The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
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- Sauce!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I phoned the tinnitus helpline the other day, but it just kept ringing...
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
What's the first sign of madness?
Suggs walking up your driveway.
Suggs walking up your driveway.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A Nigerian Prince has died & left his millions to a cat He tried to give away his fortune for years, but no one ever responded to his emails
- Hugh Jargon
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
If you say the word ‘gullible’ very, very slowly - it sounds like orange
- Sauce!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side...
So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner, and completely ignored her all night for no reason.
So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner, and completely ignored her all night for no reason.
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- Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Dad called me a tosser because I always buy him socks for Xmas.
I said, "You ungrateful Git , it's the thought that counts!"
I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs...
I said, "You ungrateful Git , it's the thought that counts!"
I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs...
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
You have to say it out loud, doesn't work it say it in your head.IABATAC wrote:I did that but it doesn't sound anything like "orange".
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Just heard another person moaning about Iceland selling reindeer burgers.
It's funny, no-one ever complains about Lidl donkey.
It's funny, no-one ever complains about Lidl donkey.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I’ve just had some very bad news, a good friend of mine is in hospital. He was attacked by some crazy Frenchman who kept hitting him with stale baguettes, he was found lying in the street covered in cuts and bruises, terrible pain.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
The wife isn’t speaking to me now, all because I was making fun of her culinary skills. She was making some fancy continental meal, imported Italian Ham, Swedish smoked salmon. I think it was the moment I broke her French hens eggs that really set her ouef.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A new German speciality sausage store has just opened in our town. My friend thinks their salami is the best thing there but I think it's the wurst.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
That's one of my favourite jokes, a cracker.Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:What's the first sign of madness?
Suggs walking up your driveway.
Two snowmen standing a field. One says to the other 'Can you smell carrots?'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A man comes home drunk from the pub one evening. Waiting for him as he opens his front door is his wife.
"Should you go out and get so drunk again, I'm leaving you" she declares.
A week later, the man throws up on himself whilst drunk at the pub. "That's it, my wife will leave me when she sees this, she's told me she will leave me if I get too drunk ever again" he despairs.
"Don't worry" his friend he was drinking with says. "Simply put a £20 in your inside jacket pocket and when she confronts you, just tell her someone else spewed all over you and left you £20 for the dry cleaning".
So he arrives home and, lo and behold, the wife sees her husband covered in vomit. "That's it, I'm done with you..." she cries.
"No wait! It wasn't me, someone else threw up all over me!" he exclaims. "He left me £20 for cleaning, it's in my inside jacket pocket, see!"
The wife, quite pleasantly surprised, indeed finds the £20 note. "But there's one thing I don't understand..." she says. "Why is there a second £20 note?"
"Ah," he says. "That's from the man that shat in my pants"
"Should you go out and get so drunk again, I'm leaving you" she declares.
A week later, the man throws up on himself whilst drunk at the pub. "That's it, my wife will leave me when she sees this, she's told me she will leave me if I get too drunk ever again" he despairs.
"Don't worry" his friend he was drinking with says. "Simply put a £20 in your inside jacket pocket and when she confronts you, just tell her someone else spewed all over you and left you £20 for the dry cleaning".
So he arrives home and, lo and behold, the wife sees her husband covered in vomit. "That's it, I'm done with you..." she cries.
"No wait! It wasn't me, someone else threw up all over me!" he exclaims. "He left me £20 for cleaning, it's in my inside jacket pocket, see!"
The wife, quite pleasantly surprised, indeed finds the £20 note. "But there's one thing I don't understand..." she says. "Why is there a second £20 note?"
"Ah," he says. "That's from the man that shat in my pants"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
^^^ Clement Freud made that joke famous ... :lol:
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