The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
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- North wales Hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A irish man applying for a job at a blacksmiths was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses,he said no but he once told a donkey to f*** off
- tartanammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Teacher asks a science class in Glasgow "What is relative humidity?" Bob answers "Its the sweat on your balls when your shagging your cousin"
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
Towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo ****. It means someone stole the tent.'
Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
Towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo ****. It means someone stole the tent.'
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
At sunset a cowboy rode up to a bar and walked in. "One whiskey and two two small ****ing green cucumbers!" he shouted at the bartender and the bartender gave him a whiskey and two small ****ing green cucumbers. The cowboy drank the whiskey and then he shoved the cucumbers in his ears, went out and rode off.
The next evening the same cowboy came back. He walked in and shouted "One whiskey and two small ****ing green cucumbers!" He got his whiskey and his cucumbers, drank the whiskey, shoved the cucumbers in his ears and rode off.
The third evening the same thing happened again, and when the cowboy had again rode off with cucumbers in his ears the bartender thought to him self he had to figure out why he did this. So when the cowboy the fourth evening in a row came in to the bar shouting "One whiskey and two small ****ing green cucumbers!" the bartender replied "We're out of small ****ing green cucumbers."
"You have raddishes?" the cowboy asked.
"I sure do" said the bartender.
"Then give me one whiskey and two raddishes!" the cowboy shouted.
The bartender gave him the whiskey and the raddishes, and the cowboy drank the whiskey and shoved the raddishes in his ears. Just as he was about to get out the door the bartender couldn't take it any more. "Why the f*** did you shove raddishes in your ears?!" he screamed.
"Cos you're out of small ****ing green cucumbers!"
The next evening the same cowboy came back. He walked in and shouted "One whiskey and two small ****ing green cucumbers!" He got his whiskey and his cucumbers, drank the whiskey, shoved the cucumbers in his ears and rode off.
The third evening the same thing happened again, and when the cowboy had again rode off with cucumbers in his ears the bartender thought to him self he had to figure out why he did this. So when the cowboy the fourth evening in a row came in to the bar shouting "One whiskey and two small ****ing green cucumbers!" the bartender replied "We're out of small ****ing green cucumbers."
"You have raddishes?" the cowboy asked.
"I sure do" said the bartender.
"Then give me one whiskey and two raddishes!" the cowboy shouted.
The bartender gave him the whiskey and the raddishes, and the cowboy drank the whiskey and shoved the raddishes in his ears. Just as he was about to get out the door the bartender couldn't take it any more. "Why the f*** did you shove raddishes in your ears?!" he screamed.
"Cos you're out of small ****ing green cucumbers!"
- TampaHammer
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- Los Martillos
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Paddy and Mick are at the morgue to identify Seamus's body that's badly burnt .
Paddy goes first , looks over the body then turns it over and inspects the bum .
Paddy sys , "That's not Seamus ."
Mick goes next , looking at the body and then turning it over to check the bum ,
"Right enough , thats not him ."
Doc , "How can you be sure ?'
Paddy says , "Well every time we went out together folk would say 'Here comes Seamus with the two arseholes !!!"
Paddy goes first , looks over the body then turns it over and inspects the bum .
Paddy sys , "That's not Seamus ."
Mick goes next , looking at the body and then turning it over to check the bum ,
"Right enough , thats not him ."
Doc , "How can you be sure ?'
Paddy says , "Well every time we went out together folk would say 'Here comes Seamus with the two arseholes !!!"
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Archaeologists have discovered a book in Dublin that has been missing since the 1700s.
It's called IRISH DANCING PART 2 ................WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR ARMS .
It's called IRISH DANCING PART 2 ................WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR ARMS .
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Glaswegian ned strutting down the street with his brand new white trainers on and only one lace tied .
His mate says , "Here ya dobber , one of your laces is undone , by the way .!"
The ned says , "Aye , man , its the new style , so it is , the sticker on the sole says Taiwan !"
His mate says , "Here ya dobber , one of your laces is undone , by the way .!"
The ned says , "Aye , man , its the new style , so it is , the sticker on the sole says Taiwan !"
- prince_huggy
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
:lol: Very goodhummous wrote:Archaeologists have discovered a book in Dublin that has been missing since the 1700s.
It's called IRISH DANCING PART 2 ................WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR ARMS .
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A duck walk's into a bar and orders a pint. The barman serves him and thinks "Wow a talking duck... In my pub!"
The duck orders another pint and the barman says: "What brings you here?"
The duck replies and says: "I'm doing a job here I'm a builder."
The duck becomes a regular at the pub and one night a circus ringmaster came in. He ordered a pint and the barman says: "I've got an idea for a new act for you. A talking duck comes in here ebvery day at 5pm come here tomorow and meet him!"
The ring master says Ok.
The next day the duck and the ringmaster come in and meet. After a while he sees them shake hands and the ringmaster left.
"How did it go?" said the barman.
"Great" said the duck."But I'm not sure what a circus want with a brick layer!"
The duck orders another pint and the barman says: "What brings you here?"
The duck replies and says: "I'm doing a job here I'm a builder."
The duck becomes a regular at the pub and one night a circus ringmaster came in. He ordered a pint and the barman says: "I've got an idea for a new act for you. A talking duck comes in here ebvery day at 5pm come here tomorow and meet him!"
The ring master says Ok.
The next day the duck and the ringmaster come in and meet. After a while he sees them shake hands and the ringmaster left.
"How did it go?" said the barman.
"Great" said the duck."But I'm not sure what a circus want with a brick layer!"
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Luton: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." he dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a ife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten quid."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"He is an amazing dog ..........................but what a liar !!!"."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." he dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a ife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten quid."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"He is an amazing dog ..........................but what a liar !!!"."
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Father and son in supermarket.
"Dad. what are these?"
"That's a 3 pack of condoms son for secondary school lads.
1 for friday night, 1 for saturday night and 1 for sunday night"
"What about the 6 pack dad?"
"Those are for university lads.
2 for friday night, 2 for saturday night and 2 for sunday night."
"Well dad. What about the 12 pack then?"
"Married men son. . . . 1 for january, 1 for february, 1 for march . . . .
"Dad. what are these?"
"That's a 3 pack of condoms son for secondary school lads.
1 for friday night, 1 for saturday night and 1 for sunday night"
"What about the 6 pack dad?"
"Those are for university lads.
2 for friday night, 2 for saturday night and 2 for sunday night."
"Well dad. What about the 12 pack then?"
"Married men son. . . . 1 for january, 1 for february, 1 for march . . . .
- jonnyhammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A man comes back from the amazon with a Cock Sucking Tree Frog and gives it to his wife. She asks, What exactly am I supposed to do with that? He says, Teach it to cook, then f*** off!
- ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
hummous wrote:A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Luton: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." he dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a ife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten quid."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"He is an amazing dog ..........................but what a liar !!!"."
:lol:
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I got mugged yesterday. I was walking along, minding my own business, when this guy just ran straight into me from behind! It knocked me a bit and I stumbled and tripped. He then jumped on my head, stole my gold ring and just ran off at full speed! If anyone sees a blue hedgehog with red trainers on could you beat the **** out of him for me?
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I was walking home on my own yesterday and got started on by 4 massive geeysers. Managed to knock one out.............
wasn't the best time for a **** but it could of been my last!
wasn't the best time for a **** but it could of been my last!
- prince_huggy
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
:lol: that made me proppa chuckle!JoeyL wrote:I was walking home on my own yesterday and got started on by 4 massive geeysers. Managed to knock one out.............
wasn't the best time for a w*** but it could of been my last!
- North wales Hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A irish family of four have been frozen to death outside a cinema in dublin,apparantley they were waiting to see 'CLOSED FOR WINTER'
- screech
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The
Salary package is 200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The
Salary package is 200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!