The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
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- Paddy O'Hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
*WARNING*
If you receive an email with the subject line 'Two free tickets for the next Republic of Ireland home game'
DON'T OPEN IT******
It contains two free tickets for the next Republic of Ireland home game.
If you receive an email with the subject line 'Two free tickets for the next Republic of Ireland home game'
DON'T OPEN IT******
It contains two free tickets for the next Republic of Ireland home game.
- Paddy O'Hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
You b*stard....now I'm offended!!!!!Paddy O'Hammer wrote:*WARNING*
If you receive an email with the subject line 'Two free tickets for the next Republic of Ireland home game'
DON'T OPEN IT******
It contains two free tickets for the next Republic of Ireland home game.
Oh wait.................
- vietnammer
- Bucky the beaver
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- Greatest Cockney Rip Off
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Was walking round Stratford the other day and saw a West Ham season ticket nailed to a telegraph pole. I thought to myself - "I'm having that!" - let's face it, you can never have too many nails.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at B & Q and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the market and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the market he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to Church Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to the lane I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Jesus lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
On the way home he stopped at B & Q and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the market and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the market he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to Church Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to the lane I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Jesus lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
- West Ham Dave
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A young lady on an international flight, asked the priest sitting beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?”
“Of course you may, What can I do for you?”
“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits & I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me.
Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs under your robes for me?'
“I would love to help you, but I must warn you - I will not lie.”
“But with your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her.
The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”
“Of course you may, What can I do for you?”
“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits & I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me.
Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs under your robes for me?'
“I would love to help you, but I must warn you - I will not lie.”
“But with your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her.
The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”
- Samba
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- Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A little boy asks his dad:
"Dad, what is the difference between confident and confidential?"
The old man replies: "Well you are my son, of that I am confident. Your best mate Billy next door is also my son, but that is confidential"
"Dad, what is the difference between confident and confidential?"
The old man replies: "Well you are my son, of that I am confident. Your best mate Billy next door is also my son, but that is confidential"
- Clacton-ammer
- Sultan of Swing
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I got that one for West ham, the Irish joke I find funny....Paddy O'Hammer wrote:*WARNING*
If you receive an email with the subject line 'Two free tickets for the next Republic of Ireland home game'
DON'T OPEN IT******
It contains two free tickets for the next Republic of Ireland home game.
Teacher to class "what does your dad do at the weekends"?
Little boy "he's a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the moneys right he lets punters bang his arse and shoot their load in his mouth"
Teacher takes him outside "is that true?"
Little boy "no miss, it's bollax, he goes to watch West Ham but I'm too embarrassed to say"
- York Ham(mer)
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Astronaut 1: Hi mate, I can’t find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I went to the Butchers yesterday and bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said 'the steaks are too high!'
He said 'the steaks are too high!'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Went to the doc with a four inch pipe sticking out of my head.
He said it’s the worst case of flue he’d seen in a long time...
He said it’s the worst case of flue he’d seen in a long time...
- Greatest Cockney Rip Off
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
My wife suggested a little role play last night, and dressed up as a nurse
I didn't realise how realistic it would be.
I've been sat waiting for her in the hallway now since 2am.....
I didn't realise how realistic it would be.
I've been sat waiting for her in the hallway now since 2am.....
- vietnammer
- Bucky the beaver
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Two desperate geezers stuck in the desert.
No, it's not a mirage, it's a Mosque. They'll help us! Look, I'll be Ali and you be Mohammed.
Nah. They might get the hump, I'll just say Steve
Imam greets them
I'm Ali.
Yeah well, I'm Steve
Imam goes: Welcome Steve, let us help you. There's plenty of food and some beer round the back
...and Ali, Ramadan Mobarak!
No, it's not a mirage, it's a Mosque. They'll help us! Look, I'll be Ali and you be Mohammed.
Nah. They might get the hump, I'll just say Steve
Imam greets them
I'm Ali.
Yeah well, I'm Steve
Imam goes: Welcome Steve, let us help you. There's plenty of food and some beer round the back
...and Ali, Ramadan Mobarak!
Last edited by vietnammer on Mon Sep 17, 2018 1:27 pm, edited 2 times in total.
- S-H
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:My wife suggested a little role play last night, and dressed up as a nurse
I didn't realise how realistic it would be.
I've been sat waiting for her in the hallway now since 2am.....
- Greatest Cockney Rip Off
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I went into a fancy dress hire shop and asked for a vampire outfit, the assistant came back with a full Man United kit.
I said “I think that you have misheard me love, I said that I want to look like a Count”.
I said “I think that you have misheard me love, I said that I want to look like a Count”.
- Puff Daddy
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Since what follows is actually a true story, it cannot be branded either racist, or a crap joke!
It is something. I remember reading in a newspaper around 10 years ago. On a bus in Birmingham City centre, up on the top deck, sat one single, solitary white man sitting amongst a whole load of black people. After a couple of stops, another white guy stepped on and made his way up to the top deck of the bus, sat down next to him and greeted him with" Mr Livingstone I presume? " The guy turned round to him looking astonished and said" How did you know my name "?
It is something. I remember reading in a newspaper around 10 years ago. On a bus in Birmingham City centre, up on the top deck, sat one single, solitary white man sitting amongst a whole load of black people. After a couple of stops, another white guy stepped on and made his way up to the top deck of the bus, sat down next to him and greeted him with" Mr Livingstone I presume? " The guy turned round to him looking astonished and said" How did you know my name "?
- Tenbury
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Sadly he would have to have been educated to doctorate level for that to work , and as most of the population of Birmingham would struggle to print their name , I'm not buying it.
- Happyhammer52
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Two dogs sitting in the living room.
1st Dog: "Want to hear a good joke?"
2nd Dog: "Yeh, sure. Go for it."
1st Dog: "Knock Kno..."
2nd Dog: "WOOF!WOOF!WOOF!WOOF!WOOF!"
1st Dog: "Want to hear a good joke?"
2nd Dog: "Yeh, sure. Go for it."
1st Dog: "Knock Kno..."
2nd Dog: "WOOF!WOOF!WOOF!WOOF!WOOF!"