The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[Greatest Cockney Rip Off]

Historians in Ireland have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest ever living man.
He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.

I just told my missus that joke and she called me a **** :shock:

[Greatest Cockney Rip Off]

I once saw a man teach his dog to play the trumpet on the train despite being in a silent carriage.

It was Barking to Tooting in about 3 stops

[Westcliffspur]

I once saw a man teach his dog to play the trumpet on the train despite being in a silent carriage.

It was Barking to Tooting in about 3 stops

Ha ha

[Westcliffspur]

A lonely widow decided it was time to get married again. She put an advert in the local newspaper:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked, 'Are you still good in bed?'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?

[Burningaham]

Cheese factory has exploded in France.

Nothing left but des Brie.

[vietnammer]

Heard about the Israeli dairy firm Cheeses of Nazareth?

[Monkeybubbles]

This year, we thought we'd get inflatable decorations for the Christmas tree. I'm forever blowing baubles.

[Puff Daddy]

A rabbi in a synagogue decides to do something a little different in order to improve and spice up his service. So, one week, he says to his parishioners," Right, this week, we are going to hold a raffle. First ticket drawn will win the third prize, second ticket drawn will win the second prize and third ticket drawn will win the first prize" Right!! and away we go!- First ticket out, therefore, winning the third prize, go's to Mr Joshua Mendoza. Well done Joshua. - You've won a top of the range Ferrari. " Second ticket out, therefore winning the second prize, go's to Mr Isaac Levi. Well done, Isaac, You've won a fruit cake. ". Looking appalled and disgusted at his prize, Isaac says. " A fruitcake, a measley fruitcake, third prize gets a ****ing top of the range Ferrari and second prize gets a poxy fruitcake? Why this sudden degradation in prizes?". The rabbi says " But don't you understand Isaac, this cake was baked by the rabbi's wife? " f*** the rabbi's wife, says Isaac, the rabbi says " You want the first prize as well ?

[badgermax]

Harry Redknapp reportedly earned £500,000 for his appearance on I’m A Celebrity, which after tax, works out as £500,000!

[Dover KUMB fan]

Breaking News!!
Irish animal rights activists have raided a turkey farm just outside Dublin. apparently, they got away with over 5000 birds.
A spokesman for the group said they will be releasing them back into the wild once they have defrosted.

[Dover KUMB fan]

A few years ago, John Denver came to our house & completed our household survey....
He filled out my Census

[Samba]

A few years ago, John Denver came to our house & completed our household survey....
He filled out my Census

Now, TOMoS once suggested that I was just making jokes up..

[Bamber Gascoigne]

Top 6 form guide:

Liverpool: WWWWW
Man City: WWWLW
Spurs: WLWWW
Chelsa: LWLWW
Arsenal: WWDWL
Man Utd: LMFAO

[Westcliffspur]

My Grandfather always said, “As one door closes another one opens”. He was a lovely man but a useless cabinet maker.

[Westcliffspur]

The other day a woman described me as a bit of a looker. Well, voyeur was actually the word she used.

[ereford ammer]

Top 6 form guide:

Liverpool: WWWWW
Man City: WWWLW
Spurs: WLWWW
Chelsa: LWLWW
Arsenal: WWDWL
Man Utd: LMFAO

[Dover KUMB fan]

Some guy on Facebook called Buster, keeps sending me videos of ‘70’s glam rock band Sweet. Getting really annoying now, tried everything to stop this, but no success....... does anyone know the way? There has to be a way........ to block Buster .

[vietnammer]

f*** off

[Bamber Gascoigne]

[Dover KUMB fan]

**** off