The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[ageing hammer]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."

The man below responded, "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

[Sauce!]

Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night.

He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

[ageing hammer]

To celebrate St Patrick's Day Ireland, Durex are releasing a shamrock shaped condom.

So you can f*** left right and center

[uptonparkhurst]

The Missus had just come back from the opticians.

She said "Guess who I bumped into at Specsavers?"
I said "I give up.Who?"
She said "Everyone!"

[Greatest Cockney Rip Off]

Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addicts meeting.

I’m seeing a lot of new faces today.

[cambridge hammer]

Elton John asked me if I wanted to buy his old Rolls Royce
"What reg" I asked
"Do you want to buy my old Rolls Royce" he said

[vietnammer]

Ageing :lol:

[Sauce!]

Jon Bon Jovi's bed is a disgrace. He doesn't really care if he makes it or not.

[Westcliffspur]

Never do cocaine with an optician. The first line is quite big, but then the lines get smaller and smaller and smaller.

[Sauce!]

Sixteen Sodium atoms walk into a bar.

Closely followed by Batman.

[Greatest Cockney Rip Off]

Sixteen Sodium atoms walk into a bar.

Closely followed by Batman.

Very clever

[Tenbury]

Since when did Batman's mum feed him sodium atoms for dinner ?

[ageing hammer]

Sixteen atoms walk into a bar.

Come on you ions

[jevs]

Very clever

Far too clever for me

[uptonparkhurst]

I had to look it up - now I feel like a proper NaNa.

[Greatest Cockney Rip Off]

Far too clever for me

Chemical element for sodium is "Na".

[Sauce!]

Sorry about my previous joke. Here's an easier one...

My wife wants me to buy horizontal concert seats to see a boy band at £300 a ticket.

I'm not going to Take That lying down.

[ageing hammer]

^^^^^^^^

Love it

[Monkeybubbles]

Music-related one liners required please, what have you got?

[-DL-]

Saw Liam Gallagher working as a waiter in a restaraunt, and when I asked what came with the soup he said you gotta roll with it.