The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Hammer.CA
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

Paddy takes his mates back to his new flat after a night in the pub. After a few more beers one of the lads asks him what the big brass gong hanging on the wall is "It's my speaking clock" says Paddy "Well how does it work?" asks his mate. So Paddy says "I'll show you" and he bends down and picks up a claw hammer and hits it full pelt and it makes right din. Just then a voice from next door shouts out "For f*cks sake you c*nt it's 20 to 3 in the morning"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

30 years ago a plane flying over Ireland with an urgent shipment of Japanese gearbox car-parts when an engine fails and they start to lose height.

To save themselves they frantically jettison their cargo.

On the ground, Mick looks up, sees the descending shower of heavy metal and says,

Jaysus will you look at that Paddy, It's raining Datsun Cogs :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

Bloke in front of me in the queue ar Sainsburys had six bottles of wine in his basket.

Checkout girl asked "do you wanna box for those, love?".

"No" he replied, "I abhor violence in all its forms, is it OK if I just pay on my card?".
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by West Ham Dave »

Just heard on the radio,
Liverpool manager resigns & is taking he’s family back to Germany

They said the Klopps go back this weekend
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by chelmsfordhammer91 »

Top work ageing! :thup:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by badgermax »

Can you take skin from your buttocks and transplant it onto someone who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

Our local music shop was ransacked last night but strangely only medieval stringed instruments were stolen. Police believe it was the work of luters.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by lewisham-mer »

Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.

I said “Is that a fret?”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

I am trying to find a way to kill my wife without raising suspicion.

So I've bought her a car.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

I can't think of many good things about Switzerland, but the flag's a big plus.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

Little known fact ...

Bacchus was the Roman God of horse racing.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

As I finished dressing and paid the prostitute, she said "You're the first man ever to make me come."

"Alright love" I said briskly, "no need to give me all that bullsh*t..."

"No sir, it’s true. Don't you remember me?" she asked. "Mandy Williams, year 8 maths?"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Cuenca 'ammer »

After our first love making session, I turned to what I hoped would be my future wife.

"Am I the first man that ever made love to you ?"

"I don't know you could be, your face is familiar."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by delbert »

I wouldn't say the bird I was with last night was easy but even her knickers had "Next" in them......
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

Freddy Mercury once offered me a non-conformist burrito.

"Bohemian Wrap?", said he.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

What’s Yoda’s last name?

Layheehoo.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by S-H »

Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:What’s Yoda’s last name?

Layheehoo.
Image :thup:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

I said to my girlfriend, "have you got a pet name for my cock?"

"Yeah, I call it War" she said. "Really, why?" I asked.

"Because it's good for absolutely nothing."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:I said to my girlfriend, "have you got a pet name for my cock?"

"Yeah, I call it War" she said. "Really, why?" I asked.

"Because it's good for absolutely nothing."
No, no, no, she said "Warp".
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Monkeybubbles
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

I got one of those anti bullying wristbands today. Nicked it off some little fat ginger qunt.
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