The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Moderators: Gnome, last.caress, Wilko1304, Rio, bristolhammerfc, the pink palermo, chalks
Online
-
- Posts: 3140
- Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:37 pm
- Has liked: 2782 likes
- Total likes: 607 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Paddy takes his mates back to his new flat after a night in the pub. After a few more beers one of the lads asks him what the big brass gong hanging on the wall is "It's my speaking clock" says Paddy "Well how does it work?" asks his mate. So Paddy says "I'll show you" and he bends down and picks up a claw hammer and hits it full pelt and it makes right din. Just then a voice from next door shouts out "For f*cks sake you c*nt it's 20 to 3 in the morning"
- ageing hammer
- Posts: 25445
- Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
- Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
- Has liked: 484 likes
- Total likes: 1474 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
30 years ago a plane flying over Ireland with an urgent shipment of Japanese gearbox car-parts when an engine fails and they start to lose height.
To save themselves they frantically jettison their cargo.
On the ground, Mick looks up, sees the descending shower of heavy metal and says,
Jaysus will you look at that Paddy, It's raining Datsun Cogs
To save themselves they frantically jettison their cargo.
On the ground, Mick looks up, sees the descending shower of heavy metal and says,
Jaysus will you look at that Paddy, It's raining Datsun Cogs
- Monkeybubbles
- Posts: 13806
- Joined: Sun Feb 02, 2014 11:00 am
- Location: Rumble, Brighton, Tonight.
- Has liked: 484 likes
- Total likes: 1956 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Bloke in front of me in the queue ar Sainsburys had six bottles of wine in his basket.
Checkout girl asked "do you wanna box for those, love?".
"No" he replied, "I abhor violence in all its forms, is it OK if I just pay on my card?".
Checkout girl asked "do you wanna box for those, love?".
"No" he replied, "I abhor violence in all its forms, is it OK if I just pay on my card?".
- West Ham Dave
- Posts: 1847
- Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:28 pm
- Location: Loughton
- Has liked: 4 likes
- Total likes: 21 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Just heard on the radio,
Liverpool manager resigns & is taking he’s family back to Germany
They said the Klopps go back this weekend
Liverpool manager resigns & is taking he’s family back to Germany
They said the Klopps go back this weekend
- chelmsfordhammer91
- Posts: 2958
- Joined: Sat Nov 07, 2015 4:59 pm
- Location: Broomfield, Chelmsford
- Has liked: 866 likes
- Total likes: 568 likes
Online
-
- Posts: 3140
- Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:37 pm
- Has liked: 2782 likes
- Total likes: 607 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Our local music shop was ransacked last night but strangely only medieval stringed instruments were stolen. Police believe it was the work of luters.
-
- Posts: 1716
- Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2011 9:21 am
- Location: Um...Lewisham...
- Has liked: 4 likes
- Total likes: 34 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said “Is that a fret?”
I said “Is that a fret?”
- Greatest Cockney Rip Off
- Posts: 19295
- Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 12:29 am
- Location: The oil drum in the Garden of England
- Has liked: 338 likes
- Total likes: 719 likes
- Contact:
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I am trying to find a way to kill my wife without raising suspicion.
So I've bought her a car.
So I've bought her a car.
- Monkeybubbles
- Posts: 13806
- Joined: Sun Feb 02, 2014 11:00 am
- Location: Rumble, Brighton, Tonight.
- Has liked: 484 likes
- Total likes: 1956 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I can't think of many good things about Switzerland, but the flag's a big plus.
- Greatest Cockney Rip Off
- Posts: 19295
- Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 12:29 am
- Location: The oil drum in the Garden of England
- Has liked: 338 likes
- Total likes: 719 likes
- Contact:
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Little known fact ...
Bacchus was the Roman God of horse racing.
Bacchus was the Roman God of horse racing.
- Sauce!
- Posts: 5997
- Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
- Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
- Total likes: 5 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
As I finished dressing and paid the prostitute, she said "You're the first man ever to make me come."
"Alright love" I said briskly, "no need to give me all that bullsh*t..."
"No sir, it’s true. Don't you remember me?" she asked. "Mandy Williams, year 8 maths?"
"Alright love" I said briskly, "no need to give me all that bullsh*t..."
"No sir, it’s true. Don't you remember me?" she asked. "Mandy Williams, year 8 maths?"
- Cuenca 'ammer
- ex 'ouston 'ammer
- Posts: 40715
- Joined: Thu Dec 05, 2002 4:19 pm
- Location: Journey to the dead of night. High on a hill in Eldorado
- Has liked: 1903 likes
- Total likes: 1613 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
After our first love making session, I turned to what I hoped would be my future wife.
"Am I the first man that ever made love to you ?"
"I don't know you could be, your face is familiar."
"Am I the first man that ever made love to you ?"
"I don't know you could be, your face is familiar."
- Sauce!
- Posts: 5997
- Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
- Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
- Total likes: 5 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Freddy Mercury once offered me a non-conformist burrito.
"Bohemian Wrap?", said he.
"Bohemian Wrap?", said he.
- Greatest Cockney Rip Off
- Posts: 19295
- Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 12:29 am
- Location: The oil drum in the Garden of England
- Has liked: 338 likes
- Total likes: 719 likes
- Contact:
- S-H
- Posts: 49114
- Joined: Tue Jul 06, 2010 7:05 am
- Location: Kumb Inn
- Has liked: 5739 likes
- Total likes: 9649 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo.
- Greatest Cockney Rip Off
- Posts: 19295
- Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 12:29 am
- Location: The oil drum in the Garden of England
- Has liked: 338 likes
- Total likes: 719 likes
- Contact:
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I said to my girlfriend, "have you got a pet name for my cock?"
"Yeah, I call it War" she said. "Really, why?" I asked.
"Because it's good for absolutely nothing."
"Yeah, I call it War" she said. "Really, why?" I asked.
"Because it's good for absolutely nothing."
- Monkeybubbles
- Posts: 13806
- Joined: Sun Feb 02, 2014 11:00 am
- Location: Rumble, Brighton, Tonight.
- Has liked: 484 likes
- Total likes: 1956 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
No, no, no, she said "Warp".Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:I said to my girlfriend, "have you got a pet name for my cock?"
"Yeah, I call it War" she said. "Really, why?" I asked.
"Because it's good for absolutely nothing."
- Monkeybubbles
- Posts: 13806
- Joined: Sun Feb 02, 2014 11:00 am
- Location: Rumble, Brighton, Tonight.
- Has liked: 484 likes
- Total likes: 1956 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I got one of those anti bullying wristbands today. Nicked it off some little fat ginger qunt.