The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[Sauce!]

F - FACE: has it fallen on one side?

A - ARMS: can they raise them?

S - SPEECH: is it slurred?

T - TIME: to get her knickers off, the Rohypnol’s kicked in

[delbert]

^^ = :lol:

[Francoisvander or else]

What's the difference between Abu Dhabi and Dubai TV.

Dubai don't show the Flintstones but "Abu Dhabi Do"

[York Ham(mer)]

Theo Walcott to complete Everton move... no, he's blazed it wide.

[jevs]

A Man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful Woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The Woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The Woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the f**k do you want?'
'Ah ha!' he says
"Ryanair"

[ageing hammer]

Jevs

[psychoscoredthelot]

Bloody Foreigner

coming over here demanding to know where love is !!!

[brownout]

One fine sunny morning, a priest took his normal walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.
"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.
"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."
"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"
"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."
"That's an incredible story." said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."
"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."
"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed .............. and that Your Honour is the case for my Defense

[jastons]

Bloody Foreigner

coming over here demanding to know where love is !!!

Aren't the lyrics I want to know what love is?

[Tenbury]

Two pregnant nuns walking down the road singing Benedictus.

[Dover KUMB fan]

Brownout, thanks for reminding me of a superb old classic

[psychoscoredthelot]

a young bloke goes onto stars in their eyes and is on crutches

Matthew Kelly says to him 'Simon, I understand there is a tragic story behind you being on crutches here tonight'.

Yes Matthew says Simon - i was in a car crash with my uncle and unfortunately he passed away at the hospital shortly afterwards, both of my legs were crushed beyond repair - however one of the doctors performed some groundbreaking surgery on me, whereby the amputated from the waist down and transplanted the lower half of my uncle onto my torso.

Matthew replies - thats amazing Simon

Simon tells Matthew that hes already had 6 months of physio and with a further 6 months should be able to throw away the crutches and walk on my uncles two feet.

Matthew says - thats such a happy ending to a tragic story and who are you going to be for us tonight ?

Simon says ' tonight matthew i am going to be .......










(wait for it)







Simon and half uncle

[Monkeybubbles]

I was watching a really weird porno the other day that was just a fat man crying while staring into the screen and having a half-hearted J Arthur. Then I realised I hadn't turned the laptop on.

[vietnammer]

:lol:

[vietnammer]

If the number 666 is considered evil, does that mean 25.8069758 is the root of all evil??

[JerseyHammer]

Went to a Robbie Williams concert night. I was sat next to an insurance salesman.

And through it all, he offered me protection

[Monkeybubbles]

Went to a Robbie Williams concert night. I was sat next to an insurance salesman.

And through it all, he offered me protection

I sat next to an insurance salesmen at the Robbie Williams gig last night.

And through it all, he offered me protection...

**** me, I've become the joke police.

[JerseyHammer]

Ummm, yeah, I was, err, just making sure those that didn't read it the first time didn't miss out

[hammerdivone]

**** me, I've become the joke police.

Would that be the Laughing Policeman?

[OFT]

Can't remember seeing this one, or much else to be honest, but I'm sure if it's been on before Monkeybubbs will remember

Elvis Presley drags himself out of the swimming pool for the umpteenth time in the day,
Whatever's the matter with you? asked Priscilla.
I can't help falling in, love, He replied