The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Bucks Hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Bucks Hammer »

I started interval training today....

I did pretty well I sold 3 programmes and 4 ice creams.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

An SS guard at a concentration camp is inspecting a line of prisoners when he hears a sneeze.
"Who sneezed?" he asks.
No one answers so he shoots five random prisoners.
"Who sneezed?"
No answer, so he shoots five more.
"Who sneezed?"
Still no answer so five more are gunned down.
"Who sneezed?"
An old man puts his hand up.
"Come here" says the guard.
The old man shuffles up.
"So, you sneezed eh?"
The old guy nods.
"Bless you”.
badgermax
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by badgermax »

A shetland pony goes into a bar and whispers 'I'd like a bucket of water and some hay please'.
The barman says, 'I'm sorry, I didn't hear that. Can you speak up?'
The shetland pony says, 'Afraid not, I'm a little hoarse.'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Samba »

Suppositories?
Might as well stick 'em up me arse for all the good they do..
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DM
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by DM »

Woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a Double Entendre...

...so the barman gives her one.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Georgee Paris »

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it must have been those c**** at the Post Office.
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WHU Independent
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by WHU Independent »

Mr Whippy was found dead today with a flake up his arse, raspberry jam all over his b*llocks and 100's and thousands all over his cock.

Police believe he may have topped himself.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by delbert »

DM wrote:Woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a Double Entendre...

...so the barman gives her one.
:thup:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

Apparently Wasps Rugby Club are starting up a B team.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said

"Have a good day, son."

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Puff Daddy »

US naval cadets are on command in the training ground when they are commanded to report on parade naked in order to toughen them up. The recruits think this a bit strange, but nevertheless, do as they are instructed to prevent punishment. They line up completely nude when the general walks up and down inspecting them. Then he stops, looking some guy in the eye, grabs his stomach, pinches, pulls it and tugs it and then asks...... that hurt? The man replies, no sir, the general then asks, why not? the man replies, commando sir. The general replies, good man, salutes him and marches on He then stops rather abruptly and looks another man in the eye. He grabs his arm, pulls it, tugs and wrenches it ands asks.... That hurt? the cadet replies, no sir, the general asks, why not? the cadet replies, commando sir. The general says, good man, salutes him and marches on. He walks on further down the line and then stops rather abruptly and looks a man up and down and then grabs his knob, pulls, it wrenches it and tugs it and then asks, that hurt ? The man replies, no sir. The general then asks, Why not ? the cadet replies, man behind sir
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ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Hammer.CA wrote:Apparently Wasps Rugby Club are starting up a B team.

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said

"Have a good day, son."

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by markmc »

A horse is in the pub having a few when he spots a donkey in the corner. He nips over to have a natter and the donkey asks, "What did you do for a living?"
The horse says, " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter",
The donkey says, "I worked with the kids on Blackpool beach" and then he asks, "Did you win anything?"
The horse says, "Yeah, on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”,
They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later and the donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything" ,
So he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace,
The horse arrives and says, "Lovely place you have here. And who's that in the picture on the wall?",
The donkey replies, "That's me, when I played for Juventus!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Tenbury »

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

I see the Spice Girls are playing at the Stadium of Light soon, you'd have to fancy them coming away with all 3 points.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"
"Rhino!" "We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
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don't burst my bubble
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by don't burst my bubble »

It's like being back in 1985 again :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

My missus had a right go at me earlier for treating her like a child.
So I gave her a gold sticker for standing up for herself.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by kayahammer »

I'm not saying she was fat or anything, but when we finished f***in, I rolled over three times and was still on top of her
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