The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I went to the doctor and told him I had hurt my penis in a surfing incident. He said "did you fall off your surf-board?". "No, I closed my laptop on it when the wife walked in".
My son was disappointed when he opened up his birthday present and it was a pile of flattened cardboard.
I said to him, "it was an ex-box you asked for, wasn't it?".
Today, I found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in. Now she has made a formal complaint and I have been banned from the gym....
My son was disappointed when he opened up his birthday present and it was a pile of flattened cardboard.
I said to him, "it was an ex-box you asked for, wasn't it?".
Today, I found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in. Now she has made a formal complaint and I have been banned from the gym....
- Sauce!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I was alone on a late train last night when a gorgeous cute girl got on and sat directly across from me.
I couldn't help but notice her skirt had ridden up revealing her panties to me.
She showed no interest in hiding her charms, her face was expressionless and she exuded an aloof sexuality I could not resist.
I dropped to my knees, gradually moving forward with the sole intention of placing my nose and tongue between her parted thighs.
As I got closer to the promised land I could hear the panting get louder.
I thought to myself...
"I really wish her guide dog would f*ck off!'
I couldn't help but notice her skirt had ridden up revealing her panties to me.
She showed no interest in hiding her charms, her face was expressionless and she exuded an aloof sexuality I could not resist.
I dropped to my knees, gradually moving forward with the sole intention of placing my nose and tongue between her parted thighs.
As I got closer to the promised land I could hear the panting get louder.
I thought to myself...
"I really wish her guide dog would f*ck off!'
- ageing hammer
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- don't burst my bubble
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Love itswisstony wrote:Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?
He's married.
- vietnammer
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- Greatest Cockney Rip Off
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Mods, can you lock this thread please, FFS !!!vietnammer wrote:Where can you weigh whales?
At a whaleway station.
that's actually quite funny !
- Paddy O'Hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
If you were 8 years old when "Red Red Wine" was released, then UB40 now.
- psychoscoredthelot
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
after shagging kylie minogue yesterday, there are 3 things that i have to share with you. firstly her fanny is as tight as f*** and a real struggle to get in there - secondly she takes a load right over her face without any complaint and thirdly the staff in madame tussauds are miserable b******ds and have no sense of humour
- Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
West Ham fan, an Arsenal fan and a Tottenham fan were all in Saudi Arabia,sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi National Holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.
The Tottenham. fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Hammers fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of London, your area has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Hammers fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.
"Tie that Tottenham scumbag to my back!
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi National Holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.
The Tottenham. fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Hammers fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of London, your area has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Hammers fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.
"Tie that Tottenham scumbag to my back!
- The Old Man of Storr
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
:lol:Sauce! wrote:I was alone on a late train last night when a gorgeous cute girl got on and sat directly across from me.
I couldn't help but notice her skirt had ridden up revealing her panties to me.
She showed no interest in hiding her charms, her face was expressionless and she exuded an aloof sexuality I could not resist.
I dropped to my knees, gradually moving forward with the sole intention of placing my nose and tongue between her parted thighs.
As I got closer to the promised land I could hear the panting get louder.
I thought to myself...
"I really wish her guide dog would f*ck off!'
- psychoscoredthelot
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Dover KUMB fan wrote:West Ham fan, an Arsenal fan and a Tottenham fan were all in Saudi Arabia,sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi National Holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.
The Tottenham. fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Hammers fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of London, your area has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Hammers fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.
"Tie that Tottenham scumbag to my back!
the perfect joke
- psychoscoredthelot
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
i just found a hat with £100 in it !!!
the guy playing the guitar was well jealous he didnt notice it first, he chased me all the way down oxford street.
the guy playing the guitar was well jealous he didnt notice it first, he chased me all the way down oxford street.
- Sauce!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I was adopted at birth and never found out who my real mother was.
Makes it really difficult to enjoy a lapdance.
Makes it really difficult to enjoy a lapdance.
- pablo jaye
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I went to the Proctologists with a lettuce sticking out of my arse.
I said "Tell me Doc is it serious?"
Well, he said, this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Yesterday I saw an Audi with a boot sticker saying, "I'm a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal." It was at that moment that I suddenly realised just how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.
I said "Tell me Doc is it serious?"
Well, he said, this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Yesterday I saw an Audi with a boot sticker saying, "I'm a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal." It was at that moment that I suddenly realised just how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Why do scuba divers fall into the water backwards?
Because if they fell forward they'd still be in the boat.
Because if they fell forward they'd still be in the boat.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A woman goes to the vet with her pet duck Cuddles. She puts the duck on the table and the vet says "Well I'm sorry but your duck is dead" the woman looks horrified "but you've hardly looked at him" so the vet says "I don't need to look at him, he's not breathing so I know that he's dead". The woman demands that the vet gives Cuddles a thorough examination, so he sighs and walks out of the room and comes back a few moments later with a black labrador. He points to the duck and the dog has a good sniff, shakes his head and goes and sits in the corner. The vet walks out of the room again and comes back in with his cat. He puts it down next to Cuddles and after looking all round the duck the cat shakes its head, jumps down and goes and lays down next to the dog. The vet turns turns to the woman "Now I can confirm that your pet is dead as I originally stated" and gives her the bill for his services. The woman looks aghast and says "250 quid just to tell me my beloved Cuddles is dead?" The vet says if you'd have believed me straight away the fee would have been 20 quid, the extra charges are for the lab report and the cat scan".
- Made In Leyton 1974
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I got attacked by a group of mime artists last night.
They did unspeakable things to me!
They did unspeakable things to me!