The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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The Collector
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by The Collector »

Cockneyboy311 wrote:That would work much better if she was alive.
Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:errr ... she is alive :think:
Perhaps he’s thinking of Des? Surely he can’t be around?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

He still is :D

I think he is thinking about Delores O'Riordan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

Just saw a husband and wife having a big old row at the Co-Op. In the end she got so annoyed she picked up a big bottle of fabric conditioner and threw it at him. It was a bad throw, though, and it sailed by him and only missed my head by a couple of inches. I suspect the brand was Lenor because it was too close for Comfort.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Monkeybubbles wrote:Just saw a husband and wife having a big old row at the Co-Op. In the end she got so annoyed she picked up a big bottle of fabric conditioner and threw it at him. It was a bad throw, though, and it sailed by him and only missed my head by a couple of inches. I suspect the brand was Lenor because it was too close for Comfort.
Class :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by WHU_Del »

It's 1959 in a small town in middle America, and Brad has arrived to pick up Tammy for their date.
He knocks on the door, and Tammy's father opens it.
'Oh, hello Sir! I'm here to collect Tammy for our date.'
'Well then, Brad. Hope you will look after my daughter. What are you going to do tonight?'
'I thought we'd go to the diner, for a burger and a mikshake, and then maybe to the bowling alley.'
'That sounds good. What about having a screw?'
Brad is momentarily speechless, but then splutters:
'S-s-sir, would that be OK? Does Tammy like that?'
'Sure! She loves to screw! Hell, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well Sir, I'm sure we could do that if you think she'd like it, and it would be all right with you.'
'Absolutely! She'll be so happy!'
At that moment, Tammy comes to the door, and her and Brad go to his car.
Twenty minutes later, the front door bursts open, a dishevelled Tammy storms in and marches up to her father.
...
'DAD! It's called TWIST! THE TWIST!'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

:lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

My grandparents names were Pearl and Dean.

We just called them grandma and grandpapapapapapapaa.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Suffolk Iron »

Went into the local shop tonight to buy a loaf of bread. £1.03 the surly teenager said.

I have her a £20 note.

Have you got any thing smaller? That will use up all my change. She asked.

Sorry, no, but I can pay by card if it helps I replied.

Sarcastically, she said Of course it would help.


As I presented my card, she muttered Cash Back.

I couldn't resist.

Yes please.

How much?

£18.97 I smiled.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

Hammer.CA wrote:My grandparents names were Pearl and Dean.

We just called them grandma and grandpapapapapapapaa.
:lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by West Ham Dave »

A Red Indian introduced me to he’s wife, Four Horses.
I said that’s an interesting name, why is she called that.
He said “F*****g Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza. I should have done it on aloha setting.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Cockneyboy311 »

ageing hammer wrote:^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

He still is :D

I think he is thinking about Delores O'Riordan
Ha! I could've sworn she had croaked it :lol: I must have been thinking of Delores.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Westcliffspur »

My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by hammerheadjim »

I went for a job interviw at IKEA.

The bloke said "Come in, make a seat."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by badgermax »

After finding 5 Mars bars, 3 Snickers, a Flake and a packet of M&M's, I'm starting to think I'm not cut out to be a Bounty hunter....
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by BalaamBoy »

^^^
That's found my level!

Thanks
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

A Quick Guide on "How to Fall Down Stairs":

Step 1

Step 6

Step 8, 9, 10, 11.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Mega Ron »

My best friend's wife had a right go at me the other night.

She's all like "you're a bad influence on him. He comes home and calls me all kinds of nasty things"

I asked her "did he call you an ugly, fat bitch?"

"No" was her reply.

I told her then it didnt come from me.
Last edited by Mega Ron on Wed Aug 22, 2018 9:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by WHU_Del »

WARNING: This is long, and probably not worth your while! :wink:

The circus is in real trouble. The crowds aren't coming any more, and if they can't sell out in this town, that'll be it.
The ringmaster puts up a big poster while they're setting up the Big Top, advertising for new acts.
A little while later, a chap come to see the ringmaster.
'I've got an act for you. You won't have seen anything like it in your life.'
'Really? What is it?'
'I can catch a cannonball in my teeth.'
'You mean catch a bullet?'
'No, an actual cannonball.'
'Wow. Well, if you can really do that, I'll put you on tonight.'
'You won't regret it!'

So the ringmaster gets the whole circus together, and they go on a big walk around the town, proclaiming The Man Who Will Catch A Cannonball In His Teeth! Posters go up, they've got the megaphones out, the whole lot.
An hour before showtime, the place is sold out! The press and TV are there, it's huge! The circus starts, the clowns, the trapeze, the strongman all do their bit to, well, indifference basically.
The ringmaster comes out. The lights go down and he is in the single spotlight.
'Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's the moment you've all been waiting for! Never seen before, it is time for The Man Who Will Catch A Cannonball In His Teeth!!!'
Out comes the fella, who stands on a podium on one side of the ring. The cannon is set up on the other side.
The ringmaster gets the crowd to count down from ten...

BANG!!! goes the cannon, the ball flies across the tent and hits the fella slap bang in the mush. He falls down flat, and doesn't move. Absolutely brown bread.
Of course, there's uproar, the crowd storm out, the press and TV are all over things. Negative publicity everywhere, that's it, the circus is going to be done for.

The emergency services arrive.
The paramedics check everything, and although he's very seriously hurt, the performer isn't dead. They put him in the ambulance and take him off to hospital.
The ringmaster feels so guilty. He goes to the hospital and sits by the man's bed every day
He's there for a year, every day come rain or shine.
One day, he sees the man's little finger move. He's conscious!
Little by little, he manages to lift his hand and beckon the ringmaster over to the bed. The ringmaster gets closer, and the guy keeps beckoning. The ringmaster is eventually bent down, with his face millimetres from the patient.
Slowly, ever so slowly, the performer takes off his oxygen mask, and in the smallest, tiniest voice that the ringmaster has ever heard, says:
v
v
v
v
'Ta-da!'
Last edited by WHU_Del on Wed Aug 22, 2018 11:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by carnage »

Chicken Run Supreme wrote:Sinead O'Connor will be singing at Barry Chuckle's funeral..................Nothing Compares 2 you 2 me
Reminded me of the Smashy ‘N Nicey sketch.

At 8 it’s Sinead O’Connor with Nothing Compares to you, and at 7 it’s U2 with Nothing Compares to Sinead O’Connor.
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