with the blow job, but as you well know, I do NOT swallow seamen......."

Image
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

My friend has a small man complex and he makes everyone there dress like Oompa Loompas.
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