The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Moderators: Gnome, last.caress, Wilko1304, Rio, bristolhammerfc, the pink palermo, chalks
- Burningaham
- Posts: 2521
- Joined: Fri May 06, 2005 1:13 pm
- Location: Mr Malcontent.
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.
Just at the last moment, one of the President’s bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted, “Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse!”
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why
he had shouted “Mickey Mouse”.
"Oh crap, I meant Donald, duck"
Just at the last moment, one of the President’s bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted, “Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse!”
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why
he had shouted “Mickey Mouse”.
"Oh crap, I meant Donald, duck"
- Sauce!
- Posts: 5997
- Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
- Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
- Total likes: 5 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
What do you call a policewoman who only shaves occasionally?
Cuntstubble.
Cuntstubble.
- Bamber Gascoigne
- Posts: 4661
- Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2003 6:12 pm
- Location: 51° 31′ 55″ N, 0° 2′ 22″ E
- Has liked: 107 likes
- Total likes: 40 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Why is that women have to put a bloody label on absolutely everything?
I mean, why oh why can't we just be two people who enjoy spending time together?
But no - I have to be her "stalker".........
I mean, why oh why can't we just be two people who enjoy spending time together?
But no - I have to be her "stalker".........
- psychoscoredthelot
- Posts: 10245
- Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
- Location: Upminster
- Has liked: 79 likes
- Total likes: 201 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
At the tube station earlier I saw a homeless man sitting on the floor with a three legged dog next to a sign that read: "Help, I'm starving."
I thought to myself he can't be that hungry, he hasn't even finished his dog.
I thought to myself he can't be that hungry, he hasn't even finished his dog.
- Sauce!
- Posts: 5997
- Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
- Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
- Total likes: 5 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
They say that there's a peeping tom in almost every street nowadays.
I know for a fact that it's not the girl living opposite me.
She just sits in her bedroom most of the time, playing on her phone and trying on clothes.
I know for a fact that it's not the girl living opposite me.
She just sits in her bedroom most of the time, playing on her phone and trying on clothes.
- falcon hairspray
- Posts: 210
- Joined: Mon Nov 09, 2009 2:13 pm
- Has liked: 38 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I went into a bakers where every cake was a £1 except one which was £2.
I asked the lady why?
She said that was madeira cake
I asked the lady why?
She said that was madeira cake
- Bamber Gascoigne
- Posts: 4661
- Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2003 6:12 pm
- Location: 51° 31′ 55″ N, 0° 2′ 22″ E
- Has liked: 107 likes
- Total likes: 40 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A local sushi restaurant is doing a 2 for 1 offer.
Sounds like a raw deal if you ask me.
Sounds like a raw deal if you ask me.
- Sauce!
- Posts: 5997
- Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
- Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
- Total likes: 5 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Did you know that there is a nerve in the human body that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal-Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a sh!tty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
It's called the Anal-Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a sh!tty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
- Sauce!
- Posts: 5997
- Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
- Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
- Total likes: 5 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A dog goes into the post office to send a telegram. The guy behind the counter asks him,
"What do you want it to say?"
"WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF"
The telegram guy says,
"I see you only have 9 woofs there. If you didn't know, anything up to 10 words is the same price! Would you like me to add an extra 'WOOF' on there for you?"
The dog looks at him, confused, and says,
"But then it wouldn't make any sense!"
"What do you want it to say?"
"WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF"
The telegram guy says,
"I see you only have 9 woofs there. If you didn't know, anything up to 10 words is the same price! Would you like me to add an extra 'WOOF' on there for you?"
The dog looks at him, confused, and says,
"But then it wouldn't make any sense!"
- Suffolk Iron
- Posts: 616
- Joined: Fri Oct 14, 2011 5:03 pm
- Has liked: 123 likes
- Total likes: 39 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Probably breaking all the rules but here goes.
The leader of ISIS in Britain has gone into hiding and surrounded himself with 72 virgins.
A Police spokesman said "At least we know he's not in Essex!"
"Coat"
The leader of ISIS in Britain has gone into hiding and surrounded himself with 72 virgins.
A Police spokesman said "At least we know he's not in Essex!"
"Coat"
- Noble Man
- Posts: 963
- Joined: Sun Feb 03, 2008 11:18 am
- Location: Belfast
- Has liked: 34 likes
- Total likes: 33 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A girl and her boyfriend get invited to a fancy dress party, and both of them decide to pick out costumes without telling each other. On the evening of the party, the girl feels Ill and decides not to go to the party, but watched in earnest as her boyfriend dresses up as spiderman, complete with a mask, and leaves for the party.Later on, the girl feels better and decided to go to the party in the end, with her costume on.When she arrives at the party, she sees her boyfriend in the spiderman costume, dancing and flirting with many girls. Annoyed, she goes up to him to test how far he'll go with his flirting.As he wouldn't realise who she was in her costume, she flirted with him, and they ended up having sex. She stormed straight home, furious at her cheating boyfriend.Later, her boyfriend came back to see her lying on the bed, fuming.'And how was your night?' she asked.'well, I didn't really want to go to the party as you didnt go, so I stopped at your dads house. He borrowed my spiderman costume and went to the party and he said he had a great time, even scored!'
- Sauce!
- Posts: 5997
- Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
- Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
- Total likes: 5 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Did you hear about the dyslexic Ku Klux Klansman?
He went around killing gingers.
He went around killing gingers.
- Greatest Cockney Rip Off
- Posts: 19295
- Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 12:29 am
- Location: The oil drum in the Garden of England
- Has liked: 338 likes
- Total likes: 728 likes
- Contact:
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A dwarf comes to the library and asks the librarian:
"Do you have any books about discrimination of little people?"
"Upper shelf mate."
===================================================
The inventor of Chinese Whispers has died.
May he test tin peas.
"Do you have any books about discrimination of little people?"
"Upper shelf mate."
===================================================
The inventor of Chinese Whispers has died.
May he test tin peas.
- ageing hammer
- Posts: 25445
- Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
- Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
- Has liked: 484 likes
- Total likes: 1475 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A bloke on a quiz show was asked who was the world's first woman.
He asked " Could you give me a clue "
The quiz master said " Think of an apple"
The bloke answered " Granny Smith "
He asked " Could you give me a clue "
The quiz master said " Think of an apple"
The bloke answered " Granny Smith "
- York Ham(mer)
- Posts: 9644
- Joined: Sat Mar 05, 2005 6:15 am
- Location: In exile up north
- Has liked: 111 likes
- Total likes: 149 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Lol, my boss has just called me and told me I've been spending too much time on KUMB. Hold on, he's saying something else now.
Online
- OFT
- Posts: 21538
- Joined: Mon Apr 04, 2005 11:59 pm
- Location: Sleepin’ in a bayou on a old rotten cot
- Has liked: 2995 likes
- Total likes: 1758 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I remember going to see Dr Hook in the 70's.
that's a prostate examination I'll never forget.
that's a prostate examination I'll never forget.
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I asked my girlfriend if she would consider masturbating with fruit.
She went ****ing bananas.
She went ****ing bananas.
-
- Posts: 675
- Joined: Fri Aug 19, 2005 4:59 pm
- Location: cambridge
- Has liked: 7 likes
- Total likes: 38 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
As a father's day treat I am going to take the Mrs into town today. I'm going to take her to 11 or 12 similar looking pubs before returning to the first pub we first visited before buying my first pint. Let see how she likes that.
- vietnammer
- Bucky the beaver
- Posts: 31662
- Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2002 2:31 am
- Location: Those little golden birdies look at them
- Has liked: 621 likes
- Total likes: 579 likes