What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume.
How much does it cost you cockney's to wash your hair?
Pantene.
The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Moderators: Gnome, last.caress, Wilko1304, Rio, bristolhammerfc, the pink palermo, chalks
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Hummer_I_mean_Hammer
- Posts: 11669
- Joined: Mon Jan 12, 2009 9:45 pm
- Has liked: 949 likes
- Total likes: 487 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
THINK YOU'RE HAVING BAD DAY.... check out these actual cases....
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.
A post-mortem test revealed that the man died from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire. You guessed it. One minute our diver was swimming like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
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Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen.
While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors. His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle and the shattered patio door.
She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.
The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, dropping the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm....
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Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers..
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
_____________________________________________
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
______________________________________________
STILL think you're =aving a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany .
Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
____________________________________________
What?! STILL having = bad day??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better????
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.
A post-mortem test revealed that the man died from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire. You guessed it. One minute our diver was swimming like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
___________________________________________
Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen.
While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors. His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle and the shattered patio door.
She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.
The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, dropping the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm....
______________________________________________
Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers..
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
_____________________________________________
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
______________________________________________
STILL think you're =aving a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany .
Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
____________________________________________
What?! STILL having = bad day??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better????
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HibsHammer
- Posts: 248
- Joined: Fri Jan 23, 2009 3:53 am
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I'm not admitting that, love Hibs, hate Scottish football. Playing the same no-marks 4 times a season, woopy.delbert wrote:I'd stick to admitting you like Scottish football........ :lol:
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A midget wants into a pub and walks up to the bar, unable to watch over. So he jumps up and down shouting 'I want a beer please.'
He gets no reply, so he walks behind the bar to see if there's anyone there. He sees another midget jumping up and down: 'would that be a draught or a bottle?"
He gets no reply, so he walks behind the bar to see if there's anyone there. He sees another midget jumping up and down: 'would that be a draught or a bottle?"
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
So a guy walks into his psychiatrist's office wrapped in celaphane . And the psychiatrist goes... WELL I CAN CLEARLY SEE YOUR NUTS!!!
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the b*stard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the b*stard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
There are 2 policemen outside a pub, with a dog in between.
Suddenly some guy comes out of the pub, checks the belly of the dog and goes back inside shrugging.
The policemen just look at each other and decide to let it go.
Then another guy comes out and does the same.
Again the policemen decide to let it go.
Then a third guy comes out and does the same.
So the cops stop 'im.
The dude's obviously drunk when they ask him what he's doing.
'Well someone inside said there's a dog outside with 2 dicks.'
Suddenly some guy comes out of the pub, checks the belly of the dog and goes back inside shrugging.
The policemen just look at each other and decide to let it go.
Then another guy comes out and does the same.
Again the policemen decide to let it go.
Then a third guy comes out and does the same.
So the cops stop 'im.
The dude's obviously drunk when they ask him what he's doing.
'Well someone inside said there's a dog outside with 2 dicks.'
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Q: How does a Crimethinc kid change a lightbulb?
A: First, we pranced silently through the night as we evaded the police. We made our way down a dreary alley and came across a dumpster full of bagels. Taking the excess of the bagels, we used them for fertilizer on the garden that spontaneously started growing from the near-by abandoned lot. The sky was becoming lighter as we exit the Home Depot- lightbulbs in our pockets. I hoisted my partner to the light bulb socket; she then inserted the lightbulb as the sun broke the horizon. I knew at that moment, we had changed more than a lightbulb- we had changed ourselves.
A: First, we pranced silently through the night as we evaded the police. We made our way down a dreary alley and came across a dumpster full of bagels. Taking the excess of the bagels, we used them for fertilizer on the garden that spontaneously started growing from the near-by abandoned lot. The sky was becoming lighter as we exit the Home Depot- lightbulbs in our pockets. I hoisted my partner to the light bulb socket; she then inserted the lightbulb as the sun broke the horizon. I knew at that moment, we had changed more than a lightbulb- we had changed ourselves.
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Police are looking for a man who has , so far , stabbed 6 people to death with knitting needles all in the same area. The Police believe he seems to be following some sort of pattern .
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Peter Sutcliffe may be released from Broadmoor soon .
After 30 yrs without a shag , bet he can't wait to give a prostitute a right good hammering !!!
After 30 yrs without a shag , bet he can't wait to give a prostitute a right good hammering !!!
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
When i was a kid you could go to the shops with 50p.
You could get a Wham Bar , a bag of pick and mix , a fizzy drink , a comic ,a big bag of crisps and a gob stopper AND still come home with loads of change.
Cant do that these days,
Why?
****ing CCTV ...............
You could get a Wham Bar , a bag of pick and mix , a fizzy drink , a comic ,a big bag of crisps and a gob stopper AND still come home with loads of change.
Cant do that these days,
Why?
****ing CCTV ...............
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Had to laugh , just seen a woman getting into the wrong side of a car ..................................
...............................the driver's side .
...............................the driver's side .
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delbert
- Posts: 27258
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- Location: Barking, home of the slowly meandering Prius
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- Total likes: 700 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year.
It's called the iRon.
Opinions are like orgasms.
Mines more important and I don't care if she has one........
It's called the iRon.
Opinions are like orgasms.
Mines more important and I don't care if she has one........
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way.Through the driver's door !
I know, i know , not any funnier !
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause Dyslexia.
Howeevr,tihs is in etxreem caess of slef aubse .
Howeevr,tihs is in etxreem caess of slef aubse .
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
***************** LATEST****************
Liverpool F C have just turned down 27 million pound sponsorship from a certain dog food company .
A spokesman said ; "Having WINALOT across the shirt would be inappropriate at the moment !!"
Liverpool F C have just turned down 27 million pound sponsorship from a certain dog food company .
A spokesman said ; "Having WINALOT across the shirt would be inappropriate at the moment !!"
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Hambrosia Stu
- Posts: 18222
- Joined: Tue Apr 04, 2006 12:03 pm
- Location: Deepest, darkest, Devonia
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I see your midget, and raise you a flea........hummous wrote:A midget walks into a pub
A flea goes up to the bar and asks for a large whiskey.
The barman a little surprised to see a flea at the bar, asks "what brings a flea into here, we don't get many of your sort around these parts".
The flea starts moaning about how crap his life is.
"See that group of bikers over there" he says, "well see that fat hairy one in the corner ?", the barman nods, "well see that hairy beard, that's my home and its disgusting" continues the flea.
"He doesn't wash, his breath stinks, and where I sleep is surrounded by bits of food and beer stuck in his beard, and it's really getting me down".
The barman pours him another drink and turns back to the rest of his customers.
Shortly the barman comes back to the flea with an idea.
"Take a look down the far end of the bar my friend and your problem is solved".
The flea looks puzzled. "Well if I were you" continues the barman, "I'd have a look at those 2 young ladies", he says gesturing towards 2 fit girls at a table, wearing short skirts and not much else besides.
"Now I'm sure if you were to hop up one of those long legs, when you reach the top, you'll find somewhere comfortable".
The flea thanks him for the advice, and is soon forgotten.
About the same time the following night the flea is back.
The barman takes him a drink and asks the flea if he followed the advice he gave.
"Well there's a funny thing" replied the flea, a look of complete bewilderment on his face. "I did. As you suggested I hopped straight up one of those long smooth hairless legs, only to find paradise at the top."
"It was wonderful, clean, well-trimmed, fresh and sweet-smelling and before long I fell into a deep sleep, the like of which I haven't had in a long long while".
"But what I can't understand is that when I woke up this morning, I found myself back in the hairy bikers beard!"