The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Anything goes in The Snug, General Discussion's rebellious little brother. An off-topic den of iniquity where any subject not covered elsewhere may be discussed. Well, anything except golf, Star Wars and Arsenal.

Moderators: Gnome, last.caress, Wilko1304, Rio, bristolhammerfc, the pink palermo, chalks

Post Reply
ak-47
Posts: 845
Joined: Tue Jun 15, 2010 6:46 pm

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ak-47 »

I went to the doctor and told him I had hurt my penis in a surfing incident. He said "did you fall off your surf-board?". "No, I closed my laptop on it when the wife walked in".

My son was disappointed when he opened up his birthday present and it was a pile of flattened cardboard.
I said to him, "it was an ex-box you asked for, wasn't it?".

Today, I found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in. Now she has made a formal complaint and I have been banned from the gym....
User avatar
Sauce!
Posts: 5997
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
Total likes: 5 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

I was alone on a late train last night when a gorgeous cute girl got on and sat directly across from me.
I couldn't help but notice her skirt had ridden up revealing her panties to me.

She showed no interest in hiding her charms, her face was expressionless and she exuded an aloof sexuality I could not resist.

I dropped to my knees, gradually moving forward with the sole intention of placing my nose and tongue between her parted thighs.

As I got closer to the promised land I could hear the panting get louder.

I thought to myself...

"I really wish her guide dog would f*ck off!'
User avatar
ageing hammer
Posts: 25445
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
Has liked: 484 likes
Total likes: 1474 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

:D
User avatar
swisstony
Posts: 666
Joined: Sat Jan 11, 2014 5:09 pm
Location: Crouching Down, Hidden Behind Ya
Has liked: 152 likes
Total likes: 60 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by swisstony »

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?

He's married.
User avatar
don't burst my bubble
Posts: 1223
Joined: Sat Dec 28, 2002 9:26 pm
Location: Maidenhead
Total likes: 2 likes
Contact:

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by don't burst my bubble »

swisstony wrote:Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?

He's married.
Love it :D
User avatar
vietnammer
Bucky the beaver
Posts: 31673
Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2002 2:31 am
Location: Those little golden birdies look at them
Has liked: 621 likes
Total likes: 581 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

Where can you weigh whales?

At a whaleway station.
User avatar
Greatest Cockney Rip Off
Posts: 19295
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 12:29 am
Location: The oil drum in the Garden of England
Has liked: 338 likes
Total likes: 719 likes
Contact:

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

vietnammer wrote:Where can you weigh whales?

At a whaleway station.
Mods, can you lock this thread please, FFS !!!


that's actually quite funny !
User avatar
Paddy O'Hammer
Posts: 11132
Joined: Wed May 23, 2007 10:57 am
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Has liked: 508 likes
Total likes: 162 likes
Contact:

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Paddy O'Hammer »

If you were 8 years old when "Red Red Wine" was released, then UB40 now.
User avatar
psychoscoredthelot
Posts: 10245
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Location: Upminster
Has liked: 79 likes
Total likes: 201 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

after shagging kylie minogue yesterday, there are 3 things that i have to share with you. firstly her fanny is as tight as f*** and a real struggle to get in there - secondly she takes a load right over her face without any complaint and thirdly the staff in madame tussauds are miserable b******ds and have no sense of humour
User avatar
Dover KUMB fan
Posts: 3242
Joined: Fri Nov 27, 2009 8:33 am
Total likes: 42 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

West Ham fan, an Arsenal fan and a Tottenham fan were all in Saudi Arabia,sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi National Holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.
The Tottenham. fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Hammers fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of London, your area has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Hammers fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.
"Tie that Tottenham scumbag to my back!
:scarfer:
User avatar
The Old Man of Storr
Posts: 32783
Joined: Tue Jan 13, 2009 11:17 am
Location: Lost In the Recesses Of My Mind .
Has liked: 2641 likes
Total likes: 1747 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by The Old Man of Storr »

Sauce! wrote:I was alone on a late train last night when a gorgeous cute girl got on and sat directly across from me.
I couldn't help but notice her skirt had ridden up revealing her panties to me.

She showed no interest in hiding her charms, her face was expressionless and she exuded an aloof sexuality I could not resist.

I dropped to my knees, gradually moving forward with the sole intention of placing my nose and tongue between her parted thighs.

As I got closer to the promised land I could hear the panting get louder.

I thought to myself...

"I really wish her guide dog would f*ck off!'
:lol:
User avatar
psychoscoredthelot
Posts: 10245
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Location: Upminster
Has liked: 79 likes
Total likes: 201 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

Dover KUMB fan wrote:West Ham fan, an Arsenal fan and a Tottenham fan were all in Saudi Arabia,sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi National Holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.
The Tottenham. fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Hammers fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of London, your area has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Hammers fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.
"Tie that Tottenham scumbag to my back!
:scarfer:

the perfect joke
User avatar
psychoscoredthelot
Posts: 10245
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Location: Upminster
Has liked: 79 likes
Total likes: 201 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

i just found a hat with £100 in it !!!
the guy playing the guitar was well jealous he didnt notice it first, he chased me all the way down oxford street.
User avatar
Sauce!
Posts: 5997
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
Total likes: 5 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

I was adopted at birth and never found out who my real mother was.

Makes it really difficult to enjoy a lapdance.
User avatar
pablo jaye
Posts: 11230
Joined: Fri Mar 11, 2005 6:08 pm
Location: Somewhere massive!
Has liked: 2563 likes
Total likes: 926 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

I went to the Proctologists with a lettuce sticking out of my arse.
I said "Tell me Doc is it serious?"
Well, he said, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Yesterday I saw an Audi with a boot sticker saying, "I'm a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal." It was at that moment that I suddenly realised just how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.
1875Hammer
Posts: 177
Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2016 11:50 am

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by 1875Hammer »

Why do scuba divers fall into the water backwards?

Because if they fell forward they'd still be in the boat.
Hammer.CA
Posts: 3139
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:37 pm
Has liked: 2781 likes
Total likes: 607 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

A woman goes to the vet with her pet duck Cuddles. She puts the duck on the table and the vet says "Well I'm sorry but your duck is dead" the woman looks horrified "but you've hardly looked at him" so the vet says "I don't need to look at him, he's not breathing so I know that he's dead". The woman demands that the vet gives Cuddles a thorough examination, so he sighs and walks out of the room and comes back a few moments later with a black labrador. He points to the duck and the dog has a good sniff, shakes his head and goes and sits in the corner. The vet walks out of the room again and comes back in with his cat. He puts it down next to Cuddles and after looking all round the duck the cat shakes its head, jumps down and goes and lays down next to the dog. The vet turns turns to the woman "Now I can confirm that your pet is dead as I originally stated" and gives her the bill for his services. The woman looks aghast and says "250 quid just to tell me my beloved Cuddles is dead?" The vet says if you'd have believed me straight away the fee would have been 20 quid, the extra charges are for the lab report and the cat scan".
User avatar
screech
Posts: 5466
Joined: Sat Sep 22, 2007 3:09 pm
Has liked: 5 likes
Total likes: 39 likes
Contact:

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by screech »

whats black and screams?
stevie wonder answering the iron
Polaroid
Posts: 1774
Joined: Mon Mar 14, 2016 3:51 am
Has liked: 613 likes
Total likes: 219 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Polaroid »

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
User avatar
Made In Leyton 1974
Posts: 95
Joined: Tue Mar 08, 2016 8:45 pm
Location: Keeping Captain Mainwaring company in Thetford
Has liked: 4 likes
Total likes: 2 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Made In Leyton 1974 »

I got attacked by a group of mime artists last night.
They did unspeakable things to me!
Post Reply