The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[Westcliffspur]

According to recent scientific studies it's possible that all marine life will be extinct by the year 2050.
Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

[Westcliffspur]

Have you noticed that for someone who doesn't yet know how to fight babies don't half stare a lot?

[Greatest Cockney Rip Off]

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked, "Can you perform under pressure?"

"I'm not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!" He replied

[Rocketron]

All of Jack Dee’s children are bright, but Ellie is the brightest.

Nicking that one.

I still don't get it. I assume it's a pun but I don't know how.

[Algarve Hammer]

I still don't get it. I assume it's a pun but I don't know how.

Ellie Dee = LED = Light emitting diode.

[Rocketron]

I still don't get it. I assume it's a pun but I don't know how.

Ellie Dee = LED = Light emitting diode.

[Monkeybubbles]

I really hoped I'd put all this behind me. March 23rd, 2018....

I had a job interview yesterday, & I was asked what my qualities are.

I said "I can perform under pressure"

"Thats good" said the bloke, "Can you give me an example?"

I replied:
Mm ba ba de
Um bum ba de
Um bu bu bum da de
Pressure pushing down on me.

[Greatest Cockney Rip Off]

I really hoped I'd put all this behind me. March 23rd, 2018....

[Barking Boy]

Got attacked by 3 men last night

Managed to knock one out.

Probably not the best time to have a ****, but hey-ho, I enjoyed it

[S-H]

Rocketron

[Tenbury]

Got attacked by 3 men last night

Managed to knock one out.

Probably not the best time to have a ****, but hey-ho, I enjoyed it

nicked.

[Dover KUMB fan]

Glad to be the original poster of a gag this time round

[Sauce!]

I said to my mate, "My girlfriend keeps asking me if I'm an Alice in Wonderland character, and it's getting very annoying”.

"Are you mad at her?" he asked.

“Don't you start!"

[Dover KUMB fan]

I've just seen a blind dog in the street shagging a cabbage.
Poor thing, probably thinks its a collie.

[ageing hammer]

[Hammer.CA]

Never let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do.
Just look at Beethoven, everyone told him that he would never be a musician just because he was deaf.
But did he listen?

[Hammer.CA]

I got hit by a rental car today.
F**king Hertz!

[Sauce!]

I just used the vcuum clener on my keybord. Brillint.

[Dover KUMB fan]

The checkout girl in Tesco this morning had shockingly bad teeth. She smiled at me over the barcode reader, & it came up as a set of saucepans.

[Dover KUMB fan]

I thought I saw the first British superhero earlier on in Liverpool. There was a man running really fast down the road wearing a cape.
Turns out the cheeky scouse git hadn't paid for his haircut.